G_Beee's Big, "Bad" BarzooContest v1.5 (in Contests)

G_Bee and I have discussed this, and we are going to try this again. Please read the following very carefully:
Your entry must be 1 single sentence. If you would like to re-enter an entry from the last attempt, and it had more than one sentence, you must edit it to replace periods, question marks and exclamation points with commas and conjunctions (and, but, & or, etc.). Even if it's one long, run-on sentence, it must be 1 single sentence. Multiple sentence (i.e. paragraph) entries will be disqualified, no exceptions. Okay, here we go:

G_Beee gave me this idea, and is sponsoring the majority of the prizes from his Admin character. Your job is to write the opening sentence of a "CB Novel" that is so bad, it's almost good. You know, the old "It was a dark and stormy night..." bad mystery novel joke.

It should be creative, imaginative, and unique, but really, really bad...

Here's my own example:

"As she walked into the arena, I knew I was in for trouble, the kind of trouble that has you drinking mead until you can't tell the difference between it and your own drunken bile, because she had a face that could make a man want to cut out his own entrails just to let her win, and a fireball that could burn up your insides faster than a suicide burrito from Gar's Arena Snack Hovel."

If you would like to volunteer to help me judge, drop me a CM. After judging, G_Bee will post a top 5 poll for ya'll to vote on the winners.

First prize is 1 mil CB$ from G_Beee
2nd prize is 500K CB$ from G_Beee
3rd prize is 250k from your's truly
Judge's Choice will be A Steel Familiar lvl 970, also from yours truly.

Rules, there are always rules:
1. PG people!
2. Multiple entries are allowed
3. Deadline for entries will be Saturday, August 12th at noon (server time)
4. This is meant to be fun, so entries judged to be insulting in a mean-spirited or malicious manner will be disqualified

Game On!

Good! This was a great contest.


'She was dangerous with a double D, the exact size of the Adamantium Brassiere that gleamed in the heat of the afternoon sun, had a body like sin and a mind like a lexicon, making for a lethal combination on the dusty bloodstained arena floor and it was going to take all his steel trap wit and instinct to survive a duel with the Belle of the Battlefield, the Goddess of Gore, the Dominatrix of Death, the Queen of Carnage, Bast The Barbarian(Librarian?) Queen. '


I'm in. Again Possibly in trouble. Again.

It was a dark, and geeky night, with many nerds, sitting in their basements, fingers flying across the keyboard, wishing they were as good as him.


Lalalala, figure out who 'him" is for yourself.

Slashundhack, July 19 2006 6:20 PM EDT
After buying his new pants of virtue and finding out that magically he couldn't remove them he really wished he'd gotten the pair with the back hatch oh well the legs were fairly wide but already his partners in crime wouldn't stand close to him like that tank should wrinkle his nose like a pot bellied pig with rionitus the nasal disease that hog farmers know about well his power had increased with those pants and they would all bow before him SOON!

Gore bespattered his threadbare raiments clinging slimily to his hypertrophied thews breathing deeply and trembling mightily from exhaustion he grinned evilly remembering that crystalline moment of triumph in carving his name into the chest of his only true enemy dame terrible the spell checker soon to be renamed dame pest of no other suggestions! I Looked and its wrong about those four words DEATH TO THE TYRANT!!

She was an attractive bottle blonde, doomed to a life of posing with poorly worded bait in a Russian Mafia spam scheme, her only hope dashed on the rocks again when the latest round of Brendan spam failed to net her either Fraser or Gleeson, men of action capable of springing like a slinkee at a moment's notice to offer her the comfort of strangers.

It was a plain and normal day when once upon every time someone was complaining about something being overpowered in the forums.

He was caught, caught in the preverbial blender, his luck lower than that of the last Multi to try to slease their way past the Admins, his Amulet of Invisibility making him as invisible as a Camper with the Google toolbar, or maybe a Mage in the Weapon Store.

'I WAS THERE' Gentlemanloser would say afterwards, until afterwards became a time quite devoid of laughter, 'I was there', he would continue, 'the day Jonathan slew The Apocalypse Book' and it was delicious conceit, a delicious conceit his fellow Blenders would chuckle at at the sheer treason of it.

Ranger pushed back his chair like a bouncer pushing away drunks at a seedy nightclub at two in the morning, except he was sitting down, his fingers aching like an overweight marathon runner's legs, completing a Carnage Blender session, which, if it had been real, would have left him surrounded by a pile of bloodied corpses resembling the scene at an abattoir where the workers killing the cows haven't been told there is a haulage strike at the other end of the slaughtering process, but it wasn't real, and his carpet was considerably cleaner as a result.

"Your job is to write the opening sentence of a "CB Novel" that is so bad, it's almost good."

1T W4S 4 D4RK 4|\|D 570RMY |\| |GHT i|\| CBL4|\|D, 4|\|D |\/|0|\|7Y \/\/45 o|\||_1|\|3 1|\| C4R|\|4G3...

It gets no worse.

Fizzle went his one arm ,zap went his other one and as the enemy fireball mage was taken out at the same time as his remaining buddy , he looked across at the ablative shield caster remembering the words of his coach "you can kick can't you ?"and he smiled.

#1
The starry night grew starrier, as the oil slick shadow of some lightbending minion slipped over the tick hound rough battlefield like some wayward droplet on a slowly condensing glass of ice tea with a lemon twist, oblivious to the dangers around, moving with the awareness of some circle burrowing mole with a bad limp.

#2
Shhh wait, hehehe, wait, this is soooo great, they can't see me, hahaha, blind as a bat, Mr Magoo, old lady behind the wheel, no wait, wait, heh, it gets better, no wait, I am like invisible, an ugly girl at prom, the nerd at a kegger, a single dollar bill holder at the dive strip club, hehehehe, wait no, shhh you got to hear this is get better, I am going to kill them, LOL, dead as a doornail, pushing up daisy, taking a short trip down the long dirt nap, hahahahaha, man this is so great, shhhh wait here I go, mouse in a cat house, teenager after curfew, four fingered man trying a five finger discount, oh man this is sooooo great.

I'm not a writer, but a writer I shall be; the many ways in which a battle to the death is like unto a flower I shall not describe but I shall tell you of glory unbeknownst before, and unknown since, of treasure ill gotten, and debts unpayed, of the myriad of ways to undo a persons soul and wallet with a simple clicking habit...

My days are split into 4 parts, the blind-hobo-drunk-mornings, the dizzy-upchuck-friendly afternoons, the regaining-consciousness evenings, and finally the lewd, crude, drunken-debauchery nights; you're joining me just in time for coherent speech, Welcome!

So here we were, in the middle of the battle, and the mage says with a smile, There is no smoke without fire, and I says to the mage, yah but all good things must come to an end, then the tank runs up and yells time and tide waits for no man, CHARGE and the mage adds we must fight fire with fire, so I say, lets storm them after all nothing ventured, nothing gained, and the tank says, man proposes and god disposes, which prompts the mage to chime in that a fireball is such a beautiful thing, so I say, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder so the tank says, don't just stand here, you want your cake and eat it too, so I say, oh that is the pot calling the kettle black, then the wall rushes in the fight and the tanks says he is a chip off the old block so I say to the tank, I say, sure the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, you should not put all your eggs into one basket, I mean you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink, which makes the mage so mad he says, well misery loves company, and I say, birds of a feather flock together so about that time the tank gets his head chopped off and the normally stoic wall adds, those who live by the sword, die by the sword.

Entry1)
Gunter lay in his bed, quietly healing to himself, and, being as he was injured and not able to leave his bed, found his thoughts more and more turning to that clan that had wounded him so, and the events of yesterday, and if any of the other things they had said about his mother would also prove to be mostly true.

Entry2)
Ask anyone in the village what they know of the legendary barbarian Voorhan and the first thing they'll relate is one of many stories of the origins of the local sporting event colloquially known as SquirrelBall.

Sefton I hate you , that last one is truly Horrible.Well lets scrape the top of my head. Sweet Willy had a deep secret,a weakness restrained, bound , hidden in a bucket dangling in a lost and forgotten dry well of despair that some one could find out his sorrow , twig on to the fact of his horror towards the icky bits and bloody dripping chunks he scrubbed off and picked out of his ears and the unrestrained weeping as he showered last all alone after every fight

To NCB, or not to NCB, that is the question.

War, what is it good for, absolutely nothing, but he loved the killing, even as it reminded him of that time in the old town with the Nun and the dalmation and the crowd of laughing maniac clowns; but that was another matter, now the focus was on the kill....

Johnnywas balanced the heavy Morgul hammer in his heroic hands and faced The Sutekh, the time travelling, dimension hopping slightly insane mage who turned, lifted a leg and sent out a fiery blast in Johnnywas's direction, which also took out the three front rows of the arena in an sickening oderous fireball.

He gazed upon her, her beautiful low hairy brows, the massively muscled shoulders and arms, the thick barrel chest, the beautiful sausage shaped fingers that grazed the ground gently and those empty eyes, like the windows of a derelict house and he realized that there was no greater love in this world than that of a man for his Wall.

GL sat in the dark holding his aching head as the voices echoed around inside whispering 'overpowered' and 'not overpowered' over and over again and he realized at that moment that he was infact GL AND Johnnywas AND Sefton, yet another case of a schizophrenic multi that needed to be flushed from the game like an oversized stool in the bowl.

"You want another?!?!" GL screamed incessantly over the prostrate form of Johnnywas' broken, beaten black and blue, minions, "Just you get up and heal if you want another!!!", the elation of victory leaving him incapable of breaking the furor that gripped him so tightly, "Oh, that's right, you stay comatose, I know you couldn't take another!!!!", the cries continued unabated and unabashed for the next thirty seconds, until 'The Clash' rose before him, perfectly healed and standing ready for their next titanic clash.

As I stared into that ancient face, I realized suddenly that every man there was also watching this beautiful old woman; the wrinkles gave her such definition, the whitened hair gleamed in the moonlight, and as her fingers quivered with age and arthritis, so did my heart quiver at the sight, and I knew that tonight, I would fight every man in the tavern for the right to call her my own, my darling, my....sugarmomma.

We looked each other in the eye, staring as though we would strike down the air between us, both looking for the perfect moment to charge...I hated him, he hated me, and we would surely end this contest tonight; but then, as he sneezed, I knew my moment had come, and I began to charge with all my might...until suddenly, with a rumbly deep within my tumbly, I knew that forgetting to give Pooh his honeypot would lose me this fight, for I now had...diarrhea.

"Finally!" cried out the FB mage, "we shall have our fight!", and the CoC mage cried out in return, "Oh hush! You'll _burn_ yourself out before the fight even begins!..."; but then the FB mage yelled "Hah! You think you are so tough, but when you play with _fire_ you're going to get _burned_!"....but the CoC mage saw that he was just being taunted, and he returned a _cool_ reply: "Why don't you just _chill_, since you don't stand the chance of an icicle in hell???", at which point the Tank, who could no longer stand by, cried out.."Why must you two simply stand and yell, when all I _axed_ for was a clean fight??"; the three then began laughing at their own puns, joined arms, and gaily skipped down the yellow brick road.

The young boy couldn't believe it, his hero had finally quit the Arena.....as he ran forward, the gladiator turned to him, and answered the boy's question before he could even ask it: "I don't wanna do this anymore, I don't wanna be the reason why, everytime I walk in those doors, people die a little more inside; I don't wanna hurt them anymore, I don't wanna take away their lives, I don't wanna be....a murderer."

The Magic Missile caster, Will, walked out onto the challenge field, just waiting for the announcer to call out his opponent, and hoping for an easy match....as the doors at the other end of the stadium opened, he heard the announcer call out: "This round's match will be the Magic Missile Caster, Will, versus the UC Monk:"; he couldn't believe his luck, a UC monk, truly at a disadvantage to a mage....but then his face fell as he saw his opponent walk through the doors and heard the rest of the announcement..."our special guest of the night, Mr. Norris, Walker Texas Ranger!"

Jonathan had decided to go out and fight himself for once one day, so he went on a journey to his fightlist and decided to check and see who was on it when lo and behold, he was attacked by the Bot Checker....deciding to put up a good fight, Jon first spelled the H-A-S-H thrown at him in the form of hash//made, then eviscerated the B-A-B-Y that was thrown at him in the form of baby//body; having passed Bot Checker's defenses, Jon charged him to impale him with his sowrd, but was suddenly stopped by Spell Checker *gasp!*, who attempted to destroy his sowrd; however, Jon quickly padded his post with many words which were simply created in order to pad the post darn the spell checker it makes me mad so there you have it a padded post to pass the spell checker sorry guys I don't know how to use the nospellcheck tags so here's a padded post (whew!)....having passed the Spell Checker, Jon sliced the Bot Checker in twain, and completed his first battle of the day.

one wacky odd night in the land of jackity wackity snapity jon was fighting these minions from the land of cheesy meaty phily twinky that were trying to kill him and jon was running he used a a magic missile but then he notice that he was already infested with phily twinky poison because he forgot that magic missile hit the person farthest back.

She wondered how it had all come to this,Ursula hadn't minded being a server at the local pub,but the Monkey had offered to sponser her and her sister Bestla in the fight pit so they joined with their mothers, sisters, husbands, aunts, children Raini and Eiji oddly enough their next door neighbors,called them selves "The She Wolves"and started on their new job of destruction and mayhem but sometimes in the wee small hours before dawn she missed her old job at "The Bar Zoo"and the warm hellos everything but the pinches from the one she had called the claw whom they would fight tomorrow ,He He oh yes that one was going to pay...AGAIN!!!!

He was tired, tired like he had been stuck in a tiny room, signing autographed photos of himself for his admiring fans, fans whose very lust for his chiselled features actually scared him, scared him like a something very very scary would,scared him like the realization that he was tired because he had been up late last night, burning one last burn of BA, and he actually had no fans, unless you counted the one droning at the back of computer; bloody hell, he thought it's a lonely existence trying to make the first chapter of his really boring book seem like one sentence, and this was no ordinary sentence this was a life sentence and the crime was poor spelling and over cliched hyperbole and a bad haircut, my god such a bad haircut, one day it was all going to fall out and then what would he do but



*snores*

On Saturday me and my friend went for a walk and we found an army of mages and we fought with them with our swords and our shields and we killed them all because they are big babies and then we rescued the princess from the tower and she gave us both a big kiss and some money and then we flew on a dragon and then we went home for our tea, the end.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, well actually it wasn't that long ago it was last Tuesday (hoo ha) and it wasn't really that far away, it was over the road from your Auntie Milly's friend Bernice, you know the one, the one who had the fling with the Portugese plumber, Alfredo, while her husband was working on the oil rigs remember, oh you do remember she wears those skirts that are barely there and she's fifty if she's a day, with all that fake tan and cheap jewellry, if my George was stupid enought to take up with a woman like that I'd say fine, you're not the man I thought you was,go off with your cheap orange woman and leave me alone with the dogs, and....sorry....where was I, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.......


Star Wars....chapter 57: Revenge Of The Coffee Morning

It was a Tuesday morning, and as the sun rose like bare light bulb in a Mexican police interrogation room, he found himself clicking "c, enter, c, enter" furiously, as if that combination of key strokes could quiet the voices screaming in his head, screaming like a squadron of Stukas dive-bombing a Russian freighter, screaming like a pack of squirrels in a sack with an angry tomcat, screaming the same three words, over and over and over again: "bump the thread."

Jon was planning the next great supporter item but was meeting resistance from his advisors,he didn't want to listen to them and every one knew they drank, sure it was only prune juice and gin still it mounted up and kept them going, it wasn't that he had no doubts of his own still the idea fairly danced in his mind ,it wasn't that it was his best idea still it was one of them, fine that decided it he was going with the Spatula of delayed death !!

Since CB was down for 12ish hours, I'm extending this deadline until noon tomorrow (server time), in case anyone had planned any last - minute entries before noon today. Not that I really expect anyone did, but there you have it... :P

End the. Up woke I then.

Ooops. Rule breaker! That should read:

'End the up woke I then. '


Right, time for the pub! Have a good night!

Bast surveyed the battlefield and sighed, her double D Admantium Brassiere (rumoured in some parts to carry the inscription 42) reduced to barely pg tatters by a single vorpal blade, for she had just learned that Jonathan had finally implemented a duel-wielding skill, and Johnnywas grinned as he approached her with two vorpal blades and a prayer that their effects stacked like his opponent.

Once upon a time there were two young men named Eyoh No and Oddber Duh, and they decided to have a limbo contest; however, Oddber was incredibly flexible, like Gumby, but not quite so green and with a sexier face, quite toned actually, with a five o'clock shadow that stopped just before the neck, since shaving one's neck is an incredible pain in the lower back area, which is often refered to as the gluteus maximus, which sounds kind of like the gladiator Maximus, who had a movie made about him named Gladiator: kind of a generalized name for a movie, but heck, it was better than Snakes on a Plane, I mean come on, Snakes on a Plane....the word 'imagination' will just be a bitter memory at this rate; and since Oddber was so flexy, Eyoh knew he could not win, so he attempted to step over...however, Oddber saw what he was doing, and just as Eyoh was crossing over the bar, Oddber slung it upwards and nailed him, thus delivering judgement to all his children, whom, if Oddber had not judged, would have killed Odd's great-grandson in the future due to a local feud over the mayor's beautiful daughter!

Phil was lost in the maze...he couldn't believe how lost he was; every time he turned left, he saw only two passages, forward and right...when he went forward, he came to a passage pointing left, and when he turned left, he saw only two passages, forward and right....when he went right, he came to a passage pointing right, and when he went right, he came to a passage pointing right, and when he went right, he came to a passage pointing right, and when he went right, he came to a passage pointing right, and when he went right, he came to a passage pointing right, and when he went right, he came to a passage pointing right, but then he realized..."Gee, the ceiling is made of glass! Now if only I could figure out a way out.." and so he continued going right until he dehydrated, at which point he started licking the glass, and got little glass splinters in his tongue, and they hurt like mad, so he screamed and the glass shattered at the high-pitched noise, and little bits fell on him and poked out his eyes, so he couldn't see that the way out was directly above him...."poor Phil", the Reverend continued at the funeral, " he died blind and thirsty."

Mister Thrakattack that is far to good to win.I should be able to do worse, what with my complete lack of talent.So hear goes.........Bitter he toiled mending his teams gear,new guy,they said sharpen my sword,polish my shield,wash my under things,wash my under THINGS,why the morons they used him like a lackey,sure when they asked him to join, the glad hands were many,the ale flowed like water after the families yearly bath, thick and strangely potent,rendolent with the time past,time well spent,time as only ten children can spend time,but that time was past for he needed to send money home for his brothers apprenticeship to the baker,that should have been his job ,oh if only he hadn't shown a talent for magic!

Deadline far past and no word of the contest results... we can only surmise that the judges of the contest died from internal hemorrhaging brought about from reading the contest entries. They shall be missed.

if this is allowed still then here goes

a fb mage walks up to a bar and says, "life is rough every time i get someone good my cursed enchanter and his familiar dies", a nearby CoC mage says, "ha at least you do damage before people get near you" the mm mage muttered under his breath "at least you do damage"

Okay, just got to say, that last one was wayyyy too funny to be bad lol. Just had to say something rofl

Judging to narrow entries down to a top 5 or 6 is currently under way.

Patience, younglings, some time these things take...

:)

Please mister monkey tell me at least one of mine stank really bad!

Eh, I rather figured that was the case. But it's not nearly as exciting or amusing as imagining Barzoo and any other judges, lying dead at their keyboards, with painfully horrible prose sitting there on the screen. The coroner comes in, examines the scene, reads the text on the screen, and promptly dies. The government gets word, and uses the contest entries against Iraqi insurgents.

[Yes, this is a blatant Monty Python reference, for those who recognize it. Yes, you should watch more Flying Circus, for those who do not recognize it.]

um i thought the u.s. was against weapons of mass killings

Vector... I despise you :)

Good luck contestants.

You couldn't spell destruction could you.

More important people than myself are waiting with breath that is baited for the results of this fantabulous competition.

The Angles Of Deaf circle below us

How Do you Bait breath ? Worms ,cut bait or maybe something exotic??

You eat fried worms....

http://www.carnageblender.com/bboard/q-and-a-fetch-msg.tcl?msg_id=001iky

i can too spell destruction its just that i was using the appropriate phrase

Really? Oh well I eat fried worms what do I know.

Okay, I finally heard from the last judge (sort of - "After 1 week, CB is no longer attempting to deliver your mail to ...")

I have culled the results into a top 6, which G_Beee will convert into a poll for your voting pleasure:

Angelus Of Death, August 1 2006 6:39 PM EDT
She was an attractive bottle blonde...

BMWheatIey, August 1 2006 11:51 PM EDT
1T W4S 4 D4RK 4|\|D 570RMY |\| |GHT ...

Sefton, August 2 2006 5:11 PM EDT
So here we were, in the middle of the battle, and the mage says with a smile...

Stephen, August 1 2006 9:13 PM EDT
Ranger pushed back his chair like a bouncer pushing away drunks...

Johnnywas(Angle Of Deaf), August 8 2006 4:44 AM EDT
He was tired, tired like he had been stuck in a tiny room ...

Slashundhack, August 13 2006 1:14 AM EDT
Bitter he toiled mending his teams gear...

Judge's Choice is entirely mine, and I will announce it with the rest of the winners, when the results are in. Thanks everybody, and good luck!

Well, voting is complete, and here are your winners:

1st place went to:

BMWheatIey, August 1 2006 11:51 PM EDT
1T W4S 4 D4RK 4|\|D 570RMY |\| |GHT ...

2nd place went to:

Stephen, August 1 2006 9:13 PM EDT
Ranger pushed back his chair like a bouncer pushing away drunks...

I'm confident that G_Beee will deliver prizes as soon as he sees this.

3rd place goes to:

Angelus Of Death, August 1 2006 6:39 PM EDT
She was an attractive bottle blonde...

BarzooMonkey of Death (Penultimate Days) 69.161.87.38 Angelus Of Death (Earl Of Happy) $250000 -- 3rd Place! 11:02 PM EDT

And Judge's Choice also went to Angelus of Death, for

Bast surveyed the battlefield and sighed, her double D Admantium Brassiere (rumoured in some parts to carry the inscription 42) reduced to barely pg tatters by a single vorpal blade, for she had just learned that Jonathan had finally implemented a duel-wielding skill, and Johnnywas grinned as he approached her with two vorpal blades and a prayer that their effects stacked like his opponent.

It made me laugh. I can close my eyes and picture it, in black and white, with dramatic film noir lighting... :P

BarzooMonkey of Death (Penultimate Days) 69.161.87.38 Angelus Of Death (Earl Of Happy) Double D Admantium Brassiere ($20181) -- Judge's Choice11:03 PM EDT

Thank you contestants, thank you judges, thank you voters, and an extra big special round of applause to Admin Extraordinaire G_Beee!!!

It was a night like any other, tippity tap at the key board, when suddenly, The Pope has joined the room, of all the carnage blenders, and all the chat rooms he had to come logging into mine.

i know it's done I just wanted to do one....