G_Beee's Big, "Bad" BarzooContest (in Contests)

G_Beee gave me this idea, and is sponsoring the majority of the prizes from his Admin character. Your job is to write the opening sentence of a "CB Novel" that is so bad, it's almost good. You know, the old "It was a dark and stormy night..." bad mystery novel joke.

It should be creative, imaginative, and unique, but really, really bad...

Here's my own example:

"As the moonlight glimmered off of his bloodied tulwar like the blinking L.E.D. lights on a VCR after a power outage, Doom's Fury felt the way one would after a long walk to the corner store for smokes on a steamy July afternoon, which was exhausted, hot and uncomfortable, yet anticipating that first drag on that cheap menthol cigarette like it was a first kiss at the Winter Festival Dance."

If you would like to volunteer to help me judge, drop me a CM. After judging, G_Bee will post a top 5 poll for ya'll to vote on the winners.

First prize is 1 mil CB$ from G_Beee
2nd prize is 500K CB$ from G_Beee
3rd prize is 250k from your's truly
Judge's Choice will be A Steel Familiar lvl 970, also from yours truly.

Rules, there are always rules:
1. PG people!
2. Multiple entries are allowed
3. Deadline for entries will be Saturday, July 29th at noon (server time)
4. This is meant to be fun, so entries judged to be insulting in a mean-spirited or malicious manner will be disqualified

Game On!

Way to steal the idea from here!

I'd enter the one I entered there, but it's not exactly PG. It was such an array of cliches to rend even the most stolid personality unconscious.

Good to luck to all who enter!

Realization hit me in the stomach like a fist in the stomach when I realized my head was aching from a really bad headache that rang in my ears much like some sort of ringing in my ears, while my blurry vision made everything I couldn't see very, dangerously blurry as if I had been smacked in the body by a fistful of realization.

-----------------------------------

Hopefully more to come, I just thought I would go with the horribly, obviously "bad" first off...

The night of battle was so hot you could fry eggs on the sidewalk. The air itself was several degrees warmer than your own breath, meaning the water vapor would instantly condense upon exhalation like a overworked air conditioning unit. We were so hot after the battle we ended up breathing on each other just to get the little relief of the evaporating water vapor from our exposed skin. The effect was minimal and felt as if one was be butterfly kissed by SpongeBob Squarepants, and the cooling effect was akin to covering oneself in water before entering the clay firing kiln.

The anxiety of impending doom hit me as the fight approached and I mini-puked like a mama bird regurgitating for its young, feeling like the butterflies in my stomach were going to fold back into cocoons inside some third-grader's Bell jar -- only this time they forgot to punch the holes in the lid, just like I was forgetting to breathe before my fiery battle.

With steely eyes I eyed my opponent, across the vast battlefield, stretching before us like some grand red carpet awaiting the over priced heels of some underweight actress, and gripped my sword as tightly as the dread that gripped my my achy breaky heart.

Mem - exactly! :P

"Hamish!" wailed Lorenzo, "unlearn cone of cold!" Robert the Bruce, if i have to tell you to get a haircut one more time...your fired!" Get it together people, we have to battle Crisis today!

"How can tanks suddenly be carrying weapons bigger than Marlon Brando's restaurant tab?" I asked myself through teeth gritted tighter than a freshly round yo-yo that Duncan himself created. It was going to take a team of Hell-minions to beat these behemoths of fighting fury. That was OK, because I had friends in Low Places.

My heart was colder than my Ice Familiar as I popped healing pills like Pez and pulled back on my Elven Long Bow string until it sang like a fat lady at the end of the opera and I let fly a hail of arrows that all missed worse than the jokes on open mic night because my enemy had on displacement boots that could have saved the Titanic.

A little something to help you make your sentence a little extra bad here.

Marinating in fear, my eyeballs glanced frantically from side to side like I was watching a tennis game being played by jack-rabbits on crack. The marinade switched to sweet-smelling barbecue as an enemy mage entered the arena and fried my armor off me like greasy chicken skin. This was going to be worse than the day my wife left me when I was out looking for my lost dog and the truck broke down and the gun rack fell off the back.

Tis was a long time back, around the corner and down the street from here, just a while ago; truth be told it might have happened here yesterday, I can't rightly tell anymore, but this IS a story, a story about how the butler did it...wait, no umm I did it, no no, Nymandus did it! I knew I should have seen the arena doctor after that fight with Krang yesterday... - C. Keken daily fight log

---

Grasping her closely, he began to weep uncontrollably, snot flowed like rivers as he quivered and shook, The smell from his pants was unmistakable; and that was just the enchantment round - Eustace

---

I hate Hu-man, they are dumb, I came to this place to learn secrets fighting, but all Thane learned is how get chopped half or stupid spells. Thane tired being second minion, want single tank, with BoNE! Now 4th minion, die first even before stupid tank that stand in front, I hate mage, stinky mage shoot evil lasers at rear. - Thane of unknown (I know where I from, but you no no. It secret.

---

As I awoke one bright shining day, I looked to the sky and saw my reflection.
The peerless happiness of the splendidness of my countenence, has the consequence of evidence of all import. Tribilative exponents counteract, the additional manifests of the facts, I can't believe it but it's true...everyone says there's no one smart as you! No one understands a word I say, they'll make me high priest any day! - Ralpus

But hark, what smell on yonder battlefield wake, it is the enemy's stench, and it is as bad as an old coon dog howling about his bad leg like some brokeback mountain cowboy without a friend.

It would seem that the fact you are supposed to only give one sentence is being selectively ignored...

so sorry I've had too many cms back and forth with Bast today, punctuation is creeping into my otherwise wonderous run on messages...

Bones cracked, joints creaked, muscles strained, sweat dripped, blood pulsed, intestines quaked, a beer-belly bounced, the ground shook, armour clanged, dust clouds rose, and finally, the whip snapped: "OK", the elderly warrior, putting away his jumprope, said to the crowd of thoroughly bored young men hoping for lessons in the art of war, while trying to catch his breath, "I've finished my one minute warm-up," he wheezed, "which of you think you can take me on?"

Can we get clarification on the single sentence requirement, Barzoo? Basically, I like multiple sentences, or we can all just keep on writing run-on sentences. (I'd prefer allowing multiple, personally).

Can we just make this an "opening paragraph" contest, not an "opening sentence" one?

CAR!

Okay, I kind of prefer "opening paragraph" myself. Let's make it officially "no more than 4 sentences". But an extra 100k bonus to any top 5 finalist who can do an entire paragraph in 1 painfully long, yet grammatically correct sentence.

:)

Game on!

it was hot, so hot that the cars went only 2 mph; so hot that if a man spit it would steam in mid-air. i should of got that ac fixed

The angry red sun beat a steady tattoo of heat on the combatants like a speaker flattening bass line from some over dubbed hip-hop song, while the participants mulled over their fate, one warriors voice rose above them all like a arrow shot to the sky. "Slaughtered, I tell you we were slaughtered like those walls that fall before the VB, like those mages that fall before the seekers, like those AMF-less tanks that fall before a well thought out decay."

It was the best of CB, it was the worst of CB, it was the age of tanks, it was the age of NW, it was the epoch of massive ranged damage, it was the epoch of bloodlusted Morgs, it was the season of Elbow, it was the season of Axbow, it was the spring of RoS protected AS, it was the winter of mages, we had tanks before us, we had mages behind us, tanks are going directly to heaven, mages were doing all direct the other way - in short, the period of tanks was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities like Ranger or Novice insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

With apologies to Charles Dickens.......

AS the sunlight gleamed off his cheap store bought rapier,he wondered if it had been a good idea to go against a four man team of twice his numbers . Nope! Darn I should of watched the instuctions at the start!!(can I have a gold star teach?)

She was dangerous with a double D, the exact size of the Adamantium Brassiere that gleamed in the heat of the afternoon sun. A body like sin and a mind like a lexicon made for a lethal combination on the dusty bloodstained arena floor and it was going to take all his steel trap wit and instinct to survive a duel with the Belle of the Battlefield, the Goddess of Gore, the Dominatrix of Death, the Queen of Carnage, Bast The Barbarian Queen.


Was that bad enough?

After buying his new pants of virtue and finding out that magically he couldn't remove them he really wished he'd gotten the pair with the back hatch oh well the legs were fairly wide but already his partners in crime wouldn't stand close to him like that tank should wrinkle his nose like a pot bellied pig with rionitus the nasal disease that hog farmers know about well his power had increased with those pants and they would all bow before him SOON!

It was a plain and normal day when once upon every time someone was complaining about something being too powerful in the forum.

not mean spirited but just a beginning of a fable that you cant please everyone :)

He was caught, caught in the preverbial blender, his luck lower than the last Multi to try to slease their way past the Admins. His Amulet of Invisibility had made him as invisible as a Camper with the Google toolbar, or maybe a Mage in the Weapon Store. He stuck out in the middle of the battlefiled like a throbbing sore thumb, a thumb glowing with its own inner crimson radience, as vulnerable as a new born baby to the Magic Missiles that assulted his rear and the unstoppable rain of unarmed blows that bruised and battered him from infront.

The young strapping lad was too fast, too furious, and completely invincible. On road, off road, through hell and back, the great warrior still remained undefeated after 8 months and a half. His path was marked by hellfire and dead bodies fried like barbecue chicken on a hot summer day. He had absolutely no weakness - except for one.

Some people need to be reminded that . ? and ! all cause sentences to come to an end. ;)

We've been over that already Stephen...

Yeah, I'm slow today!

It was a boring day in Carnage Blender while people were sitting at their computer and NUB's were coming in, and the vets were all burning BA on NCB's or their top characters, and Multis were being banned and reset.

Ranger pushed back his chair like a bouncer pushing away drunks at a seedy nightclub at two in the morning, except he was sitting down, his fingers aching like an overweight marathon runner's legs, completing a Carnage Blender session, which, if it had been real, would have left him surrounded by a pile of bloodied corpses resembling the scene at an abattoir where the workers killing the cows haven't yet been told there is a haulage strike at the other end of the process, but it wasn't real, and his carpet was considerably cleaner as a result.

Opening paragraphs are lame. The tradition of Bulwer-Lytton mandates that a single sentence be created. If you're going to allow more than one sentence then you're running a bad bad-sentence contest. And I'd dare say you should remove your example of "It was a dark and stormy night..." because that is straight from the cockles of Mr. Edward George Bulwer-Lytton's heart, and he wasn't world-renowned for his opening 'paragraphs'. It was his opening sentence that inspired many a creative writer in a doldrums to rediscover their talent, if not for writing well, then at least for writing poorly well.

Is it your contest Mem?

Then we would have to disregard the vast majorities of entries. This is Carnage Blender, a very name that screams "altruistic literary sensibilities have no place here!" Besides, if Charles M. Shultz can make jokes about a beagle named Snoopy writing a novel that begins "It was a dark and stormy night", then I can reference it here. :P

To add insult to injury, here is an unedited CM entry from Hi I'm Jake, who has been forum banned:

in the world of cb i was new, graduating day from the tutroial was yesterday and i did it i was in the carnage off on my journey. in spite of the ridicule i got from pros i was ready. in order to survive through cb i had my handy dandy wiki which i read over and over. i have to choose the way of a mage or tank.

Long ago, in a battlefield far, far away the tanks and mages of the Order of Carnage collected for one last extended tournament. The only rules were that the last team standing would be the victors and that there were to be no back-ups. Let the games begin!

'I WAS THERE' Gentlemanloser would say afterwards, until afterwards became a time quite devoid of laughter. 'I was there, the day Jonathan slew The Apocalypse Book'. It was delicious conceit, and his fellow Blenders would chuckle at the sheer treason of it.

Gore bespattered his threadbare raiments clinging slimily to his hypertrophied thews breathing deeply and trembling mightily from exhaustion he grinned evilly remembering that crystalline moment of triumph in carving his name into the chest of his only true enemy dame terrible the spell checker soon to be renamed dame pest of no other suggestions! I Looked and its wrong about those four words DEATH TO THE TYRANT!!

it was a dark and stormy night a nub comes into the house wielding a whip and a mage a scream a shatter of glass the nub left b4 his ba ran out

To NCB or not to NCB, that is the question.

gasp edyit had one sentance

"...Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who was best known for perpetrating The Last Days of Pompeii, Eugene Aram, Rienzi, The Caxtons, The Coming Race, and--not least--Paul Clifford, whose famous opener has been plagiarized repeatedly by the cartoon beagle Snoopy. No less impressively, Lytton coined phrases that have become common parlance in our language: "the pen is mightier than the sword," "the great unwashed," and "the almighty dollar" (the latter from The Coming Race, now available from the Broadview Press)."

Now, perhaps if anyone here was as brilliant as Mr. Shultz I could let it pass. Since that is not the case, I vehemently disagree with the merits of this contest. If you're worried about any previous entries that would not fall under the original specifications, then just make them put an 'and' or an 'or' in place of their periods.

And no, novice, this is not where your input is needed.

"The true spirit of conversation consists in building on another man's observation, not overturning it."--Bulwer-Lytton

Aw, rats! You threw Snoopy back at me. How can I argue against your stance when you keep using weapons of mass instruction against me? :)

The 1 sentence vs. multiple sentence rule is now under further review. I'll post a final clarification soon...

The evil english teacher MeM,the secretly bawdy,glanced back down at the paper he was grading shading his eyes to hide the tears of frustration from the others more students like this slash.

As Stephanie looked at the ranks of players she would have to face, more numerous than souls in the Matrix, which was a much better movie than its sequels, she thought of Miyamoto Musashi, one of the most famous swordsmen who ever lived although his fame was probably mostly due to writing about himself in the Book of the Five Rings, and nodding to herself, picked up her Heaume, shrugged into her Double Chain Mail, slung her Tower Shield over her shoulder, and prepared to meet her opponents in Unarmed Combat.

Car!

We will now get the ruling on the field:

*microphone squawk* "Upon further review review review review, the rule change on the field stands stands stands stands. Up to 4 sentences will be allowed allowed allowed allowed. First down!" *more microphone squawk*

There you have it...

Game On!

She was an attractive bottle blonde, doomed to a life of posing with poorly worded bait in a Russian Mafia spam scheme, her only hope dashed on the rocks again when the latest round of Brendan spam failed to net her either Fraser or Gleeson, men of action capable of springing like a slinkee at a moment's notice to offer her the comfort of strangers.

Thinking while I was caught in traffic, I held my head as a bag of cabbage, under the awkward rays of the tepid sun I move my sunburnt hand to the old glove compartment to retrieve my spectacular set of insanely glossy eyeware pieces. I am now endowed with tan vision brown vision. I continue my drive into the blackened wasteland of metal monstrously mediocre vehicles!

Her body was covered with bruises and blood from the thousands of fists men beat her with on a daily basis. With only a cloak to conceal her sexy feminine figure and her big rack, she could not help but feel uncomfortable among the millions of savage men warriors that all stared at her chest. She secretely desired to stop being used for experience, but for now she would have to continue to be nothing more than an object.

- i think this is PG

Looking down as a strange drowsiness washed over him and as he floated over a field of square items, an odd rune upon each,a pulling drew his attention towards the blinding rectangle. His forehead pushed though its surface and suddenly the roar of the crowd drew his mind to the realization it was his teams turn at bat . To be sure it was a blood begrimed bat, a bat saturated with the scent of unmitigated fear,a bat fouled by his victims.For this was the ,Arena Of Carnage Blender,just another job!! my book says the dirty bat is right.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far, far, very far away and further than that, lived a princess in a castle, surrounded by a moat, which was inhabited by crocodiles and piranhas, who were intent on hurting anyone who had the misfortune of falling into the moat.

-- Pause

Sorry, you said a sentence, but I got carried away.

-- Continue

Well, this princess she was in a very deep sleep after eating a sour apple, which had been poisoned, the apple was poisoned, not the princess, regardless the princess after eating the poisonous apple fell into the most deepest of sleeps.

It's a shame that you deem it necessary to "dumb" down the contest because you feel no one here is smart enough, BM.

Even worse is that it's true...

The specter loomed large it's wings were the grasping tentacles of a world of nightmares bent on ravaging the miniscule fractions of humanity left to those of us still untwisted enough to see the world for what it is, an arena of death for the amusement of those around us, we around here like to call it carnage blender.

I apologize in advance for not being able to resist this. It's been exceptionally hot overnight in London and I woke up in a bad mood. But I can't help myself. I'm reminded of those people who stand over you while you are attempting to do something and insist on telling you what you are doing wrong. Who believe they are the expert. I know CB is full of those kinds of people but generally the worst offenders will then show you how they would carry out the task. And often it does turn out that they know what they are doing. Perhaps this will be the case here.....

So, Mem, in my bad mood I offer up a challenge. Instead of simply criticizing, why not show us how it's done?

'4. This is meant to be fun, so entries judged to be insulting in a mean-spirited or malicious manner will be disqualified' . So says BM.

I offer up this challenge, despite my bad temper this morning, in that spirit. Contests are meant to be fun, so come on Mem, engage with us. Have some fun. Unless your idea of fun is to insult the intelligence of everybody who has taken part so far.


(Again I apologize for my grumpiness.) ;)

Well after that maybe I should change my battle cries back to what they were??

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's a shame that you deem it necessary to "dumb" down the contest because you feel no one here is smart enough, BM.

Even worse is that it's true...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Talk for yourself donkey... your part of the group your talking about. And that being said you've just called yourself an idiot. Since you've already established yourself as an idiot no one can take you seriously, meaning that not everyone in CB is dumb but you sure are.

Off the boards hypocrite, go home and go back to school. Rofl Mem you are a MORON

New ruling: this contest is officially cancelled. I absolutely refuse to let it degenerate into a flame fest. Sorry, everyone.

Well that is a shame, it seemed like it was getting a lot of people involved.

To Mem: What do you care? I mean it's not like it is your money, or your contest, or your place to make the rules for it. You are certainly welcome to your opinion, you have every right to say you disagree with the ruling, but that right does not extend to insulting the players of the contest, nor the creator. Tis one thing to say, Boo I liked it as a one big sentence, it is another to infer I am, or anyone is dumb because the rules were changed.

UncleKracker: So far your posts have been tasteless and without merit. Your recent start date combined with your seeming enjoyment to push that which might be deemed offensive to the limit of potential punishment, shows that there is only one moron posting on this thread and it is you. Wait until you are out of your diapers before slinging your mud or else they might get taken down and sound and thorough spanking might ensue. And trust me this, I have been posting on these forums a long time. Since the day there was a forum here. If you really think you can do it, then well, you are welcome to try, but in the end, you will be forum banned because you have no self control and limited intelligence and will say something stupid (yes that is a redundant statement), and I will get the last say and the last laugh. Forewarned is forearmed.

No fair Seft, I'm already running books on the time it'll take that montnoltiapedudesque genius to get himself banned, place your bet or step aside.

sorry for my part in this I though I wasn't going to far :-(

Pants...another changemonth was complete, but he still wanted to know why his minion wore no pants.

Dang, just finally realized this contest got cancelled... Barzoo, thanks for tryin gthe contest -- I thought it was tremendous fun, and would have entered more had I not ben offline for 72 hours without power...

Mem, what kind of killer African bee flew in your bonnet? An awful lot of chin-wagging for someone who didn't even post an entry... :\

The contest was bad, more bad than a big bad thing studying bad at bad University in the town of Badsville in Badonialand. So bad that big bad Barzoo pulled the plug and declared bad contests were a thing of the bad past.

Too bad, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Ya know the thing thats killing me is who should have won?

I think G_Beee just did...lol....

Who's bad? Hoooo!!!!

(If ya'll could actually see me, you'd see me moon walking right now, as this was a "bad" Michael Jackson joke, in the spirit of all things "bad".)

Don't put your keyboards away just yet, kids... ;)