Somebody tell me a story (in Contests)

I'm bored. Somebody tell me a story. Any subject. 50 words or less. Must be PG. Must make me laugh. Must be posted here in the next 6 hours (11:30 PM server time tonight). Winner gets 100k.

Make it 150 words or less. 50 is too short. :)

Two guys strike up a converation at the local pub...

One guy says to the other, "Last week I took the first step towards
getting divorced."

"Did you see a lawyer?" asks the second guy.

"No," replies the first, "I got married."

I'm going to tell you a little story about the time I met the Lochness Monster!

One day I was sitting in my rocking chair, I heard the doorbell rang, and I yelled, "Hey little susy! Get that door, will yeah?" And she said, Ok daddy! She came back to me and told me there were girl's looking to sell cookies, I said ok, lets see 'em. So I got up, and went to the door, and I said, Who are you? and the little girl said, i'm selling cookies! She then jumped up and a big monster appeared, and I said, get away you lochness Monster and leave my children alone! The Monster then said ok, and left.

Drearily he stepped on the scale, same as yesterday, no change, no difference, just another day, lived the same as the day before. Putting on his clothes he noticed he wasn't as depressed as he normally was this early on in the week. The thought of 4 more days (counting today) of drudgery was normally overwhelming, bringing him to tears and beyond if he let himself think about it. He continued putting on his clothes, while looping his tie around he noticed that the street light outside his window was flickering, it was as if there
was a snail rave going on out on his front walk. He could only see a little of his front yard through the black out curtains he recently put up. "Best thing I've done in years" he thought happily closing the curtain the rest of the way. Turning around to finish his tie, he just missed seeing the glow around the edges of his curtain as the world went up in flame. By the time he went to reach for his front door, his office had been vaporized. Only a few miles away from his home, it was still close enough to the blast to dissapate without a trace. As his hand touched the door knob it felt a little warmer than ever before, he pondered this for a moment and as he turned the knob counter-clockwise, same as every other morning...He died.

As the old saying goes, "Desperate times call for desperate measures."

However, the old saying doesn't offer a lot of guidance from that point on. It doesn't tell you that desperate measures more often than not lead to drastic effects. Drastic effects, in turn, can lead to long-standing negative circumstances. Long-standing negative circumstances (given time to develop their long standing) invariably lead to uncomfortable scenarios. Finally, those uncomfortable scenarios fester until they reach the point of...desperate times. It was upon realizing this dire cyclical damnation that I zeroed in on a way to throw it all off kilter: don't use desperate measures at all, even in times of desperation. I tried that for a while. It didn't work.

So, I figured I might as well just take my chances and use desperate measures all the time.

It's been working so far.

I walked into the bathroom and sat down on a stall. I heard the guy in the next stall say something.

Hello! How are you?

I was wierded out, since this was in a bathroom, but I answered anyways. "Not bad!"

What are you doing?

Kind of obvious... but hey, what the heck. "Just some personal business here!"

Mind if I come over?

That was too much... but... I guess I'd play along. "I'm a little busy here!"

Then I heard him getting up, saying

Alright, well I'll have to call you back. An idiot in the stall next to me keeps answering my questions.

LOL - that last one had me laughing...

Good evening and welcome to the 6:00 news. I'm your anchor, Mel O'Dramuh. Our top story today: Convicted hitman Jimmy Two-Shoes McClardy confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

We have a winner! novice's entry was actually my first choice, not that it made me laugh, but I was kind of amused by its morbid irony. But it was also 234 words (or so), which is over the predetermined limit of 150 words.

So, the winner is PBM, with a desperate entry entered in a desperate effort to win a desperately short deadlined contest, which was merely a desperately disguised desperate plea for a cure to my boredom...

BarzooMonkey (Dogs Of War) 69.161.88.153 QBPoweredByMushu (Tutee) $100000 -- Winner! 1:55 AM EST

wow I read those rules wrong... good show Sut!
Thanks to BM for doing these great contests!

Wow, thank you so much! Based on humor, didn't think it stood a chance, and I didn't think the word count was a hard-and-fast rule either. *smile* In fact, I thought mine was over 150, but I see it is 142! My lucky number!

Thanks, BM -- your contests rule.