First and foremost: I do not claim to have made these jokes, only found them and brought them here ; )
I hope none of this offends anyone, if I does, I apologize in advance :)
-RANDOM THOUGHTS!-
1. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
2. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
3. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
4. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
7. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
8. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
9. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.
10. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
11. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
12. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
13. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
14. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
15. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
16. Don't argue with an idiot. The people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
17. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
18. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
19. My wife says I never listen to her (at least I think that's what she said).
20. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
21. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
-COUCH POTATO-
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room watching the latest news about the Terry Schiavo case, when the man turned and said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug."
His wife promptly got up, unplugged the TV and then wen to the refrigerator and threw out all of his beer.
-NEWBORN-
Ella brought her newborn baby to a church social one afternoon and the ladies were all making a fuss over her baby.
Like any good mother, Ella was closely watching her newborn when she saw a little girl approach. The little girl started having a very one way conversation with the infant.
When the little girl began asking the newborn questions, Ella smiled at her and said, "The baby can't talk yet."
The little girl, in all innocence, looked up at Ella and asked, "Does it need new batteries?"
-MURDER-
TOKYO - A giant white radish that won the hearts of a Japanese town by valiantly growing through the urban asphalt was in intensive care at a town hall in western Japan on Thursday after being slashed by an unknown assailant.
The "daikon" radish, shaped like a giant carrot, first made the news months ago when it was noticed poking up through asphalt along a roadside in the town of Aioi, population 33,289.
This week local residents, who had nicknamed the vegetable "Gutsy Radish", were shocked -- and in some cases moved to tears -- when they found it had been decapitated.
TV talk shows seized on the attempted murder of the popular vegetable and a day later, the top half of the radish was found near the site where it had been growing.
A town official said on Thursday the top of the severed radish had been placed in water to try to keep it alive and possibly get it to flower.
Asked why the radish -- more often found on Japanese dinner tables as a garnish, pickle or in "oden" stew -- had so many fans, town spokesman Jiro Matsuo said: "People discouraged by tough times were cheered by its tenacity and strong will to live."
-REJECTED US ARMY SLOGANS-
Rejected US Army Slogans
"Kill All That You Can Kill"
"Shower With Men"
"All The Grits You Can Eat"
"Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler"
"Purple Hearts = Free Beers At Hooters"
"Whimsical And Human, Just Like M*A*S*H"
"Cubicles Are For Wusses"
"Napalm Means Serious BBQ"
"Over 1,000,000 Sheared, Beaten, And Worked Into A Sub-Human Fury!"
"Totally Beefcake and Proud of It"
"Beat Up Sailors"
"We Won''t Screw Your Mind Up As Bad As The Marines Will"
"Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Accessorize"
"Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!"
"Play DoomÂ… For Real!"
"Sure Beats Lurnin'!"
"Because Terminators Are Real"
-WORDS OF WISDOM-
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
16. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
17. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
18. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
19. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
20. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
21. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
23. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
-INVENTIONS... >.>-
1. Water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat on a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag
