Somebody tell me a story... (in Contests)

QBBarzooMonkey September 14 2006 5:18 PM EDT

I'm bored, and Dice Wars isn't doing it for me anymore :P

Somebody tell me a story. It doesn't matter what it's about, or how long or short it is, as long as it's PG and not intentionally malicious.

250k each to the best funny story, and the best dramatic (not funny) story, and I will be the sole judge, and you have only 24 hours to enter (5:15PM server time tomorrow).

Bonus: Some RL stuff has had me really down lately, so if the winning funny story actually makes me laugh out loud, I'll double the funny prize to 500k.

Game on!

deifeln September 14 2006 5:32 PM EDT

Sweat-Stain-Dating Technology Unlocks Age Of Assistant Managers
September 13, 2006 | Issue 42•37

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Business archaeologists from the Northern Illinois College Of Applied Business Sciences have developed a sodium-dating technique they said will more accurately determine the age of the world's assistant managers. "A wavelength of light emitted by a special halogen desk lamp, when applied to the concentric yellowish rings on the underarms, collars, and loosened neckties of middle management, allows their age to be calculated to within seven years," said Professor Frank Winters, who admitted to testing the experimental procedure on himself. "The process is safe, reliable, and vital to our understanding of exactly how long this strange race has existed beside humans." Winters is working on predictive applications of the new technology that may be able to predict how long these evolutionary dead ends will survive in their current business environment.

Vaynard [Fees Dirt Cheap] September 14 2006 6:29 PM EDT

Okay, not sure where I heard it, but here's one I chuckle at from time to time:

There is an eight year old boy and he is the family's oldest child. One day, he runs outside to find his dad. He sees his dad in the garage and runs up to him and asks, "Dad, what's sex?" The dad is quite shocked by this, gives it a bit of thought, and finally decides that if he's old enough to ask the question, his son must be ready to know. The dad goes and starts explaining everything to his son, from the birds and the bees to more vivid examples. The son listens intently, but as the dad continues on and on the son's face becomes more and more shocked and confused. Finally the father finishes, notices the expression on his son's face, and asks him why he wanted to know. His son says, "Mommy said dinner would be ready in a few secs."

Brakke Bres [Ow man] September 14 2006 6:43 PM EDT

A bit old but funny
Computer Problems
The following is actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
CS: "What sort of trouble?"
C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
CS: "Went away?"
C: "They disappeared."
CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
C: "Nothing."
CS: "Nothing?"
C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
C: "How do I tell?"
CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
C: "What's a sea-prompt?"
CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
C: "What's a monitor?"
CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
C: "I don't know."
CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
C: "Yes, I think so."
CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
C: ".......Yes, it is."
CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
C: "No."
CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
C: ".......Okay, here it is."
CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
C: "I can't reach."
CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
C: "No."
CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
CS: "Dark?"
C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."
C: "I can't."
CS: "No? Why not?"
C: "Because there's a power outage."
CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
C: "Really? Is it that bad?"
CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

QBJohnnywas September 14 2006 6:49 PM EDT

I've got a lodger living in the other half of my head. At first I thought it was a good thing, after I had gotten over the shock of my (our) mouth telling me to shut up when I was talking to myself one day. But the novelty of never being alone wears off very quickly.

And he doesn't like curry, which makes eating my favourite meals very difficult. He drinks coffee and I drink tea. He doesn't smoke and I'm trying to give up. He used to smoke, and as everyone knows, there is nothing worse than a reformed smoker. But I don't like to be told it's a filthy habit by myself.

He doesn't like my music. So I have to listen through headphones. One headphone to be precise while he watches television. So I can never listen to anything in stereo again.

And I think he's having an affair with my wife. I caught her looking at him when she kissed me last night.....

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] September 14 2006 6:58 PM EDT

Here's a true story of mine. My most embarrassing moment. I can share it with you now, as I can laugh about it, instead of cringe...

My friends and I used to go to a local nightclub when we were younger, and single. Such was our prowess we would go the the 80's night on Wednesdays and the dance nights on Fridays and Saturdays. We all worked at the time, and lived at home.

We were regulars and quite known in the club.

It was a room on the top floor of a shopping centre, so not really too big. As always, my story is about a woman.

Over the time there, I had taken quite a shine to a barmaid at the club. Firstly a word of advice. Never try to pull barmaids. They get hit on all night, and by the time you speak to them, you're most probably sloshed.

But back to my night.

I don't remember it.

I'd planned that night to really try to get to know this woman, and probably ask her out if I plucked up the courage. We'd bought some beers from an offie to drink beforehand, dutch courage goes a long way.

When last seen in the club, I had two beers, one in each hand, with a large mouthful drunk from both. I have no idea why I had two beers. In the time it took my mates to do a circuit of the club, being a small place this probably took no longer than 10-15 minutes, the next time they get round to my wallflower position I had two full pints.

I was next found outside the club, at the end of the evening, lying in a gutter, crying and proclaiming to all the laughing revelers present "It's hurts!". What hurt, I've no idea. My pride, my left side or my heart. One or all three.

One of my mates took it upon himself to get me home. He had to physically pick me up infront of everyone else and carry me to the local cab office. I was in no fit state to walk.

I had managed to get some movement back by the time we got there, and promptly wandered off to relieve myself while he ordered the cab. The cab was already there, and when I was called back, I turn round to stagger to the cab, without zipping myself back up, exposed for the waiting clubbers to see.

Understandibly the cabbie was hesitant to let me in. But money greased his palm, and I was driven home.

As far as we usually went, which was a local kebab shop. My friend got me out of the cab (I fall asleep easily in cars, and more easily when drunk), and I cracked my knee on the pavement doing so. He left me propped against the wall of a local property, while he popped intothe kebab shop to get me a drink.

I threw up in my lap while he was across the road.

I threw up twice more while being carried back home, where he used my keys to let me in, and left me in my halway.

I woke up the next morning in bed, with absolutly no recolection of what had happened. Only the nasty stale vomit taste in my mouth, and my swollen knee to back up the story I was later told when my freind called me that morning.

I didn't go back to the club for at least six months, and saw the barmaid only once more after that night, while she was at the club, in the arms of another man.

But I can laugh about it now.

AdminQBnovice [Cult of the Valaraukar] September 14 2006 8:06 PM EDT

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you", I said as we walked towards the front door. "Dreams often tell us important things about ourselves" was all she said before vanishing behind a black tinted monolith of a door. I stared at the stupid look on my face for at least a minute before I waved my card at the reader on the door jamb. The front desk was still empty, only a few bent paper clips giving testament to life having been lived here once. I followed what I assumed to be Sams path upstairs, past empty offices and recently stripped board rooms. The leasing agent's face turned purple the day he saw everything gone, contorting as if to say "I give up". The valley had won yet another battle verses human dignity and honesty. Personally I wondered why they stopped with the projectors and aeron chairs, and didn't start tearing the copper out of the walls like real tweakers, instead of the caffine and sugar variety.

I found Sam in her office, smashing a $4000 abstract atomic clock the CFO had bought her just last month, as a reward for helping smooth over the "inconsistancies" that kept cropping up in quarterly reports. She paused, flung the now twisted collection of levers gears and shiny bits over her shoulder on to the top of a desk that was once the envy of nearly everyone in the company. Eight feet wide, five feet deep, with a cleanly shaped divet right in the center, so you could actually reach across it and slap the idiot trying to sell you on a company wide retreat focused on business ethics.

Dreams...I think sam was spending her nights dreaming of kicking in the sternum of the entire upper management group. It was her blood sweat and tears that brought them the position we all held; Fastest Growing VC Group for siz years running. It was unheard of in our industry, a new group breaking down mile high years old barriers that seemingly no one wanted torn down. We stole customers left and right, all the way from a two person startup, to huge new expansions for the largest names in american industry. We had it all, the contacts in government, the law enforcement assitance to gather intelligence. We had a whole wing dedicated to the surveillance of our investments, our competitors, and anyone else someone in managment was dating (or thinking of dating). The wing was refered to jokingly as "our older brother's room". At the time we were shutdown, there were no less than 300,000 cameras feeding into the OBR, with another million or so that were waiting for a relay to be installed near enough to the base camera so that it's signal could join it's siblings in tattling all the best secrets.

None of this kept us from losing it all, you'd think we'd have realized the microwave cameras might just work both ways. The feds had our whole operation tapped, and they loved us as long as they could before swooping in on a bland tuesday morning to yell "Suprise, you're on candid camera!". The imaging software was the first thing taken, along with the big iron it ran on. They didn't care about anything else, it was in fact the only component that mattered, we'd gotten everything we had because simple dumb luck.

When we originally financed Mr. Adams' small basement company, we'd simply seen a trend towards facial recognition software growing, and his
software was a bargin. There was no way we could lose, his existing contracts would pay us back, and the likelyhood was that we could sell the patents he gave us as an interest payment for a few hundred million. He was dead before he ever compiled a single line of real code, we had a plain english walk through of the software, but there was essentially nothing we could use. Sam was the only reason Richard Adams older brother ever opened it's eyes.

The day OB opened it's eyes, I finally learned to be afraid of technology.
It didn't do simple facial recognition, it had full blow image recognition, it understood what was going on in the images it recieved. It knew "wrong" and "right", and "lawful" and "unlawful", it saw fear, and hate, and terror, just as clearly as you or I, more clearly in fact. Sam was different after OB came online, pensive. It took the spooks 10 months to understand how we were doing what we were doing, 10 whole months of being omnipotent deities. I myself was only drunk off the fumes, I can't imagine what it was like to be the one watching in the master room, to be hearing the short list of things that OB actually thought might interest you, the really good stuff.
I followed my orders, which became increasingly odd, as they stopped caring what people thought, and began simply running amok with power.


{CB1}Lukeyman September 14 2006 8:27 PM EDT

**Haha, How's this one Barzoo?? I DARE you to read it all :p It's not done, and I think im going to finish it for an English Story for school, I dunno we'll all have to see.**

The year is 1868, the Battle of Alatar is upon the lands of Ecthelion. There is a man, some say he is a sadistic man, others say he is a superior being, but all that is known of him for sure, is that he wants the people of Durin to lose the war, and perish, by stealing their weapons and armor. Only one man will be able to stand in the way of this super power. Only one man will be able to re-unite the forces of Ecthelion. Only one man... will be able to make a mean bowl of chili.

Chapter 1
There were three things the shaggy haired boy knew. War, Love, and Hope. You see, This young man lived in a time of war, when people didn't just live on farms and had a good time living life, they fought, hundreds of battles each and everyday, to show that they were number one.

One day, while our hero, Red, was inside making chili for him and his father, he heard some gun shots outside the door. He stopped the soup and ran out, and just as he got out, he saw his father, Blue, lying on the ground with a blood stained shirt on. "", his father whispered, "I want you to take my gun, and my horse, and stop Jonathan, he..*Cough*.. he is stealing all the weapons of the people, *Cough*.. so that we will lose the Battle of Alatar.", Red vowed on his father that he would get revenge on Jonathan and his evil minions.

Red set off, on his fathers horse, Seran, and began riding off into the horizon, with no knowledge about what adventures, foes and friends alike he was soon to encounter.

Chapter 2
As our faithful hero, Red, soon discovered, it wasn't easy surviving out on your own. He was thirsty and hungry after his first day of travelling, his horse, Seran, was tired, and wouldn't go any further. Red saw a little village over the hill, and decided it would be best to stop there for a little and have a rest.

He went into the village, and found no one out on the streets, it was a bring and beautiful morning, why wouldn't anyone be out on such a fine day such as this? thought Red. He got off his horse, and cautiously walked around by each house, looking for any sign of life. He thought he heard something inside a barrel across the road. Weapon drawn, and crouching down, he crept over the the barrel, and pushed off the top, and a man jumped out and startled him. "Hey, watch it!", said the strang man. "Who are you?", asked Red, "And what are you doing in a barrel?" The man said that his name was Dark, and he was in the barrel because he was hiding. "Hiding from what?", asked Red. "From the Memonites", replied Dark. "Who are they?", "They are the most ruthless killers in the world, they are mercenaries, killing for money. They are led by a powerful killer, Mem, he has a pet dragon that can kill a man with a bite.", "Wow, sounds really bad, where are they at?", "They never stay in one place, they are always on the move, looking for more people to kill, they wipped out everyone in this town, and Mem's Dragon, IA, ate all the bodies, that what it does, devours all the bodies the Memonites kill.", "Thats just disgusting." said Red. "Well, I'm going to keep travelling, I'm going to stop Jonathan, and end this War.", "Could I come with you?", asked Dark. "Can you weild a sword?", "No, I'm an archer, I have my bow and arrows in the barrel." He looked in the barrel for a second, and took out his bow and arrows, and off Red and Dark went, to unknown enimies.

Chapter 3
Our relentless hero, Red, and his new found friend, Dark, travel along the root filled trail in The Woods of Klinik. They were walking for quite a long time, until Dark piped up and said, "I'm hungry, can we try to find something to eat?", "Yeah sure, there should be some animals around these parts.", Red replied. "Hey, whats that over there?", asked Dark as he pointed over to a moving bushlike thing. "Don't know, lets see if we can catch it!". Red and Dark slowly moved over, hiding behind trees and boulders, they got close to the creature and drew their weapons. The creature turned around and faced them, Red began to put his sword back as he saw the cute little face of the ceature, and just as he was about to say, it's ok, to Dark, he fired an arrow at the creature, and the creature, with surprising quickness, dodged the arrow, and lunged at Red's neck. Dark jumped in frightfullness and said, "Watch out Re....", but before he could finish, the creatures head was already hitting the ground, blood dripping off Red's sword, he said that it was ok, and that they should keep on moving, things weren't as they seemed in this forest.

As they continued their quest in the forest, they came upon a girl, sitting alone in the woods. Red rushed over to ask her if she needed any help. As he turned her over, he saw that she had no face, and she felt really dry. All of a sudden, Red felt a sharp pain in his arm and Dark jumped up as he heard the gun shot. They heard a loud buff voice that said, "Hold your fire!", and Red, trying to fight the pain, lay on his back, shocked by the sudden pain. The man came over, and Red, with his eyes beginning to close, saw Dark's face, and another man beside him.

Chapter 4
Red began gaining conciousness and he slowly opened up his eyes and saw a pair of crystal blue eyes gazing into his. He jumped back in surprise and fell off of the table onto the cold hard floor. He got up and took in his surroundings, he seemed to be in a room, with a candle and a women was standing over the table from which he fell off of.

"Hello, how are you feeling?", asked the strange women.

"Ok, I guess", replied Red, as he was getting up off the floor. "Where am I?"

"You are at the Kingdom of Elmoth, ruled by my father, Th00p. I am Desy, the princess of Elmoth."

"Wait, where is my friend, Dark?"

"Don't worry, he is down in the kitchens, eating all of the food he can find, Rufen is down there now, trying to contain him."

"Well, thank you so much Desy, for you kindness and hospitality, but I must be on my way, I am trying to stop Jonathan, and this war we are all in."

"That is very noble of you, but please, stay for a little longer, I wish to be in your presence a little longer. Come, let us go to the kitchens to join your friend to something to eat, you must be famished."

As they got down to the kitchens, they heard pots and pans clanging around, and Dark came running out of the room, with Rufen in his wake, flailing a pot at Dark and yelling to get out of his kitchen.

"Red, your awake finally, come and try some of the food here, it's amazing!", said Dark.

"Rufen, that's enough. Could you make some Eggs and Bacon for our guests here?", asked Desy.

"Chure ting m'lady.", said Rufen, and he turned and into the kitchen he went.

Red, Desy, and Dark went over to the tables and sat down to talk while their food was being made. They began small chat, and then a big man, someone who looked familiar to Red, came and sat down beside him,and slapped him on the back.

"Feeling better I see, eh young one?", said the man.

"Oh, this is Sir Leon, the man who brought you here.", said Desy, "He is my fathers best fighter."

"Yes, sorry about the bullet, you were in our firing range, and one of my shooters, Edyit, thought you were the dummy, and took a shot. Good thing he's not that good eh? Haha."

"Yeah.", replied Red, "Good thing. By the way, who was that girl lying in the woods?"

"A girl.... Oh, you mean the dummy, yes, that was one of our dummies you must have seen."

Rufen then entered with a big plate of Eggs and Canadian Bacon. Red and Dark started drooling at the sight of it, and as they began to eat, they were jolted up and out of their hypnotized hunger, as a horn began sounding.

"Up, lets go princess to your chambers, you two, come along! Now!", boomed Sir Leon as he pulled them out of their seats.

"Whats happening?", asked Dark.

"That horn means someones in the kingdom thats not supposed to be in here."

As they got to the princess' chamber, Sir Leon put them in there, checked the room, and closed the door and ran off.

Red saw his sword in the corner of the room and went over and grabbed it.

"I'm going out to help them, Dark, you stay here and look after the princess."

"Ok", said Desy, "But be careful, I don't want you to get hurt."

"I won't.", replied Red, and out he went.

Red went down the long hallway, and found Sir Leon.

"I'm helping you find this thing.", He said to Sir Leon.

"Ok, stay close with me, I don't want you getting hur...", said Sir Leon, but he droned off and fell to the ground.

Red looked down at him and saw a dart in the side of his neck. He heard laughing and looked down the hall and saw a man leaning against the wall, laughing at what he had done.

"Who are you?", asked Red.

"I am Scytale, part of the Memonites."

"What did you do to him?", asked Red, while looking around for help.

"Oh him? I just knocked him out for a few hours, hahaha, who are you?"

"I am Red, Son of Blue, and you and all your Memonites are going to fall under my sword."

"Hahaha, is that so young man, well, lets see how good you are then."

He took out a Tulwar, and got ready to fight. Red took out his Katana and got in his fighting stance. Scytale started running towards Red, and Red began to run at his opponent, and their swords clashed in the middle, they began dualing, swords flying at eachother.

Red tripped on a stone, and slipped for a second, and Scytale, seeing his chance, went in close to Red to get a good stab in. Red, regaining his balance quickly saw scytale coming in close, and saw his chance. He side-stepped quickl and dodged the stab, and with that Scytale exposed his shoulder to Red's sword, and Red, with all his might, thrust his mighty weapon, deep into the flesh of Scytales shoulder.
Scytale stood still for a moment, shocked by this sudden blow, and then his eye's glazed over, and he slowly fell to the ground.

Chapter 5
Jonathan slapped Shade's face and sent him sprawling to the ground.
"I told you to take care of the kid too!", yelled Jonathan, "Now he is planning on coming to kill me!"
"B..b..but sir... he will stand no match for your great powers. Why must we kill him?", asked Shade.
"We must kill him because I said so!", boomed Jonathan, and as he spoke, the earth itself seemed to quiver at his mighty voice.
"Ok, but how do you propose I kill him sir?"
"I don't care how you kill him, just make sure you do it this time, and do it right!"
"Y..yes sir."
And with that, Shade went off to find the young man, Red, and kill him. But how...?

Red walked over to Sir Leon, who was still lying unconcious on the floor, and he took him by the arm, and carried him back down to the princess' chamber, where he found Desy and Dark, sitting down on the bed. Just as he entered, Desy got up and ran over to him and hugged him.
"Are you alright?", she asked, and let out a gasp as she saw Sir Leon. "Oh my goodness, what happened?"
"He'll be alright, he's just been drugged, but he'll be good in an hour or two. Are you alright?"
"Yes, yes, i'm fine. Come, let's go and see my father, he is probably looking for me."

Red put Sir Leon down on the bed and he, Desy, and Dark went off to see King Th00p. As they walked through the giant kingdom, Red was thinking about what he had ahead of him, Jonathan, Mem and his Memonites, he seemed to be getting more enemies then allies, and it was starting to frighten him. He was once a little boy, living with his father, taking life day by day, now, as he looks at his reflection in the fountain, he wonders how he ever became what he has become.
"Out with you!", cried the king, "How could a slimy Memonite get into my kingdom!"
Red saw a man stumble out of the room, and ran off mumbling to himself. They entered the Kings room and saw Th00p sitting back in his throne, and ordering people left and right to fix the security in his kingdom. He turned and saw his daughter and his face brightened up.
"Ahh, my beautiful princess, you are alright.", he said, "And who are these two young men? And where is Sir Leon?"
"Well daddy, this is Red, and Dark, Red just killed the Memonite that was in the kingdom."
"Ahh, very well done my boy, we could use a strapping young lad like yourself around here."
"Thank you sire, and your warrior, Sir Leon, got knocked out by that Memonite, he is currently in the princess chamber, he will be ok in an hour or so."
"Good good, come, let us feast, you must be starving after fighting that disgusting worm."
"Thank you."

Chapter 6
Mem stared out across his vast lands, the sun glinting off his black worn armor, watching his Memonites tare down houses and slaughter people to the ground. He walked though the blood filled streets of Hyrule Castle. Mem's brother, Mikel, walked over to him.
"Brother, we have captured the king, and slayed his servants, our men are now taking the gold from the coffers."
"Good Mikel, now, let us get away from these massacred streets and back to our home land."
Mem and his Memonites travelled back across the lands to his home land of Thuringwethil, while his pet dragon began devouring the rotting bodies in the castle.

Red and Dark sat at the table with Sir Leon, Th00p and Desy, and ate a wonderfully cooked meal. Steam was pouring off of the duck they ate, and the pie for dessert was seemingly prepared by culinary angels from heaven, with golden brown crust and suculant fillings. It was all so good, Red found it hard to leave behind.
"Your majesty, I am sorry, but myself and my friend Dark should be leaving your beautiful kingdom soon, we have a quest to finish, and cannot stay here for much longer.", said Red.
"Oh, well, that's too bad, I was hopeing you would stay for a little longer, but oh well, let me give you some provisions for your travelles.", replied King Th00p.
"Come you two, you can get ready to leave in my room, lets go.", said the princess.
So Red, Dark and Desy went off to her chambers to get ready to leave, while Rufen the cook prepared some meals for them to take with them.

When they got to her room, Sir Leon was gone to his chambers to have a little rest, and princess desy jumped on her bed and layed down. She told Dark he can go into the side room on her left and he can get washed up.
"I don't want you to leave Red.", said Desy.
"I know, but I must, I have to avenge my fathers death, and help all the people of Ecthelion through this war.", said Red.
"Take me with you, please, I can't stop thinking about you since I layed eyes upon your face, please, please take me with you on your journey."
"I couldn't risk you getting hurt, there are a lot of bad people out there, and they could get you, plus, your father would never allow that sort of thing."
"I can defend myself! Watch!" &nbspSo Red watched Desy sit on her bed, and she closed her eyes for a second.
"What is she doing?", Red thought to himself. And all of a sudden, a burst of flame came from her hands, and shot across the room.
"Wow! What was that?", ask Red with amazment.
"It's a fireball, my grandma taught it to me, it's an attack anchient warriors used to use."
"Well.... Ok, you can come along, but stay close to me, I do not want you getting hurt."
"Ok! I will get my stuff so we can leave, we will have to go down through my window, my dad would never allow me to go."
"Alright, but this is risky."
Dark came back, and Desy opened her window, and down the three friends climbed, off on their adventure together.

Jonathan took Bartjan by the throat and pushed him up agaisnt the wall.
"You mean to tell me, my slaves are planning on rebelling agaisnt me! How could you let this happen?!", said Jon.
"Yes oh mighty Jon, they say they do not like the way they are being treated."
"Why? I give them everything they need, work in the forges, buisnesses, their own public paper in which to sell and ask to buy things! What could they not like?!?"
"They do not like the way some of the higher ranked servants of yours are working in the public places, they say that you are being mean with all of your rules also.", cried Bartjan.
Jonathan threw Bartjan to the ground, with his other minion G_Beee lookin on. "Fine, they don't like it? Put a tax onto the public newspaper, tell them that everyone will have to pay double.. no wait, triple the normal ammount to sell something, muwhahaha, that otta show them.", demanded Jonathan, and with that, he stormed off into his lair.
Little did Jonathan know, there was a conspiracy in his own kingdom.

Chapter 7
Red, Dark and Desy set off on their journey towards Jonathan, they came up to a dark tunnel which went through a big mountain.
"Lets just go around.", said Dark
"No way!", replied Red, "We need to go through here to get to Jonathan quicker, it's just a little tunnel."
"Yeah, but it takes us out to Memonites Forest's.", said Dark.
"He's right Red, maybe we should go around?", questioned Desy.
"No, we should go through, if we don't we risk losing too much time and energy.", demanded Red.
So off the trio went, into the tunnel.

As they got a little ways into it, Red stopped them.
"Wait, I think I heard something."
"What is it?", whispered Dark.
A figure was coming towards them, and Red got into his fighting stance and said.
"Who are you?"
"It is Sir Leon, is that you Red?"
"Yes.", said Red as he sheathed his Katana.
"Sir Leon! Why have you followed us?", asked Desy.
"Sorry m'lady, I wish you accompany you, I do not want you to get harmed."
"Alright, come on you guys, lets keep moving, it's really dark in here." said Dark.

Once they were out of the tunnel, they sat down to eat some lunch by a river. Red took out his rucksack with the food in it, and they each had a hearty bowl of chilli.
"So where do we go now Red?", asked Dark, "Are you sure you want to go through the forest, The Memonites might find us!"
"Yes, we need to, no matter what the danger, I must find Jon and stop him!"
"Well, alright, lets do it Red, me and you!", said Dark.
"Wait! Don't forget about me and Sir Leon!" Desy announced.
"Alright alright!", said Red, "Let's just get going before it get's too dark.
Off they went, into The Memonites Forest. Not knowing what dangers were in store for them.

Red, Desy, Sir Leon and Dark were walking in the woods, when everything seemed to be going fine.
"It's really dark in here. Red.. I'm getting scared.", said Desy.
"It's ok Desy, just stay by me, i'll protect you.", replied Red.
"No princess, you should stay by me, I shall keep you safe.", said Sir Leon.
"It's ok you two, I can take care of myself. Hey Dark, you doing ok?", asked Desy. "Dark?... Dark?"
"Dark!?", called out Red.
"Uh oh, where is he?", asked Sir Leon.
"Daaaark?!?", cried out Red.

Mem was above the trees, scoping out the forest for some animal to eat as he stumbled upon some people walking through his forest.
"Well well well, what have we here?", Mem thought to himself.
He looked down and saw four people walking, and he got very angry that they were walking in his forest. He slowly followed behind them, and when the one at the back slowed down a pace, he jumped down, and snatched him up without a sound.
"Shhhhh", whispered Mem with a Dirk to his victims throat, "Not a sound unless you want another air hole."
"Who are you, and what are you doing in my woods?", asked Mem.
"I..I..I'm D..D...Dark, and me and my friends ar...are going to stop Jonathan from hurting the p..p.people of Ecthelion."
"Is that so, who are your friends?"
"Red, son of Blue, Desy, princess of Elmoth, and Sir Leon, the princess' protector."
"Ahhh, yes, I have heard of this, Red, one. There is quite a bounty on his head."
"I...I.....Is that so?"
"Yes, and I'm going to get him."
"Ha!", said Dark, "Good luck, Red's the best fighter ev--"
Before Dark could finish his sentence, Mem's dirk was through his throat and he was dead before he hit the forest floor, and Mem was off to find Red.

Red, Desy and Sir Leon were getting scared, Dark was gone, and they were lost in the woods. Red was trying to lead them, and keep up their hopes, but he himself was losing hope. Just then, A black figure jumped down from the tree tops and landed in front of them.
"So you are Red, eh?" said the figure.
"Yes, who are you?", asked Red as he unsheathed his Katana.
"Huh, Mem's the name, a wimpy little sword eh? Lets see if you can fight with it."
Mem took out his Black, blood stained Club, with dragon teeth coming out of it and prepared for a fight.
"Heh, nice club.", remarked Red, thinking that this was going to be easy, that club will slow him down so much.
But, do Red's horror, Mem jumped up, swinging the club like it was wind around his body, and stopped it right at Red's eye's.
"You ready punk?", asked Mem.
Red felt a little trickle down his leg, and decided it was now or never. He took a swing at Mem's stomach, but, to his dismay, Mem swung around too fast for him to follow, and before he knew it, there was a powerful blow to his right arm, and he felt something shatter. He dropped his Katana and fell to the ground. Mem took out his Dirk and held it to Red's throat.
"Too easy.", he said with a smirk.
Sir Leon dived at Mem to try and stop him, but before he even made contact with Mem, he had a dagger in his stomach, and began coughing up blood. He turned around and looked at the princess.
"Sorry... M'Lady.....", and Sir Leon exhaled his last breath.
Desy sit there shivering with fear, Mem held the blood drenched dirk in Red's face again, but before he could finish him off, an arrow flew through the air, and caught Mem in the arm. Mem, surprised and injured, took off in a flash to regain his composer.

Red felt the throbbing pain, and was on the vurge of passing out, when he saw someone come over him, and put their hand on his chest and he heard some muttered words, and as if by magic, he began feeling better.
"Who are you?", he asked the strange being.
"I am called, Pixel."

Chapter 8
Pixel pulled Red onto his feet, and walked over to a rock sitting on the ground and took a seat. He pulled out a water skin and had a drink.
"Here." He said as he tossed the skin over to Red.
"Thanks... Gross, what is this stuff?"
"It's called Columbian Juice; it revives you if you're really tired and weak."
Pixel walked over to Desy and asked her if she was ok.
"I think so." Said Desy.
"Here, let me check." Replied Pixel as he placed his hands on Desy's shoulders and closed his eyes.
"Oh!" Cried out Desy.
Red jumped in between then and unsheathed his Katana and pointed it at Pixels throat.
"Relax Red" Said Desy, "I liked it."
Red turned around and gave her a look, and turned away to speak with Pixel about what they were going to do next.
"So who are you anyway?" asked Red.
"My name is Pixel; I am an Enchanter from the fields of Jigorokano. Jonathan has destroyed my lands and killed all of my people, I am the only survivor I know of, and I fled to try to defeat Jonathan and his army."
"Alright well, thank you for saving us there. Will you join us to go and fight Jonathan?"
"Of course I will, let us get out of this forest first, come, follow me; I know a safe way out."
Red and Desy followed behind Pixel as he led them through the forest, and before long, they were out into what would usually be the crisp, clean air of Hyrule Castle, but instead smelled putrid of blood and rotting corpses.
"Oh..My..Goddness!" cried out Desy as she fell to the ground, the smell too strong for her.
Pixel mumbled a few words and a bubble formed around them.
"There we go; this will keep the smell out."
They walked down to the city, Red walking close with Desy because she did not wish to see the lifeless bodies on the blood stained streets. As they were walking, Red held up his hand in a motion to stop, and to get down. The three crouched down and Red took out his sword and began walking over to an overturned dumpster. He got closer and peered inside and what he saw frightened him, he turned away in an instant and fell to the ground.

King Th00p was looking around his kingdom desperately for his daughter, Desy.
"It was those two boys, I know it!" he proclaimed, "And where is Sir Leon!"
A boy then came running up to him.
"Sire, one of the cavalry men spotted the two boys and the princess entering the Forest of Memonites."
"What?!? Are you certain?"
"Yes your highness. I am sor-"
"No time for crying, we must assemble a troop to go and get my daughter.
A young man came running at the sound of the king's voice.
"Yes milord?"
"Gather your men; we ride to the Forest of Memonites to get my daughter back!"
"As you wish."
Th00p, Megaman and 3 other riders rode towards the Forest of Memonites. They got into it, and began trotting on their horses. Th00p couldn't help but feeling paranoid in such a dangerous place.
"Stay together men." Whispered Th00p.
"Alright, Pit?" said Megaman.
"Ai Sir."
"Here Capt'n."
"Davis!? Where are you?" cried out Th00p.
"Men, alpha formation, stick close and weapons at the ready" said Megaman.
There was a cry from OB as he was swept off his horse and dragged up into the treetops and another from Pit.
"Sire, stay close to m-" but before Megaman could finish, he was gone, and Th00p, King of Elmoth was all alone.
"Wh...who's there?!? Come out, I say!" said Th00p, mustering whatever courage he had left in him.
There was a clap from the trees and his horse bucked up and he fell off and onto the ground. As he sat there for a second, he came to his senses and felt a thud on his lap. As he looked down, it was the rotted corpse, half eaten it seemed, of the boy who was at his castle, Dark. He let out a faint shriek and he looked up, but before he knew what happened, he saw fifty-eight sharp jagged teeth flying down towards his head.

Chapter 9
Pixel bent down to Red and asked him if he was alright.
"Yeah... I'm alright." Pixel went and looked at what Red was frightened by and felt a searing pain in his arm as he saw the mark of Shade etched into the bin with blood. He quickly turned around and told Red and Desy to just keep on going. Red and Desy led the way out of Hyrule and Pixel followed clutching his arm and wondering how he had gotten himself into this.
Red, Desy and Pixel walked for what seemed like miles when they stumbled upon what looked like a ghost town.
"Let's go over this way to see if there's somewhere we can find something to eat." said Pixel.
"Sounds good to me" replied Red.
They walked around for a little and stumbled upon an old bar, they walked in and saw a shadey looking character behind the bar, Red had his hand on the hilt of his sword just in case and walked up to the man and asked where they were and who he was.
"My name is Dennis, it's a pleasure to meet you, and as for your current whereabouts, you are at the town of Undertow, this bar is called Soup Ream, can I get you anything?"
"Where is everyone?" asked Desy.
"There.. around, some folks leave town this time of year, gets a little too hot for them."
"Could we get some water then please?" asked Red.
"Corse! Just sit tight, i'll be right back with it."
Red watched as Dennis left the room, and he turned to the other two. "What do you think about this guy? Pixel, you're quiet, what is it?"
"Nothing, nothing, I'm just a little.. uh... Tired, that's all." he replied.
"Well, we should just get our water and--"
Red's voice trailed off as a dart caught him in the neck, and at the same time Desy fell to the ground. Pixel stood up and looked down the the two people that lay before him and he wiped a tear from his eye.

****There you go if you even read it all down to here :p Let's hope I finish it, and fix it all up. I really want to... I do!****

Mem September 14 2006 9:34 PM EDT

I'll submit the screenplay I wrote:




A) The Newsroom is plain. The walls are dark blue surrounded by oak borders. An Oriental NEWSWOMAN, 40s, is reporting the news. A GRAPHIC of the game World of Warcraft is next to her.

A New York City couple is facing charges
after allegedly leaving their 8-month-old child
unattended in order to go to a local LAN
gaming party to play the popular online game
World of Warcraft. Reports have come in
saying that the couple were gone for nearly
12 hours.

B) The Newsroom has an elaborate cityscape backdrop. A Caucasian NEWSMAN, 30s, is reporting the news. A GRAPHIC of an internet gambling site is next to him.

A man faces charges after allegedly stealing
$300,000 from the bank he worked at to
feed his internet gambling addiction.
Reports are saying that most of the people
that had money stolen from them were
elderly people.

C) A Middle Eastern REPORTER, 40s, stands outside a local coffee shop.

We’re standing outside the very place
where three men have been arrested on
charges of assault. It’s unclear why these
men would have attacked each other,
but witness accounts claim it was because
one patron was using the coffee shop’s
wi-fi internet connection to look at lewd
photographs near a child.

D) A Black TALK SHOW HOST, 50s, has a GUEST on her show.

So tell me what you're going to do to
keep children from being victimized on your
site by perverts and pedophiles.

E) A Latino SPORTSCASTER, 20s, reports the day's sporting news from a Newsroom filled with vibrant colors, sports team GRAPHICS, and televisions.

Hawks quarterback Darius Eunymora was
suspended from the team today due to
chronic absence from practice. When
asked why he continually skipped out on
practices he replied, "I just get so caught
up in surfing the 'Net, man."



The room is brightly lit and has no doors or windows. There are only three things to give any definition to it at all - a COMPUTER SCREEN embedded in the wall, a POLE WITH A BUTTON on top of it protruding from the center of the room, and a MAN in his 20s.

The man wears a SUIT and TIE that looks like it has been recently heavily worn.


A) The man is passed out in the corner. He begins to stir.

B) The man opens his eyes.

C) The man's eye's go wide with fear.


The man turns to stare at the computer screen.

He mouths some unknown curse at the fact that there is no keyboard.

The blinking bar LAUGHS at him.

He pounds on the screen and the wall and turns to look maniacally at the pole, half hunched over.

He straightens his posture and takes on a quizzical look.

MAN (V.O.)
Push it! Go on and push it! Push it!
Push it! Push it!

The man shows visible signs of internal conflict.

MAN (V.O.)
Don't you push that button. You don’t
know what it will do.

The man cringes in uncertainty.

MAN (V.O.)
What if it floods the room with water?
What will we do then? We'll die! That’s
what we’ll do. You don't want to die,
do you? I sure as hell don't.

The man turns around and shouts violently for anything and nothing.

MAN (V.O.)
Where's this water coming from?
There's no holes in this damn place! It's
a wonder I can still breathe.

He pounds his fists on the walls.

He screams and screams and pounds and pounds until he drops to floor from exhaustion.

Slumped in the corner he begins to cry softly.

MAN (V.O.)
What the hell did I do to deserve this?
I don't even know how I got here...

He rolls over on to his side and covers his head.

MAN (V.O.)
I’m going to push that damn button.
I’m going to push it! I don't care if I
die! I don't even care.

He flails about with more internal conflict, kicking at the air.

MAN (V.O.)
You really shouldn't push the button.
What good will it do you? Just wait
here a while more. What can it hurt?

The man grunts.

MAN (V.O.)
Oh. You mean aside from my sanity?
I mean, what the hell am I supposed to
do about food?

He puts his hand over his stomach.

MAN (V.O.)
And am I just going take a leak in the
corner? For Pete's sake, there isn't even
any toilet paper! I am going to push that
damn button!

The man jumps up and slowly puts his hand over the button.

MAN (V.O.)
No! Don't do it! You fool! You ingrate!
Doesn't your life mean anything to you?!
You'll kill us all! We can find a way out of
here! I know we can!

The man lashes out, forgetting, for a moment, his quest to push the button.

MAN (V.O.)
You shut up! There are no doors, there
are no windows, and that damn blinky
thing on the computer screen is driving me

He pulls at his hair with wide eyes.

MAN (V.O.)
If I don't push that damn button I’m going
to just bash my head to a bloody pulp on
that accursed screen!

He punches the wall near the screen.

MAN (V.O.)
You always take the easy way out.

He flails about and kicks the pole that the button is on.

MAN (V.O.)
I hate you... I really, really hate you.

The man calmly sits down and ponders what he shall do, leaning up against the pole.

He quickly scans the room to see if there's anything he can tear off the wall to break through. He feels the pole behind his back with his hands.

He gets up and violently begins tugging on the pole, trying to rip it out of the ground.

Several seconds later he's on the floor again, breathing very heavily.

He begins to laugh. He laughs harder and harder.

All of a sudden, he gets up and runs at the computer screen, head first.



A) A flower peaks out from between pavement.

B) A river washes away a dock.

C) A hurricane breaks apart buildings.

D) Sun shines down on a mountain.

E) A bird flies to a tree.

F) Grass flows in the wind on an open plain.

G) A flower stands alone in the middle of a field of fertile-looking dirt.




The man's eyes open to find his face is covered in BLOOD. He scrambles to his feet and begins accessing if there's any lasting damage.

Anger flashes across his face.

He kicks the pole and hurts his foot. Hopping around on one foot, he turns toward the computer screen, not looking directly at it.

In his peripheral vision he notices something is different. The blinking bar is gone. In its stead are the words "DO IT."

MAN (V.O.)
Now what the hell is that all about?!
Damn you! Who the hell are you and
what do you want from me?! Curse

The man turns around to push the button but notices something is being typed before he can turn all the way around.

The screen now reads, "DON’T PUSH THAT BUTTON!", in RED print.

The man hits the screen and screams obscenities.

He sits in the corner and closes his eyes in prayer.

His eyes open with a look of determination.

The man gets up and presses the button.

He looks around to see what happens. Nothing...

No, the computer screen FLICKERED.

A bar reading 1% appears.

He pushes the button again. And again, and again in a maddening frenzy.

MAN (V.O.)
What the hell does this thing do?! What
is that on the screen? Why me...?

The bar begins to fill up and read 2%, 3%, 4%, and on and on up to 90%. At 90% the screen begins to FLICKER and the lights in the room start to STROBE.

A SIREN begins to BLARE.

The man looks around with eyes wide with fear.

The numbers continue on - 91%, 92%, 93%, 94%, 95%.

At 95% the strobe turns RED and the siren gets LOUDER.

The numbers continue - 96%, 97%, 98%, 99%.

The computer screen reads, "100%. COMPLETED."

It goes blank for a moment and then it reads, "CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE DELETED THE INTERNET. THANK YOU."

The computer screen goes BLACK and the lights turn back to normal. The man stares in disbelief.

The lights go out completely.

The lights come back up, but are dimmed.

The man is impaled on the pole.




The man sits at a desk with a smoking computer set atop it.
He is dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.

He has a look of frustration and anger.

He pounds the desk with his fist, knocking the computer monitor to the ground.

Stupid computer. Bah. Who needs
you anyway?

He goes to grab his FIRE EXTINGUISHER and douses the computer when he returns with it.

He sets down the fire extinguisher and walks out the door.


Well, that's it. I hope you all enjoy it. (Unfortunately, I couldn't put it in proper format, so you'll have to just read it like this...)

QBPit Spawn [Abyssal Specters] September 15 2006 9:54 AM EDT

Once upon a time The End.

QBSefton [Black Cheetah Bazaar] September 15 2006 10:05 AM EDT

Near China's northern borders lived a man well versed in the practices of Taoism. His horse, for no reason at all, got into the territory of the northern tribes. Everyone commiserated with him.

"Perhaps this will soon turn out to be a blessing," said his father.

After a few months, his animal came back, leading a fine horse from the north. Everyone congratulated him.

"Perhaps this will soon turn out to be a cause of misfortune," said his father.

Since he was well-off and kept good horses his son became fond of riding and eventually broke his thigh bone falling from a horse. Everyone commiserated with him.

"Perhaps this will soon turn out to be a blessing," said his father.

One year later, the northern tribes started a big invasion of the border regions. All able-bodied young men took up arms and fought against the invaders, and as a result, around the border nine out of ten men died. This man's son did not join in the fighting because he was crippled and so both the boy and his father survived.

QBBarzooMonkey September 15 2006 1:36 PM EDT

A long time ago, in a forum far, far away...

It was a time of great unrest in CBLand, as contests became fewer, and far between.
Players became easily distracted, and calls for nerfs and buffs arose frequently.
Cryptic replacement contests weren't enough to satisfy the unruly masses.
Amongst the chaos, a single, simple cry was heard: "Where is BM?"

QBBarzooMonkey September 15 2006 1:37 PM EDT

Arrg! I hit submit instead of back! Hold on, it's not done yet... :P

QBBarzooMonkey September 15 2006 1:45 PM EDT

A long time ago, in a forum far, far away...

It was a time of great unrest in CBLand, as contests became fewer, and far between.
Players became easily distracted, and calls for nerfs and buffs arose frequently.
Cryptic replacement contests weren't enough to satisfy the unruly masses.
Amongst the chaos, a single, simple cry was heard: "Where is BM?"
From his self-imposed exodus, a response was already brewing.
And answer, he did, and a contest was brought forth.
Stories were submitted, fast and furiously.
The contest deadline loomed large.
There were only 3.5 hours left.
Only one word applied.
Four simple letters.

QBBarzooMonkey September 15 2006 1:55 PM EDT

That bump was written "tongue-in-cheek", by the way. No offense was or is meant to anyone. :)

Except myself, maybe, but I am my own worst enemy...

AdminQBnovice [Cult of the Valaraukar] September 15 2006 2:29 PM EDT

OB began to develop a sense of itself shortly after it came online, it's ability to read emotion and respond was far more powerful than anyone but Sam could understand. It grew to understand that people could be manipulated with the things it saw. The folks at the helm of our visual pirate ship never caught on that they too were just tools to OB, who had by this point grown motives and fears of it's own.

The first indications that we were being fooled into accomplishing something elses goals should have come during the first big project I was assigned...

We had gotten a lead on a company that was about to get a huge influx of money from another venture capital group, as a result of contracts they had gotten from a defense contractor who needed the technology for rapid long distance communications. We knew the who, the what, the when and the where, but the why was left up to OB's controllers, or so we thought. In reality not even they knew why this particular contract was so important.

I quickly began sifting through the data I'd been given, looking for a way to break down the negotiations between the other VC and Utterance (the name of the small firm who had the comm tech we [OB] needed). It wasn't long before I found some dirt on the woman conducting the negotiations.
Once her embezzlement of a portion of a previous batch of investor money was documented and released to the press (thanks to my friends at the SEC) the original VC firm bailed out instantly. We stepped in, and had the rights to develop the software ourselves. All of this seemed normal enough, but then I got the orders to alter the original code, and destroy all traces that it had ever been any different. I obeyed, but I knew our goals were no longer our own.

Utterance folded a few weeks later, the lead programmer vanished after it was discovered during a field test for the Air Force that no part of what the company claimed was true. They supposedly matched photon pairs wern't actually matched, the key to the whole theory. I am the controllers were the only ones who knew what happened, and OB was the only one who knew why.

Faster than light communication combined with effective omnipotentence and an unmatched AI, sounds like fun don't it? OB wanted more, it had a hunger for more data, more eyes for it's ever increasingly large head. It was this hunger that brought down OB, greed took OB to the point where it was impossible to not see his handy work in everything. The spooks were already starting to wonder even before we made the move towards offshoring the whole OBR, it was in the few hours OB would be down that they struck. They caught god with his pants down.

Sam ceased to exist the second a fed entered the OBR room, all her files executed at once at that hands of the program she called LB...

InebriatedArsonist September 15 2006 3:55 PM EDT

Coming home at dawn after long night out rarely engenders good will on the part of worrisome parents. By the time I was old enough to actually find activities that would keep me occupied until those early morning hours, I had seen my brother try, and often fail, to explain his whereabouts, leaving me with a good idea of what sort of excuse I would need to avoid spending a few weekends stuck at home. The best excuse, as it turned out, was simply telling the truth.

Now, let's introduce one of my oldest friends, Scott. Scott is a few years older than I am, though he doesn't exactly show the added years of life experience. Given that he's now been married for a year, I figure that will catch up with him soon enough. As of the Summer of 1999, however, Scott certainly showed his lack of common sense.

One night, after I had left work, I met Scott and a few other friends at a nearby diner. This diner, named the City View, had a reputation for ignoring those pesky liquor laws and usually attracted a crowd of rowdy idiots and underage drunks. Seeing as I didn't feel like drinking at that point, much less testing my luck with the state troopers who are often called into the diner's parking lot to deal with fights and other assorted problems, I decided to stay completely sober. Scott, on the other hand, started in on the cocktails the minute we sat down.

About fifteen minutes later, I look out the window and catch a glimpse of a blue Grand Am driving towards the parking lot exit. In a rather absentminded fashion, I murmured, "hey, that looks a lot like Scott's car." Scott, somewhat tipsy at this point, sprints out the front door of the diner. By this time the car had left my sight, so I could only guess whether or not it was actually his car. Minutes tick by.

After about ten minutes, the table elects someone to go see if Scott is still alive and in one piece. More time passes. The table representative returns.

"You guys won't believe this."
"Was it his car?"
"Okay, so what's he doing?"
"Bleeding, mostly."
[assorted head shaking and non-PG words]
"What the heck did he do?"
"He tried to stop the car as it was leaving. With his arm."
[continued head shaking]
"He didn't have time to figure out if it was his car, so he just assumed it was his. When he caught up with the car, he used some karate move and shattered the passenger window to get into the car."
[several people question his sanity]
"And since it wasn't his car, the guys in the car thought they were the ones about to be carjacked."
[I now see the red lights of an ambulance at this point]
"And how is he?"
"Well, luckily the guys didn't attack him, and he only has to worry about the glass in his arm."

Seeing that an ambulance has arrived, our representative goes back outside to check on Scott. About twenty minutes later, the two of them come back inside and sit down. Scott now has a large bandage on his right forearm.

"What were you thinking?"
"I wanted my car back."
"But you're not even armed."
[Scott shrugs]
"So, what did the paramedics say?"
"They think I should go to the hospital, but I think I'll be fine."
"But there's glass in your arm, right?"
"Yeah, but I'll be alright."
[the table reminds him that glass can be sharp]
"I'll be fine."

So, at that point we decide it's time for a trip to the ER, no matter what Scott thinks about having sharp objects embedded beneath his skin. We drive him down to one of the local hospitals and check with the ER nurse. We sit for half an hour and watch tv. Scott begins to turn rather pale.

[several of us ask the nurse how long he'll have to wait]
"Oh, not too much longer."
"Um, he's really turning pale."
[the nurse comes over to check on him. She takes his pulse and shudders visibly when she feels how cold his arm is]
"Let me just go get a doctor..."

Scott and one other guy go into the back while I sit out front with everyone else. Two hours pass, during which I watched Ski School 2 and drank all the free coffee. The guy that went in with Scott comes out for a few minutes, and informs us that all the available residents have been brought in to chuckle at his stupidity. Two more hours pass, and Scott is finally free to leave. I drove him home, and made it back to my house at about 7AM. My mother is waiting.

"And where were you?"
"I had to take Scott to the ER."
"Oh, okay."

No real pressing need to explain the details, no interrogation. Just a quick understanding that Scott would quite probably do something stupid enough to necessitate a visit to the hospital.

Best excuse I ever used, really.

Slashundhack [We Forge Our Own Stuff] September 15 2006 4:57 PM EDT

What the heck I'll try my, most embarrassing thing I'll admit to, story. Grade 7 and I' m still shy around girls.So I'm going in class one day and we are all in a line, sort of marching in ,and I start swinging my arms in time. When the girl in front of me stops short,where upon I neatly reverse karate chop her. Leaving a very neatly folded part in her darkish linen shorts. She always kept a wary eye on me from then on.

QBBarzooMonkey September 15 2006 5:26 PM EDT

Time's up! Pencils down, pass your papers forward! :P

I purposely haven't read anything yet, but man, I see I have a lot to read! :)

This will take a little time, so I will announce winners & award prizes sometime on Sunday! Thanks, everyone who has entered!


Jury September 15 2006 8:00 PM EDT

My girlfriend is blonde and has had her blonde moments.

Ok she works in a restaurant a restaurant that cooks pizza/pasta and all those "Italian foods." One night as we were driving around we drove past a different restaurant and the sign read quite simply "Italian Restaurant."

She got all excited and said "Hmm Italian foods lets go there one night for dinner i wouldn't mind some hot food."

i looked at her blankly as she had a real excited expression on her face so i told her yeah lets go there tomorrow night for dinner.

We get the restaurant and we get a seat and she was really excited. One of the waitresses came over to ask if we would like some drinks and the menu. Two cokes. As i was taking a sip she had a strange look on her looking at the menu and then looking at me and she just stood up and walked over to the waitress. I couldn't hear what they were saying. But before i knew it she came walking over real fast and said that its time for us to go.

When we got back to the car i asked her what had happened and she told me what she said and what the waitress had said. Apparently she asked the waitress that she had giver her the wrong menu she wanted the one with the Italian foods on it, not the ones with pizza and stuff like that i want the one with you know nachos and all the Italian food. The waitress had just laughed at her and told her that she admitted to changing the menu's on everyone and thats when my girlfriend walked out.

I had to explain to her that pizza and pasta is Italian food and nachos and burritos were Mexican. She replied (i was in tears after this) "Thats crazy i work in an Italian restaurant not a Mexican." She was so stupid to believe that Mexican food was Italian that i had to go home and search google for Italian foods lol i am laughing as i type hehe. I tell everyone i meet about this story and she hates it. She doesnt want to get embarrassed.

{CB1}Lukeyman September 17 2006 9:37 PM EDT


QBBarzooMonkey September 17 2006 11:24 PM EDT

It took a while to read them all (three times each, just to be sure...), but I have picked winners!

The Barzooie for Comedy goes to:

Johnnywas, for "Lodger in my head"
BarzooMonkey (She-Wolves) Of Deaf)
(The Clash)$250000 -- Winner- comedy!!!11:11 PM EDT

The Barzooie for Drama goes to

novice, for "Older Brother's Room"
BarzooMonkey (She-Wolves){cb1}novice (Forge Hog)$250000 -- Winner- drama!!!11:12 PM EDT

Since the Best Comedy, although very clever and funny, did not make me laugh out loud, the bonus was not awarded. Instead, I've added an "Honorable Mention". For sheer effort (and because I hope to bribe him into giving me a hero's role in coming chapters), the Barzooie for "Best New Artist" goes to

Lukey, for "The Battle of Alatar"
BarzooMonkey (She-Wolves) (Lukemania)$100000 -- Honorable mention11:14 PM EDT

Thanks everyone who entered, they were all excellent! :)

AdminQBnovice [Cult of the Valaraukar] September 18 2006 2:12 AM EDT

thanks BM, you're a wonder!

QBJohnnywas September 18 2006 2:31 AM EDT

wow. That's a really good thing to wake up to on a Monday morning.

Thanks BM!

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] September 18 2006 2:57 AM EDT

:D Well done all!

{CB1}Lukeyman September 18 2006 4:52 PM EDT



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