Funny non sequitur story for cash! (in Contests)

AdminQBVerifex [Serenity In Chaos] May 27 2007 8:36 PM EDT

Okay, heres the skinny:

I want you to finish one of these stories I've written below using non sequiturs to make it laugh out loud funny. All entries should be at least 6 sentences and not more then 12 paragraphs (page in a half), you can enter as many times as possible, and it's free to enter the contest. The prize will be 500k, and the entries will be judged by me and a few other judges for funniness and quality of writing. This contest will run for about a week more or less, depending on the interest in it. Ready? Here are the stories: (Remember you only need to pick ONE)

  1. Frank grabs his dingy black coat from the coat rack opposite of the front door. As he heads out the door, he makes one last disapproving glance at the overly decorated coat rack. "I need to get a metal hook or something to replace that", he thinks to himself, the unpleasant memories tug at his psyche whenever he notices it; the ex-girlfriend, the fights, the police, all of it floats away though when he starts breathing the cold night air.

    Jumping in his little 97' Toyota Tercel, he drives un-eventfully to the grocery store where he has a full night ahead of him. "Kevin better not be 'sick' again tonight", Frank mutters under his breath. Frank finds his way into the employee lounge before heading towards his timecard.

    In the lounge the sounds of soft-rock piped through the intercom is broken shortly when the loud "Ker-plunk" of the time card machine marking Franks card are heard. As usual, the machine marks 10:03, instead of the widely accepted time of 9:59 by all of the other clocks in the store.

    Frank does a quick visual once-over of the back-room filled with towering crates of dog food, soup and soda to be stocked tonight. After jogging through the back room for a couple minutes, he finds the motorized pallet-jack that lets him jet through the store, as soon as the front door is closed and all the customers are gone.

    A quarter past ten Frank hears the unmistakable ding interrupt the song being played over the intercom, "That must be Kevin, lazy bum!"
    -----------CONTINUE STORY HERE-----------

  2. "These aren't Legos, these are baby blocks!", exclaimed Jenna to her exasperated mom. "It's okay sweetie, mommy will get you some more blocks after work tonight, alright?". Jenna looking somewhat less disappointed runs to hug her mom, "Okay mommy, please hurry back, I love you!" "I love you too Jenna, now have fun with Grandma Fran okay?" "Ok mommy!" Grandma Fran being ever-present in the front room joins the happy embrace and exchanges goodbyes with her daughter and pats Jenna on the head.

    Not even a full half an hour passes before Jenna feels the tinges of restlessness sink in. The bucket of knock-off Legos still sitting defiantly by the doorway where Jenna left them earlier. Jenna goes to explore the house. The house is large, but not large enough to warrant a paid housekeeper; atleast according to Grandma Fran.

    The house has all kinds of wafting funny smells. There isn't anything terribly interesting about any of the rooms or halls, but here and there some sparks of color catch her eye. Jenna enjoys free reign of the house mostly, and because of her Grandmas painful arthritis of the knees she usually can be alone and do whatever she wants most of the time.

    Soon enough, Jenna has found the extra bedroom upstairs. A small ornate music box sits enticingly upon the large dresser in the room. Without blinking an eye Jenna has it down on the floor and sits and watches in wonder as the little plastic ballerina spins inside the jewelry box while the little tinkling noises emanate from the lower part of the box.

    After the tune finishes, Jenna reaches for the box to lift up into her hands, but she only manages to slide the box across the floor instead. The box is now resting right next to the shadow of the underside of the bed. Jenna is a growing young girl, and although you wouldn't hear her say it, she is still only 6 years old. As Jenna looks towards the music box, her eye catches a reflection of metal under the bed. She sees a suitcase handle and immediately her attention leaves the music box.
    -----------CONTINUE STORY HERE-----------

DAS bro May 28 2007 8:23 PM EDT

Jenna is wondering what was in the suitcase and so she wonders over near it and looks in side of it. When she opend it she had a sudden jolt of energy,there in the suitcase she saw what she always wanted. In that very suitecase she found a half made ballerina; made out of the same exact set of legos she had always wanted.
So as she escaped the daze at the legos she carefully closed the suitecase and put it back.Later the next day she sneeked up into the extra bedroom, and once there she took one last look at ballerina,then she went back down stairs.One down stairs she found that her mother was in the door way holding a large box.
When Jenna got home she opend the box and looked inside, it was the set of lagos just like the ones sha had found at her grandmothers.She then sorted the all out and started her project;piece after piece Jenna put together the missing half of the ballerina.Once she had finished she tucked it away under her bed and waited to go to her grandmas house agian tommarrow.
Later the next day while at her grandmas she went up to that little room and conected the to halfs of the ballerina.Once she had finished, she took the full ballerina down stairs to show her grandma.But a problem happend while going down the stairs, she triped and fell thus making the the ballerina made of legos shater.
Moments later her grandma hearing the crash hurried over and saw what had happend.After Jenna got up, her grandma asked what she had made out of the legos.Jenna explained everything, and then her grandma said,"Do you now who that ballerina belonged to?no, answerd Jenna.Well that there ballerina belonged to your mom. WOW! Said Jenna why didnt she ever finish it? Well she putt it away one day and never looked at it agian."
Later when her mother got home she had put the ballerina put back together,and her mom said,:While I'll be, that is the same exact ballerina I started putting together when I was your age. You no honnie I think you deserve it more than me!"

noneedforthese May 29 2007 7:32 AM EDT

Distracted by the intercom, Frank crashed with a loud snap, crackle and pop into a box of chocolates. With an equally loud curse, Frank examined the bust-chopping mess he made; the chocolate pieces were everywhere. He paused for a moment and desperately thought of a plan... He had to get out of picking up the fifteen pieces of chocolate strewn all over the floor. A moment was all he needed.

"Frank? What the heck was that?" came Kevin's voice, from the other side of the store. Frank had to physically restrain his mouth to stop from giggling. His plan was too perfect; he would frame that lazy prick with the spilling of the chocolates.

"Frank? Where are you?" yelled Kevin, still aimlessly walking around. He would have to step up his game. Reaching in to his pocket, he rummaged through its contents and pulled out his trusty obese parrot. Pollysaturated would play her role tonight, and the decades of training would not be for naught.

"Polly wants a chocolate"

Did he hear it right? Kevin frowned and slowly turned around. Did he hear... an obese parrot? Cautiously, he approached the chocolates isle. Upon arriving at the scene, he gasped in horror. "By the gods... so much... work..." he breathed, still reeling from the shock of seeing the dozen pieces of chocolate littered on the ground. Being careful not to trip over the smoking pallet jack and the broken shelving and the thousands of broken jars of brussel sprouts, he approached the chocolates. Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain in his rib. A manically smiling Frank practically drooled on him as he slowly sank to the floor, as the sharp-end of the kilo-brick cheese sunk deeper and deeper into his chest.
"... why..." Kevin whispered, blood gurgling with each syllable. Frank laughed. "The chocolates, it's all your fault! No one will believe I did it when I tell them you did it then killed yourself!" Kevin's eyes filled with tears. He slowly reached for his pocket, and pulled out a metal hook. Frank jerked back when he saw the hook. Kevin, being a true friend, was late because he was buying a metal hook for him. "Nooooo!" Frank screamed, as the glorious metal hook was slowly entrenched tighter and tighter in Kevin's stiff, cold fingers. Then Frank's ex-girlfriend entered the store and shot him in the head and robbed the sixty two cents in the till.

The chilling end.

SBW May 30 2007 12:58 AM EDT

Jenna looks around the room, only to find a wooden cane her grandmother uses to walk. She immediately reaches for the cane and uses its hooked side to pull the suitcase to her side.

Jenna notices that there is a lock on the suitcase, so she endlessly tries to input codes into the case. Helpless, after half an hour, she remains sitting alone in the room with the locked suitcase.

She looks towards the breezing window and looks out of the window, looking towards the outdoors. Glancing down, she abruptly smiles and runs for the suitcase. Picking it up in her fragile hands, she throws it out the window and listens to it crack beneath.

Jenna sprints down the stairs and out to the front lawn where the suitcase lie broken. She notices a large box that had fallen out of the suitcase, along with a sheet of paper.

Jenna grabs the sheet and reads, "Thanks John Lentor for sending the 500 g's to our bank account in Switzerland where the cops cannot find it. You were the highest bidder and here is your reward.

Ripping and tearing the paper box, she opens the mystery package. She looks inside and screams in horror at what she finds: Bubble wrap.

Stealing Bubble wrap is bad. Don't try it at home.
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