Tell Me a Joke!! (in Contests)

Ok this is verysimple Just tell me a Joke and the funniest joke i hear will win 100k ..

Conditions...
~ Joke must be PG
~ Joke must not be longer then 4 sentences
~ Joke must be understood by me
~ Joke can be about anything
~ You can enter 2 jokes per person
Judging....

~ By me and only me

When contest ends...
~ I'll tell u when a certain amount of jokes a pile up

Extras...
~Please dont write anything stupid or just plain dumb.
~Put some effort into it.

I reserve all rights and you know whats up..

I can't remember for sure where I heard this, and it's been a while, but here goes. True story too :) It shows how great the mind of a child is.


So a little kid is talking to his mother and it's a sad time, because his dog had just been run over by a car. Trying to comfort her child, she assures him that it is alright because he has gone on to Doggie heaven, where he can do his favorite thing in the world, which is chasing squirrels all the time. Trying to grasp this, the kid responds, "so doggie heaven is the same as squirrel hell?"

Little Jonny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence, and, being interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Jonny?"

"My goldfish died," replied Jonny tearfully, without looking
up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, and asked: "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Jonny patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat!"

Once upon a time there were three bears....




Now there's thousands of them!!!

I was having a drink with one of my mates last night and he seemed a bit down, so I asked whats up...

He said he had been seeing this beautiful Dutch girl and they had decided to marry, but that day he had gotten some terrible news.

She had been working down at the local inflatable shoe factory when all of a sudden she popped her clogs!

What's brown and sticky??

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, an Electrical Engineer, a Chemical
Engineer and a Computer Engineer were riding together in the same
car...

All of a sudden, the car broke down!

The Mechanical Engineer immediately said, "I think a rod broke."

The Chemical Engineer replied, "The way it sputtered at the end, I
don't think it's getting gas."

The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and
something is wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the Computer Engineer and asked, "What do you
think?"

The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get
back in."



A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was
alive now found himself missing her desperately...

He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance...

A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the
man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband," responded the ghost.

"Are you happy?" he asked.

"Yes, my husband," she answered.

"Happier than you were with me?" asked the man.

"Yes, my husband!" assured the ghost.

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!" exclaimed the man.

"I'm not in Heaven, dear," said the wife.

“Joe” was on a plane to go from Huston, Texas to Los Angles, California; he sits down on the plane next to “Paul, who looked over and said, Paul looks over and says, “Ya goin’ go Huston?”

Joe looking dumbfounded couldn’t resist and said, “No, I’m going to Albuquerque I’ll be parachuting out in about an hour.”

The plane lands in Los Angles and “Joe” realized the airline had somehow lost his baggage, so he went to baggage claim and told the woman behind the counter, who said, “Well sir, has your plane landed yet?’’

“Joe” looked at her and giggled quietly to himself only to reply, “No, we’re still up in the air I’m having an out of body experience.”

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,

"I don't know about you, but if it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

[sorry i reposted mine cause word made it look funny :( ] “Joe” was on a plane to go from Huston, Texas to Los Angles, California; he sits down on the plane next to “Paul, who looked over and said, Paul looks over and says, “Ya goin’ go Huston?” Joe looking dumbfounded couldn’t resist and said, “No, I’m going to Albuquerque I’ll be parachuting out in about an hour.” The plane lands in Los Angles and “Joe” realized the airline had somehow lost his baggage, so he went to baggage claim and told the woman behind the counter, who said, “Well sir, has your plane landed yet?’’ “Joe” looked at her and giggled quietly to himself only to reply, “No, we’re still up in the air I’m having an out of body experience.”

Conditions...
~ Joke must be PG
~ Joke must not be longer then 4 sentences
~ Joke must be understood by me
~ Joke can be about anything
~ You can enter 2 jokes per person


RAMPAGE, Carp King, read this aloud for me please, just once. ;)

Well this was a pretty ok outcome. Umm i got a top joke in my head from one of the jokes in this forum. Well Since i found that this joke is the pretty funny i'll give it one more day to end everything so keep on posting some more joke.

** Since there has been some many jokes with more than 4 sentences. I'll accept their jokes but please no really long jokes.**

Q: What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?

A:He lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

A guy walks into a bar.

...Ouch...

Ha Night strike i like that one but i heard that joke already so that kind of blew it.

Oddbird wins the 100k

Thanks for all the jokes entered

thanks, fun contest. =) I'm glad I won, I liked my joke ;)

The first joke I postede is quite scientifically the Funniest Joke in the World.

This doesn't qualify for the contest but I thought I'd post it on this thread anyway. Heard it for the first time earlier and seeing as I often measure jokes by the "groan" level this one was an instant hit.

I trust everyone remembers what an LP is. For those too young go google "LP vinyl records".
--

Brian, The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now".
Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
Brian, world expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the World expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
Brian, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognize any of those!"
"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant...

I've just realized I was playing you the bee side."

groans...

I feel dumber after having read your joke G_Beee...

//groans//
I'll post this anyways:

two huge, burly gorillas walk into a bar. There's an incredibly beautiful woman already there, and she starts eying one of them in a suggestive manner... but just then the bartender interrupts what might have followed by asking them just what they thought they were doing, coming in there all dressed up like that...
then one gorilla turns to the other and exclaims - "Way to go, Fred - I TOLD you were were in the wrong joke!"