The Adventures of GentlemanLoser and Johnnywas! (in Contests)

QBBarzooMonkey April 4 2006 10:30 PM EDT

Inspired by some recent, very amusing threads, I'm reversing the order of my next 2 contests. This is the idea for this one:

Johnnywas, March 22 2006 7:30 AM EST
I've just watched the Tim Burton film Big Fish; how about a tall tale/ campfire stories competition? You know the ones, you're sat around a fire at night toasting marshmallows and either out to scare your listeners or tell them the tallest tale?

For a $1 mil grand prize, and 250k 2nd prize, your assignment is to write us all a "tall tale". It can be funny, it can be scary, but it must be fanciful and full of exaggerations. And it must star that preposterous pair of playful picadors... GentlemanLoser and Johnnywas

The usual rules:

1. Be nice!
2. PG people!
3. Multiple entries are allowed
4. 500 words or less
5. Deadline is noon (server time) a week from Saturday (April 15th)
Anyone who would like to help me judge is welcome to drop me a CM, but obviously you can't win if you do (you can still enter just to "show off" if you want, though).

Game on!

AdminQBnovice [Cult of the Valaraukar] April 4 2006 10:33 PM EDT

I'm in, great idea!

RomanceJunkieItami April 4 2006 11:27 PM EDT

could you describe their personality for me? :P from what I've observe so far, GentlemenLoser is very hyper and loves to laugh (evidence from the mail) and novice; well I don't know much him but from Bast question "did that bald guy waiting for his drink name happen to be novice?" I am assuming that he's old an a alcoholic :P I'm interested in trying out for this story writing, if you can provide any information about those 2 users; it would be greatly appreciated by all of the new users here ^^ thank you for your time!

RomanceJunkieItami April 4 2006 11:29 PM EDT

oh correction! please provide information for gentlemenloser and johnnywas; not gentlemen and novice ><; sorry about that mistake!

Maelstrom April 4 2006 11:54 PM EDT

Barzoo, I object to rule 1! I mean, can't we kill them off in a story (say, from to much beer)?

Itami, take a look at the "get to know you" thread - that should give you an idea of what those two madmen are like :)

QBJohnnywas April 5 2006 2:29 AM EDT

I'm speechless.

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] April 5 2006 5:53 AM EDT


I'm torn between entering and helping judge! ;)

Roz, if you want to know anything about me or my personality, feel free to drop me a CM! ;)

QBJohnnywas April 5 2006 7:06 AM EDT

I'll make a start on this one: BM consider this an example rather than an entry!

I'll call this one 'GentlemanLoser and Johnnywas in The Kebab Shop Mystery'

GentlemanLoser and Johnnywas were on their way home from the pub. The road took them through the Old Woods near Bethnal Green. Although there was a full moon tonight, inside the Old Woods not a bit of light could be seen.

GL and Johnny crashed through the woods like a herd of elephants, drunk ones.

'I think we're lost Johnny, I knew this was the wrong road to take!'

'Stop your whining GL. It's your fault - you wanted a kebab. That tall man in the black cape with the sharp teeth and funny accent at the bus stop said there was a kebab shop still open along this road. It can't be far - I can smell the grease.'

With that Johnny stomped ahead, 'Come on then GL, hurry up cos I want to get home. Jo and Claire are going to kill us – we should have been back hours ago!'

(Jo is Mrs Johnnywas and Claire is Mrs GentlemanLoser. I will only say good and adoring things about wives. Don't ask me to do otherwise..)

GL struggled to keep up with Johnny as they staggered through the Old Woods. But Johnny was right; you could smell the Kebab Shop. GL remembered how hungry he was. But in the darkness GL missed a large tree root that curved upwards catching his feet and sending him tumbling.

Hearing the commotion Johnny called back to GL:

'Are you OK? Anything broken?'

'No, I’m ok, just took a tumble.'

'Ok, well pick yourself up and hurry up. I've found the kebab shop!!'

GL started to stand but winced with pain. He had twisted his ankle.

'Hey Johnny,' he called, 'Can you order for me? I'll have a large chicken Doner, with salad and chilli sauce. But no cabbage!'

A few minutes later he limped in the direction that Johnny had gone and sure enough there was the kebab shop. He stumbled in and tapped Johnny on the shoulder. Johnny turned to look at him, shock on his face, then turned back to look at the meat revolving on the spit at the end of the counter. And at the tall man in the black cape with the sharp teeth and funny accent from the bus stop with the knives in his hands ready to carve slices from the slow cooking chicken suited Shade.

'Ah, you for the chicken doner sir?'

QBBarzooMonkey April 5 2006 8:31 AM EDT

We now have a 100k 3rd prize, thanks to GL! :)

QBBarzooMonkey April 5 2006 1:18 PM EDT

Obviously, I can't win, but sometimes I like to play, too:

A Spot Of Tea

With a stretch and a yawn, Johnnywas stepped out onto the deck of The Randy Englishman. The morning sun was comforting and warm, and he laughed to himself when he realized that GentlemanLoser had anchored their Fabulous Flying Pirate Ship over a forest of mighty fir trees, and the tips of the trees reminded him of a giant bed of nails stretching off into the horizon.

The tranquility of the moment was interrupted by a familiar bellow from below decks. "Johnny!" cried GentlemanLoser. "we're out of Breakfast Tea again!"
"What do you expect me do do about it?" replied Johnnywas.
"I noticed that we flew over a small town, not too far from the northernmost edge of the woods. Be a sport and run and get us some tea?"
Johnnywas grumbled to himself, as he hated climbing the rope ladder that was their normal access to and from the ground below. That was until he had a rather clever idea. He thought, "they did it on bamboo stalks in The House Of Flying Daggers, so why couldn't I?" And with that, he hopped over the side rail, placed his left foot on the very tip of the nearest tree, and ran as fast as he could across the top of the forest of mighty firs.

As he reached the northernmost edge of the woods, he reached down, grabbed the top of the northernmost fir tree, and let his own weight and momentum bend the tree until his feet gently touched the ground. Realizing that he would need a way back up, since he hadn't thought to unfurl the ladder back at the ship, he unlaced his shoes with one hand as he held the tip of the bent tree with the other. He then used the laces to tie the tip of the tree to a nearby road sign that pointed to "Northernmost Town". He grabbed his unlaced shoes and began to run barefoot up the gravel road, in the direction to which the rather helpful sign was pointing.

GentlemanLoser had gone up on deck to offer his assistance, realizing that Johnnywas hated the rope ladder. He was surprised to see a tiny figure disappear into the horizon, running across the tops of the trees. "Clever boy" he thought. It quickly changed to "silly boy" as he realized that, in his cleverness, Johnnywas has stirred up some of the local fauna, and a gaggle of Oddbirds was descending on the port side of The Randy Englishman. Funny little birds, similar to a starling, but with large, bulbous, Jimmy Durante-like noses, Oddbirds traveled in flocks of thousands. Soon, the side of the ship was covered with them, so many that it began to list to that side. And then the sound began. Oddbirds have a disturbing sounding call of "/kick! /kick!". It is especially unnerving because the impossible to pronounce "/" is quite creepy, indeed."/Kick! /kick!, /Kick! /kick!". Thousands of them. "/Kick! /kick!, /Kick! /kick!" until the noise was deafening.

"What is all that racket, and why are we listing to port?" came a cry from below. It was G Beee, ship's Admin and Head Chef. "GL, get those oddbirds out of here before they tip us!" With that, GL had his own clever idea. He ran down to the galley and hoisted the 55 gallon drum, in which G Beee poured the used cooking oil from his deep fryer, onto his shoulder. He ran uphill to the starboard side rail, and poured the contents on the deck in the direction of the oddbirds. Oh, they did not like this, and they began to slide right through the port side rail into the open air. The was enough to send them flying away, one by one.

In his enthusiasm to hurry the oddbirds along, GL had stepped into the grease himself, hoping to "shoo" more oddbirds away. Needless to say, he began slipping himself, and by the time the Fabulous Flying Pirate Ship had leveled itself off, GL found himself lying on his back, covered in oil, with the last of the oddbirds sitting on his chest, chortling gleefully. He couldn't help but see the comedy in the situation, and began to laugh hysterically himself. They were both interrupted by a distant shout of "Barzoo". More accurately, a distant call of "bar", followed by a long "zoo", with the "oo" growing louder and louder as it continued. GL looked to the north (the direction from which the sound came), and saw Johnnywas hurtling through the air towards him.

With his unlaced shoes tucked under his left arm, and a bag of tea and some fine jam in his left hand, Johnnywas grabbed the side rail of The Randy Englishman just in time to stop himself, not only from over-shooting the ship, but also from landing on the grease covered deck. He carefully pulled himself to his feet on top of the rail, and balanced himself gingerly as he took in the scene of an oily GentlemanLoser pinned to the deck by an Oddbird. Johnnywas smirked, and said, "Right, then, what's this all about? Let's have some tea."

Zoglog[T] [big bucks] April 5 2006 1:18 PM EDT

Johnnywas grabbed the side rail of The Randy Englishman just in time to stop himself, not only from over-shooting the ship

A little risque even for you Barzoo ;P

QBBarzooMonkey April 5 2006 1:20 PM EDT

Sorry for the double post - an error in my HTML deleted a whole paragraph from the first one :P

Edit: Sorted

QBBarzooMonkey April 5 2006 1:21 PM EDT

And the missing paragraph kind of fixes the risque bit, yes?


AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] April 5 2006 6:36 PM EDT



RomanceJunkieItami April 5 2006 7:37 PM EDT

I'll be sure to read through the "let's get to know you!" topic again and send both of you a message if I need more information Gentlemen; I'll have to start writing this weekend since work has been hectic in the past days =|

QBBarzooMonkey April 6 2006 4:17 PM EDT

"What?!!!" exclaimed GentlemanLoser, "you lost our Fabulous Flying Pirate Ship in a poker game with sssimmo?"
"Well", countered Johnnywas, "I wanted to bump the thread, somehow."


QBJohnnywas April 6 2006 4:20 PM EDT

Yeah, but I did manage to get these bargain magic beans. Only cost us two large kebabs! Oops I dropped them...

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] April 6 2006 5:46 PM EDT

Actually, without my extra large lamb doner, I was hungry, so I snarfed the beans while you weren't looking...



QBBarzooMonkey April 7 2006 3:04 PM EDT

Johnnywas sat down on the curb, next to his dejected looking friend.
"Why do do look so sad, GL?" he asked.
"No one is writing any stories about us Johnny, and your's and BM's don't count" was GL's reply.
"Cheer up, mate" said Johnnywas. "At least now we've bumped the thread again."


Maelstrom April 7 2006 10:30 PM EDT

One night, GL and JW were drinking at a pub. OK, it wasn't just one night that they were drinking together, but something special happened this night. They were arguing with each other that no one could force either of them to do anything they didn't want to do (except for their wives, of course), and suddenly JW had an idea: "GL, you've gotta come to my Dad's place to meet his dog". GL thought this was a bit odd, but he was feeling adventurous. So, they stumbled out of the pub, hopped into a cab, and headed over to Dad's place.

Once there, Dad and JW sat GL down in a nice, soft, comfy armchair. "My dog is going to hynotize you now", Dad said. "Ha! I don't believe a dog could hypnotize me," said GL, "go ahead and try it!" So, along comes the dog, who looks GL intensely in the eyes. In a very slow, comforting voice, Dad says "You are feeling very - Hey! He's asleep already! That's not supposed to happen!" "So much for his strong willpower!" laughed JW, "OK, go ahead with the hypnotizing."

"OK, listen closely GL: the next time you hear the song 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA, you will rush to the dancefloor and do your best disco dancing. You will continue dancing until you hear the sound of a bell." "Mmph, Hmph", drooled GL. "Now GL, on the count of three, you will wake up. One. Two. Three. Hey, GL, wake up! Hmm. Maybe he's asleep for real. I wonder if it worked?" JW moved over to shake GL's shoulder, who began to stir, then looked around blearily - "Sorry, I guess I fell asleep. How'd it go? Bet you didn't get me to do anything!" "Well, maybe not, but let's go back to the pub to find out."

They stumbled out of the house, into a cab, and then back into their favourite pub. Once inside, Dad and GL went to get some more drinks, while JW went over to the jukebox. Just as GL was taking a gulp from his beer, the opening notes to 'Dancing Queen' sound out. GL suddenly tossed his beer in the air, shouted out "I love this song!", and ran to the dance floor and began flailing around.

"I can't believe it", said Dad, "it actually worked!" "You call that disco dancing, Dad? It looks more like an epileptic fit, only standing up!" GL was shaking, quivering and spinning, his limbs flying out in all directions, knocking over drinks and chairs. GL seems to get a hold of himself, but it was only to jump on top of a table to give a better show, but the table shattered. "Uh oh, we'd better stop him!" Dad got out his little bell, and began to ring it. GL continued his 'dancing'. JW took the bell, and ran towards GL (fighting his way through the amused audience) and began to ring the bell in GL's ear, but to no avail.

"There are still minutes left of this song! By the time it's done, he'll ruin the whole pub! What'll we do?" "I know!" said JW, "Claire can make him do anything!" He rang her on his mobile, and she answered after the first ring. "Claire, it's GL, he's - " "Wait," interrupted Claire, "is that 'Dancing Queen' in the background? Don't you know what that does to GL? Quick, where are you?" They soon discovered that Claire was at a pub just down the street. In no time at all, she was racing into the room. Wasting no time to survey the damage, she ran to the jukebox and pulled the plug. "Why didn't we think of that?" said JW.

The silence was deafening after all the noise. It looked as though a hurricane had gone through the pub: the majority of the tables and chairs were in splinters, the floor was littered with shattered glasses, there were very angry-looking men behind the bar, and dense crowd of people in a circle around the dance floor. JW, Dad and Claire pushed their way through, and found GL flat on the floor and covered in sweat.

"GL, get up off the floor this minute!" shouted Claire. GL looked up, looked around himself, saw the damage, and said "What happened? It looks like there's been a brawl! Ugh, I feel like I've been beaten up!" JW bent over to help GL up. "Sorry mate, we hypnotized you, but something must have gone wrong." "Oh no, that wasn't it at all", said Claire, "he does that every time he hears that horrid song. He claims to love the song when he hears it, but then he goes into a weird fit. All I know is that he was severely tramautized by the song when he was a child."

"Ha! I told you that you couldn't get me to do anything!" shouted a badly bruised GL. "Now what happened to my beer?"

QBJohnnywas April 8 2006 6:45 AM EDT

Lol, GL dancing to ABBA! Nice image!

QBBarzooMonkey April 8 2006 4:13 PM EDT

"GL," queried Johnnywas, "what is that fancy bit of embroidery on your jacket?"
"Why, that's my new QB. I have been made a Quarter Blender!" was GL's gleeful reply.
"Congratulations, my friend! You truly deserve it. I'll even have BM send you a celebratory Pint Of Beer from me! Just don't expect me to start calling you 'sir'."
"Oh, no", replied GL, as a smirk took control of his expression. "QBGL will suffice, thank you."
"Whatever bumps your thread, QBGL", replied Johnnywas. "Whatever bumps your thread."


Maelstrom April 8 2006 6:34 PM EDT

"Whatever bumps your thread."


And I'm picturing GL with "QB" embroidered on the back of his shirt in bright pink disco-glitter.


QBBarzooMonkey April 9 2006 9:39 PM EDT

One day, GL and JW stopped speaking to each other, because no matter how many attempts they made at bumping the thread, almost no one wrote any stories about them. They both blamed the other, and went off to seek adventure, each by himself, which just isn't nearly as much fun...

QBBarzooMonkey April 10 2006 6:06 PM EDT

GentlemanLoser and Johnnywas were driving along one morning, when they came upon a small bus driving erratically. First too fast, then too slow, weaving in and out of the lane. It was obvious at first glance, through the windows, that some kind of mayhem was going on inside.
"GL, pull up alongside, and I'll pop up through the sun roof to get a better look-see" said Johnnywas.
GL did the best he could to maintain his speed alongside the bus, without bumping it or the thread, and Johnnywas climbed up for a better look.
"GL! Bast and BM are on that bus, drinking from a huge bottle of bourbon! And Tezmac and Tomoyoshi are playing with knives, and Lukey and Wildthing are throwing chairs at each other! And that's G Beee driving!"
Johnnywas sank back down into his seat as GentlemanLoser slowed down and let the bus speed away.
"Well, that's just lovely!" said GL. All those CB'ers off to have a party without us, and not one of them has written a story about us yet!'
"And don't get me started about Barzoo, that traitor!" added Johnnywas. "I don't think we should bump his thread anymore!"


Maelstrom April 10 2006 11:32 PM EDT

If those others are off having a party, then maybe someone should write a story about them! Forget about those boring losers simply driving along. Of course, I believe GentlemanLoser is away on holiday now, so maybe he'll have some interesting adventures to report...

QBOddBird April 10 2006 11:53 PM EDT

Once upon a time, OddBird took a trip to the mountains. He'd never been to the mountains before, being from the redneck-y area of Alabama. For this reason, OB felt it important that he found a travelling companion or two - after all, if you don't know the terrain well, it is easy to get lost. After some searching, he found a pair of jokers sitting in a bathroom stall at a rest area and inquired as to their names. "GL!" and "Johnny!" were the eager replies. OB found it quite interesting that these two cards could even talk, being cards, but decided that he needed a companion and didn't exactly have the option of being choosy. He asked the two along to accompany him, and his response was greeted with loud cheers and a splash of beer all over his outfit. But how is this a surprise to anyone, hm?

Well, now that ole' OddBird had his two companions, he felt it time to take his trip. He immediately headed off with the two into the mountains. Not long into the trip, however, he noticed them whispering and giggling betwixt themselves. Not wanting to be left out, OB tried to listen in, only to find himself being gagged and tied up for his efforts! He struggled, but was subdued and carried through the forest for a good mile before being dropped down a deep shaft. He fell and fell, and finally landed a good 40 feet down on a feathery soft cushion - or so he thought. It was really a fellow named Raven, who appeared to be playing with rats. When queried about why, Raven explained as follows:

"Well, you see, Johnny and GL are a pair of puppetmasters. They trick folks into coming with them, usually acting as a pair of inebriated comedians, and then drop 'em down into this here hole. We end up sitting here betting all our monies on fights between groups of up to 4 rats, called minions, which we have trained with skills unlike any other rodents. We are an odd bunch, and have been named...the CB'ers." OddBird was quite confused by this turn of events, but soon found himself enjoying this small, rather difficult rat game.

And so continued forever the lives of many men and women, lured into the terrible depths of Carnage Blender by GentlemanLoser and Johnnywas, condemned for eternity to play this little game of minions, forever being played as minions themselves, simply puppets for the Drunken Masters.

Now let's play count the puns! ~_^

QBBarzooMonkey April 11 2006 9:30 PM EDT

I'm fresh out of motivation. Bump.

QBSefton [Black Cheetah Bazaar] April 12 2006 12:34 PM EDT

The familiar sounds of glass clinking, stools dragging, and chairs stacking accompanied and even more familiar sight. Closing time at the corner bar "Garble Caner Den" usually looked the same and tonight was no exception. Amidst the hustle and bustle that surrounded closing time two figures were still seated at a booth, nursing beers gone flat and warm some minutes ago, wringing every second out of the last few minutes before they were truly kicked out for the night.

The barmaid, curiously nicknamed "Stab" looked more weary than usual as she approached the pair. Look boys, it has been a long night, I would like to maybe get home before I have to come back here and start this all over again, what do you guys think, give me a break and head home a few minutes early? The look of shock and panic that crossed both their faces would have been more appropriate if she had asked them to join her in a wild botanical experiment involving an egg, a panda, and an African violet.

Allen Monger Set, inexplicable called "GL" by his friends, had to act fast. Knowing that leaving now meant extra minutes of lost revelry, his quick witted action was all that was going to be able to stop their early departure. Now see here Stab, you know we would like nothing better than to help you out, but on this particular evening your request has come at a bad time. Yeah chimed in Josh A. Wynn, aka Johnnywas aka JW, real bad timing mate, sure you will understand. The only thing I understand is you two good for nothings come in here every night, run every waitress ragged keeping up with you, give your little tips and your big mitts to their behinds, then sit here after everyone else has left nursing every ounce of patience and suds you can before you are promptly booted out as the clock strikes true closing time. Wounded to the quick, GL said, my dear lady, you wound me to the quick, for on any other night such a statement would be true, but alas on this night, well, our purpose for dawdling has a much higher calling. JW seeing an opportunity for input added, yah I mean you do not wish to endanger king and country for the want of a few more minutes of sleep now do you? Endanger king and country my great aunt Petunia’s behind said Stab, I would be surprised if you even knew what country you are in. GL realizing the game was afoot said, you mean you have not heard of operation "severe limp" and its global and regional implications? JW added, yah real important real hush hush, came direct to us from the lost cousin of Queen Victoria herself, like father Dempsey’s words to God’ ears it did. Stab was rightfully skeptic, but her interest was piqued. GL wasted no time in explaining operation "severe limp" to the confused barmaid.

I have run out of room on my word limit of 500, perhaps you will hear the true and factual tale of operation "severe limp" in the next installment.

QBSefton [Black Cheetah Bazaar] April 12 2006 4:53 PM EDT

Or Not....P.S. this got really long you can disqualify me, I haven't enter one of these yet because of the prizes.

Why don't you grab us a couple of rounds, sit down, kick off your shoes and rest while we enlighten you on the simple brilliance of operation "severe limp" GL said while tossing his head in the direction of the idle tappers. Stab gave a mercurial smile as she snatched up the two almost empty glasses and headed to the bar. There is a dear now Stab, and remember not too much foam chimed JW. GL and JW leaned in close, operation severe limp what are you thinking, you started it with king and country, I didn't expect you to take it literally, how was I supposed to take cousin of Victoria, where do you get this stuff. All came in hushed whispers as Stab returned with the same glasses sloppily poured to the top of the glass, with foam dribbling down the side. Now that's a shame, said JW as Stab set down the glasses. JW ran his finger through the foam and licked it, a waste of good beer it is. GL gave his partner a withering look, thank you Stab it is most generous of you to provide libations to us in our time of waiting. Sit down, and be prepared to be amazed. You are of course sworn to secrecy on this, and if not for your wicked plying of our lips with this nectar, we would for certain not be relating our tale to you. But as it is we now have a drink and an audience, and for truth this tale requires both.

GL: The day we learned of operation severe limp started like every other day. We had just awoke from our customary 2 hour night sleep,
JW: two and a half hours
GL :ah yes that is right, can't forget that all important 30 minutes, 2 and a half hour sleep after having been removed from this very establishment the evening before.
JW: And quite rudely if I do recall
Quick look of warning from GL
GL: We were of course bright and cheery immediately upon waking up, ready to partake in all ways the glorious new day before us.
JW: The fact that is was raining so hard we had to get out our sheet metal umbrellas just to protect us from the falling rain did not alter our spirits
GL: Ah yes and who would have guessed it was those very sheet metal umbrellas that would not only keep us dry but also save our lives and give us the opportunity to do good for our great land.
JW: Who indeed would have guessed?

More to come......?

QBSefton [Black Cheetah Bazaar] April 12 2006 5:57 PM EDT

GL: Well as JW so helpfully added we did need our sheet metal umbrellas and after quickly dressing we headed out the door in search of breakfast
JW: Commonly referred to in some parts of the world as beer
GL: Right and as we began our search I remarked to JW I had just heard a sound of distress, and thought perhaps we being two fine upstanding gentlemen should investigate the matter clearly.
JW: And while he but heard the sounds, I clearly saw them, a small girl huddled tightly, sitting on the curb sobbing in the harsh rain, a small waif of barely 10.
GL: Yes that’s right you did spot her first didn’t you?
JW: Keen eyes, I have always had them, can read the bylines on the paper from 50 paces I can
GL: And why we are such the pair as my own ears can hear the sound of a crumb falling from napkin to floor as my dinner date takes it from her mouth to her lap, so we do well together.
JW: Aye that we do
GL: Well as JW pointed out so pointedly, the sound of distress came from a small child huddled in the rain. We approached slowly, so as not to frighten the poor thing anymore than she clearly already was, and attempted to ascertain her conundrum.
JW: We wanted to know what was the matter
GL: Right but as we approached
JW: As we approached she said
GL: she said have either of you charming gentlemen seen my uncle, he is about your size and walks with a severe limp
JW: and I said, why no little girl, but we would be happy to find him for you
GL: Yes he did, he is always so helpful, our JW, but, well, when you think back on this I want you to consider the astounding coincidence that occurred at that moment, so profound this revelation, that upon hearing it you are certain to believe our involvement to be some matter of divine providence.
JW: Like angels delivered amen
GL: Right, just like that, but I seem to have emptied my glass
JW slams down the rest of his glass with a burp
JW: Me too
GL: I think it wise us not speak of this marvelous occurrence without being prepared for the awe-inspiring nature of it. Stab would you be a kind dear and offer your two heroes another round of your fine ale?
JW: I could use one too
Reluctantly and with great fanfare and sighing, Stab rose from her chair and headed to the bar with the two empty glasses.
Hushed whispering
GL: 50 paces my eye, you are so blind drunk all the time you can’t see 5 feet
JW: I see I have 4 feet right now, and besides if your ears were 100 times as good as you say they are, your own drunken snoring would rouse you every night only moments from falling asleep.
GL: A little girl, I serve you up sounds of distress and you give me a little girl
JW: But she was crying
GL: She was NOT! She was
Stab returns with the beers and unceremoniously sets them onto the table and returns to her chair as the co-conspirators lean back from their whispering.
Stab: So what is the earth shaking revelation, this divine providence, you know I have a right mind to toss you right out on your ear for telling me such tales.

QBBarzooMonkey April 12 2006 11:19 PM EDT

I'm lifting the 500 word rule. Even mine was more than 800... :P

Maelstrom April 12 2006 11:31 PM EDT

There was a 500 word rule? Oops. I didn't count mine, but I'm sure it's over... so now it qualifies? ;)

QBOddBird April 13 2006 10:15 AM EDT

Aw, man. In that case, I'm writing another one, less abbreviated; the 500 word rule was what held me back! But there's got to be *some* limit, so what is it now, BM?

QBBast [Hidden Agenda] April 13 2006 10:21 AM EDT

If it reads like Tolstoy, you've exceeded the word limit?

QBJohnnywas April 13 2006 10:39 AM EDT

GL and JW - word limit? That goes against all the laws of nature!

QBBarzooMonkey April 13 2006 12:35 PM EDT

OB, what Bast said ;)
Seriously, the only word limit is now "don't make it so long that no one will bother reading it" :)

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] April 14 2006 10:00 AM EDT

Someone, somewhere, has a video of me and three friends (the best man included) dancing to YMCA at my wedding reception.... We had different hats...

QBBarzooMonkey April 14 2006 1:11 PM EDT

"Johnny", said QBGL, "there are less than 24 hours until deadline! We need to have more adventures for people to write about!"
"I agree", replied Johnnywas. "I believe that this calls for an 'all-nighter'. Call G Beee and have him pick us up in the Fabulous Flying Pirate Ship, and to make sure the on board pub is well stocked!"
"If I recall correctly, you lost the ship to sssimmo a few bump threads ago! G Beee drives a bus now!"
"Oh, yeah", replied Johnny, his voice trailing off in thought. "Well, call sssimmo then! Have him pick up G Beee! And Bast! And Sefton, and Maelstrom, and Oddbird, and Zoglog, and anyone else he can fit on the ship! While we're waiting, I'll call novice and Itami and see where the stories they said they'd write are!"
"What about Barzoo? Shouldn't we have sssimmo get him, too?" asked QBGL.
"No, he would just insist on bringing all of those dogs with him. Besides, he's gone and started with his silly 'nursery rhymes' already. He should just be thankful that we've bumped his thread again! "

QBBarzooMonkey April 15 2006 10:00 AM EDT

Johnnywas laughed hysterically as his "partner-in-crime" tried to pull himself to his feet using the bars on the iron fence that surrounds the White House.
"I told you the Secret Service wouldn't take to kindly to a drunken Brit demanding to speak to the President!" he slurred.
"But desperate times call for desperate measures!" replied QBGL as he stumbled trying to dust himself off. "There are less than 2 hours to deadline, and we still need more adventures!"
"Well," replied Johnny, "let's go back to the pub, and have a toast to BM in one last attempt at a bump. I'm buying!"
"Now that's a well thought out plan!" said QBGL.

QBOddBird April 15 2006 10:28 AM EDT

Once upon a time, in a land far away, lived two tiny little pink and purple pixies. The first fluttered towards a glittering castle and shook his tiny blonde locks. "Johnny!" It cried in a high-pitched squeal, "You just gotta keep it strong, move along, we'll make it!" The other small pixie bobbled along, its wings barely aflutter. This was Johnnywas the pixie, a small chubby pixie with a receding hairline. "GL..." came the quiet reply, "I'm not flying one more inch without some alcohol!" GentlemanLoser, the ditzier of the two pixies, came back with a quick buzz of his wings and grabbed JW. "We must reach the castle first, and we'll have something to drink there!" he cried, and pulled Johnny by the wings towards the castle.

Four hours later, they arrived at the steps of a magnificent red castle. It appeared to be made of ruby, with bloodstained steps and a cherry doorhandle. It was all Johnnywas could do to both knock on the door and hold GL back from eating it. Then they both quickly stood still. Something was roaring inside, crying out, "I'M COMING, I'M COMING, stupid little pesky pixies are back again I'll bet" - suddenly, the door was flung wide open to reveal a gigantic red wolf standing on two legs! He looked all around, squinted, then looked down to see GL and Johnny. "Yum, lunch!" He cried out, and took a swipe at the two. The pair of pixies shot away from the outstretched hand and stood back a couple meters. "JW, you talk to him!" whispered the trembling GL.

Johnnywas stood before the enormous canine, and spoke boldly. "Who are you, what is your name, and do you have alcohol??" The wolf replied, "I am RedWolf, I am RedWolf, and we have RedWine!" This response suited the two pixies, and they requested that they be allowed in to dine. RedWolf grinned and agreed, and the trio headed into the big red castle. The door shut ominously behind them, and a piercing scream was suddenly heard coming from within!

"What do you mean, going bald?? I have a high forehead!!!" shrieked Johnny, as GL held him back from attacking his much larger opponent. RedWolf laughed and laughed 'till his stomach shook like a bowl full of jelly, and then Santa Claus dropped in and slapped him with a subpoena for copyright infringement. The wolf somberly left, and the two pixies thought about what to do next. "Why did you even have the idea to come to this blinkin' castle? What was the point?" asked Johnnywas, and GL thought for a moment. "I don't know, it seems to have slipped my mind. However, the wolf mentioned booze, and when I can't think straight, that's the perfect enhancer for my mind!" Johnnywas thought about this, agreed, and the two decided that they'd find some alcohol before they continued whatever quest they previously had forgotten.

The two pixies wandered the castle over, searching everywhere for the so-called "RedWine", but couldn't find anything to drink the end of their ropes, there was only one thing left to do. Squabble! "This is so stupid, and it is your fault!" cried Johnnywas. GL sneered back at him. "It isn't stupid, and just because I have these beautiful long blond locks doesn't mean you should be so jealous." Johnnywas seethed, being rather sensative about his hair, and screamed, "Well you're not one to talk, floating around in that ridiculous pink skirt!!" GL took a step back, shocked, and began to sob. "I thought it was beauutifullllllll *sniffle* I thought I was cute *sob* its the only thing that doesn't clash with these shoes *snort* and I thought you could at least support that!" JW reached forward, and touched GL's shoulder. "There there, I was just angry. It *is* a cute pink skirt, and I think it goes quite well with the rest of your outfit." Having their issues resolved, the two continued their adventure!

They wandered the castle a little longer, and wondered aloud as to why they couldn't find this "RedWine" anyplace. Suddenly, Johnnywas had an idea! "Why don't we open a drawer or something, instead of just looking on all the counters? Do you suppose it might be *in* something?" At this stroke of genius, the two flittered over to the nearest cabinet, wings pounding as hard as they could flap them, and opened it.


There was RedWine.

The rest of their adventures disappeared into a blurry memory, and GL woke up the next day on a subway train headed home, with only a note from a local Bee telling him what a lightweight he was. Johnnywas awoke back in the castle only to find the wolf staring at him oddly....but then the wolf pulled a bottle of Rogaine from behind his back, and everyone was happy.

The End!

QBOddBird April 17 2006 9:34 AM EDT

Who won?

QBBarzooMonkey April 17 2006 10:02 AM EDT

Judging is currently in progress :)

Maelstrom April 18 2006 3:14 PM EDT

Any results yet?

QBBarzooMonkey April 18 2006 3:20 PM EDT

Just waiting on 1 more decision. Patience, young Padawans :)

Maelstrom April 18 2006 3:32 PM EDT

Just making sure you didn't forget, old man ;)

QBBarzooMonkey April 19 2006 10:19 AM EDT

GentlemanLoser and Johnnywas were lounging on the deck of the Fabulous Flying Pirate Ship,
enjoying some brews in the late afternoon sun. "So, GL", began Johnny, "we need to decide who
told the best tale of our adventures!"
"Mine doesn't count!" came a voice from high above them. The both glanced up at
BarzooMonkey, who was hanging upside-down from the rigging high above them, sewing up a
hole in one of the sails.
"We know that, BM." said QBGL. "You just finish fixing that mess of yours, before Beee comes
out and sees it."
"How many times do I have to tell you", added Johnny, in his best attempt at a G_Beee
impersonation, "don't shoot those silly model rockets of yours off the deck when the sails are
unfurled!" They both chuckled a bit, and then got back to the business at hand as they realized
BM wasn't listening anyway, as he had begun singing "The Banana Splits Theme" to himself.
"We have GL & JW, super-secret spies; GL & JW, secret CB cabalists; GL & JW, dainty fairies;
and GL & JW, dancing fools."
said Johnnywas. "I think we should start with..." He was interrupted by a thin piece of rope with a
small noose tied in its end, that had just fallen between them, and was dangling right at face level.
"Beer me, please" came the all-too-familiar voice from above. QBGL carefully placed the neck of
a bottle in the noose, and silently said a small prayer for its safety as it began its slow rise up to
"I think the dancing story was a pretty funny visual, myself" shouted BM.
"BM, would you stop interrupting? This is serious business!" responded QBGL sternly.
"You really should be a little nicer to me" said BM with a purposeful smirk, " you wouldn't even be
lounging there right now if I hadn't won the Fabulous Flying Pirate Ship back from sssimmo!"
"He's right, you know" whispered Johnny.
"He wouldn't be, if you hadn't lost it in the first place" was QBGL's response, fighting hard to hold
back a smile.
"Back to business, then", said Johnny, "He's also right about the funny visual thing. The sight of
you trashing the pub, dancing wildly to ABBA was certainly my favorite."
"Blah, blah, blah", said QBGL, unable to hold back his smile any longer. "my favorite was the
intrigue that was 'Operation Severe Limp' ".
"What about all those bumps, huh?"
"BARZOO!!!!" they both exclaimed. BM smiled to himself and thought, "born to antagonize, yessir,
born to antagonize".
"I liked the evil CB secret story too, though", said Johnny.
"Yes, so did I" replied QBGL, "this is harder than I thought it would be."
"Let's add a 3rd prize and give one to each of the 3 entrants, in the order of "Dancing to ABBA,
then "Severe Limp", then "Secret CB Cabalists" came the voice from the rigging, again.
QBGL grabbed a discarded bottle cap, thinking he would throw it at the offending MonkeyBoy,
when he realized that BM's idea was actually a good one, and that is exactly what they did:

BarzooMonkey (Penultimate Days) Maelstrom (Kynthelig) $1000000 -- GL & JW
winner! 10:13 AM EDT

BarzooMonkey (Penultimate Days) Sefton (Shimmer) $250000 -- GL & JW - 2nd!
10:14 AM EDT

BarzooMonkey (Penultimate Days) [OB]OddBird (Cowfish) $100000 -- GL & JW -
3rd! 10:15 AM EDT

QBJohnnywas April 19 2006 10:29 AM EDT

Yay we have winners! Well done people!

JW sat back in his rocking chair and scratched his bald head. 'Well, grandchildren, gather round. The ancient Monkey Man has finally decided on some winners. I had hair when this contest began and a much better sense of humour. And your grandmother was still a young woman, not much older than you are now.

And your Great Uncle GL, well he was still here. Such a sad story...if only he hadn't sat on that giant firework. Ah but he was always a show off. Still if you look through your Super Wizard telescopes you can still catch sight of him. Such adventures he must have had, such adventures...One day I'm sure they'll figure out how to get him and The Twins down from there....'

QBBast [Hidden Agenda] April 19 2006 10:32 AM EDT

Good job, guys! And Thank You, Barzoo!

Maelstrom April 19 2006 11:54 AM EDT

Wow, that's a surprise! Thanks Mr. Monkey! :)
This thread is closed to new posts. However, you are welcome to reference it from a new thread; link this with the html <a href="/bboard/q-and-a-fetch-msg.tcl?msg_id=001las">The Adventures of GentlemanLoser and Johnnywas!</a>