In persuit of perfection. (in Off-topic)

TheHatchetman May 4 2008 11:26 PM EDT

I left my house a couple hours ago. I had one task at hand, to buy some Dr. Pepper (hence the thread title). I leave my house, and start walking to the store only roughly a mile away from my house. Not sure why I didn't walk to any of the closer ones in other directions, but this is just the way my legs started walking...

I go into the Shell station, and ask if they have any 12 packs of Dr. Pepper. If they did, this wouldn't be a very interesting thread, now would it? So I walk across the street to the BP. As I'm almost across the street, a dude driving down Commercial apparently didn't see the 6'6" dude wearing a 2XL bright green T-shirt in the crosswalk and started to make his turn... That dude was me... =/ I shouted an obscenity before my reflex told me "JUMP!" so I jumped... Not a karate kid-style jump and land on your feet on the hood thingy... Not a dive onto the sidewalk (I guess that woulda made two much sense...) No, I just kinda jumped in the air, like I was trying to sink a basket or catch a high pass... Thankfully, the dude noticed the giant grasshopper, and slammed on his brakes. As I'm landing on his hood, I put my elbow up and give his hood a good slam. He gets out after i roll off of the hood and stand back up and says probably the dumbest things he coulda said in that situation as he's walking towards me; "How the hell you gonna land on my car like that?!" (WHAT?!?! No, seriously!). I respond "How the hell are you gonna put me in a situation to land on your hood you stup"... Yes, I stopped, because he just did THE stupidest thing he could have done in that situation; He just punched me in the jaw. I returned with my own hook to the jaw before grabbing him by the back of his head and slamming his face into the hood a few times. I then picked him up and slammed him on the hood (kinda looked like a goofy, sideways powerbomb thingy)... Shortly after, a police cruiser rolled up. (OH DAMN!)

The people at the bus stop had seen him "hit me with the car", and called the cops. Luckily, they also saw that the dude then got out of his car and attacked me. Therefore, what I did, albeit kinda extreme, was semi-legal... The cop asked me about my axe, I told him that unless I was on my way to or from work, I always had it on me. He said it was a good thing I didn't take it out of it's holder (umm... duh?). I told him "In a one on one, I'll take the whoopin if it comes to it, as opposed to the assault with a deadly weapon charge... After a half hour or so of wasted time and telling what happened (I went along with the "behing hit by the car" story ^_^), it came down to the cops asking if *I* wanted to press charges... I looked at the dude, knowing his nose *has* to be broken, and his jaw likely isn't doing too good either, then I looked at the damage to the hood of the car and figured he'd learned his lesson.

I'm allowed to leave, so I go into the BP, no Dr. Pepper... I go to the Sunoco next to the BP, no Dr. Pepper... I walk back past the BP, and cross the street going the other way to the Mobil station. Finally! They must have some Dr. Pepper, they're advertising 2 for $6 twelve packs in the window... I enter the store, the air conditioning feels nicer than the previous stores for some reason, and the store seemed brighter and better-smelling. I walk over to the stack of 12-pack soda boxes... NO DR. PEPPER!!!!!!! (>.<). I look down the street, and see a BJ's Wholesale Club (I would tell you to take careful note of the last word in the name of the store, but then I would be a hypocrite...) a short walk down the street. I walk down, through their 50-mile parking lot (maybe an exaggeration... but only a slight one! :P), and walk into the store. It's ginormous... I ask a guy at the door where their soda is, and am told it is in the very back of the store (Of course!)... I go to the back of the store, Dr. Pepper at last (w00t!). I grab a cardboard crate with four 6-packs of cans with the little plastic thingies holding them together. I walk back up to the front of the store, Dr. Pepper in hand(s). I go to the register, and wait in line behind 2 different people with way too many groceries (Seriously, one of them had 2, yes, TWO full carts... Who is she feeding, and does she drive a bus?!). I finally get to the front of the line, and the girl at the register says "Can I have your club card, sir?" (I don't like where this is going...) "I don't have one." She says "I'm sorry sir, you need a club card to shop here." (WHY?!?!?!) I tell her "You do not know what I have gone through to get here. Can you please let me slide, just this one time, for just this one case of soda?" The manager is called, he wants to hear my story... I tell him, "I've been hit by a car, punched in the jaw, hassled by the cops, and I've walked over a mile and a half by now, with just as far to walk back. I would really like to purchase some Dr. Pepper from you as nobody around here has anything bigger than 20 oz. bottles, and after a trip like this I really don't want to go home empty-handed." (but it was kinda mashed together into one sentence) He let me slide. (At least it was all worth it! :D) I carried the crate on one hand and a shoulder so that I could sip two of them on the way home... (They weren't refrigerated, but the store was kinda cold, so they weren't totally warm ^_^) Aside from that, the trip home was uneventful...

As I typed all this out, I realize it sounds like a crappier version of Harold and Kumar without the fun parts... But I guess that's life...

Vaynard [Fees Dirt Cheap] May 4 2008 11:31 PM EDT

Nice story! Although I don't agree about the 'without the fun parts' part, very interesting. It's amazing people can act like that after THEY almost run you over. Kudos on keeping a clear head throughout.

QBOddBird May 4 2008 11:31 PM EDT

You get in a lot of fights.

Sickone May 4 2008 11:34 PM EDT


I don't care if it's real or fantasy, it's a pretty entertaining story either way.

QBBast [Hidden Agenda] May 4 2008 11:36 PM EDT

"Persuit" has something to do with Dr. Pepper?

BootyGod May 4 2008 11:44 PM EDT

It has EVERYTHING to do with Dr. Pepper. If you had spent less time correcting his grammar and more time getting to know Hatch, you would have realized that ;P

TheHatchetman May 4 2008 11:48 PM EDT

I haven't been in a fight for a while before that one (you can't call one palm to the gut a fight... =/). I'm pretty good about keeping my cool in most situations. I have to be on account of my size... Without witnesses "They attacked me" doesn't work well ("Oh, they just randomly decided to go after the biggest dude on the sidewalk, I'm sure."). And yeah, it's a true story.

{cb1}Linguala May 5 2008 12:05 AM EDT

lol, you had to plow your elbow in his hood?
Poor guy, I'm sure he wished he saw you crossing...
And why are you carrying an axe with you?

QBOddBird May 5 2008 12:07 AM EDT

So he can carry beer in the other arm and when he's hitchhiking, he can tell the driver "it's a can opener."

[RX3]Cotillion May 5 2008 12:09 AM EDT

You carry an axe around? ...

Anyhow... I kinda wish that my weekends were eventful like that... I am actually bummed out when I don't have work on the weekends... Maybe it's because I don't do anything on the weekends or I just really like money (probably both).

TheHatchetman May 5 2008 12:17 AM EDT

"I told him that unless I was on my way to or from work, I always had it on me"

I wasn't lying ^_^

[RX3]Cotillion May 5 2008 12:21 AM EDT

Why do you carry an axe though? ... .. ..... ... .. . ..

Is it a luck thing? or maybe an O.C.D. thing?...

TheHatchetman May 5 2008 1:45 AM EDT

partially a luck thing, partially because you never know when an axe will come in handy... Aside from chopping things, it works as a knife, a hammer, a scraper, and it prevents most fights from happening, so long as the other party involved has anywhere near a level head (They don't know I won't pull it unless they've got a weapon or a group ^_^)...

chuck1234 May 5 2008 2:00 AM EDT

A seriously good story/ documentary that, HM, kudos.....but, you are in search/ pursuit of perfection..... n it ain't perfect, there's something missing....

oodles of violence in your tale, there, nothing amiss about that, but what really, really sells is s*, of course, you don't plan to market your experience one bit, but.....what i'd suggest to you is, like cinematic perfection in violence comes naturally to you, [as evident from your above fight scene, which I, unlike some doubting souls on this forum, accept as the reality and a factual and true version], you should round off your heroic personality by similarly incorporating the cinematic perfection of romance into your personality.....

remember, its s*x and violence that sells, not the latter alone....not that i'm suggesting you market your persona or any such thing.....but, if you live your life as per this world-view, you are gonna places mate HM :)

in the dr pepper situation you have outlined above, there's not much angle for s*x, unless one of the onlookers [who incidentally called in the cops] was a female who immediately decided to help you out....naturally, by failing to miss her in the description, you lost out on the romance angle.....same with the girl at the counter, instead of pouring your heart in front of the male manager, perhaps you'd have been better off [romantically] hitting on her with that hi-octane tale of yours

just my $0.02, but HM, you bet that way everything would be simply purrfect.

chuck1234 May 5 2008 2:04 AM EDT

P.S.: the tale would then have ended with the twain [HM and countergirl] sipping Dr Pepper on the way to HM's home, and he wouldn't have needed to carry one crate on his shoulder coz she'd have been handling half the stash ;)

[P]Mitt May 5 2008 2:08 AM EDT

Chuck, keep it PG... Replacing letters with symbols doesn't make something PG.

In regards to the story... Hatch, your life sounds like a soap opera.

ActionAction May 5 2008 2:36 AM EDT


I'm so proud of you, Hatch. If I had a husband, he better make at least that much effort to get me Dr. Pepper.

AdminQBnovice [Cult of the Valaraukar] May 5 2008 2:44 AM EDT

You'll earn your Florida tag yet hatch...

Lochnivar May 5 2008 3:40 AM EDT

If that's all you're looking for AA.....

SundariZelia [The Knighthood] May 5 2008 4:20 AM EDT

sounds fun. and reminds me of the time we wanted fruit punch and 99 cent bag of pretzels.

SundariZelia [The Knighthood] May 5 2008 4:39 AM EDT

btw, Pit thinks you need to stay away from roads, as much trouble as you seem to have with them :P

DrAcO5676 [The Knighthood III] May 5 2008 4:06 PM EDT

Nahh Sun, you need to tell Pit he needs to come back and give Hatch a reason to stay away from the roads... And Hatch.... I'm so coming to Florida to live with you ^_^ Don't know why you don't get a bit of a lawsuit or something and make him buy you more Dr. Pepper for those times when you don't have any!

deifeln May 5 2008 4:16 PM EDT

deifeln (Ka) TheHatchetman (not my NCB) $150000 -- for Dr. Pepper 4:16 PM EDT

Pheather May 5 2008 4:16 PM EDT

The hatchet man carries a hatchet around. Nice.

deifeln May 5 2008 4:17 PM EDT you carry a rocket around in your pocket?

QBOddBird May 5 2008 4:20 PM EDT

Nope, he's just happy to see you

Colonel Custard May 6 2008 6:35 AM EDT

Awesome story, dude. That reminds me of the weekends I used to have, in a way. Except I was usually running away from the cops, because it was "after curfew." Psh. Curfew.

Dr. Pepper is the best. Tahitian Treat is also really good. You know why? Because it's bottled under the supervision of the Doctor himself. And Mr. Seven Up. It says it right there on the bottle.

Bull3t F4c3 May 6 2008 6:48 AM EDT

the comrade picture does you no justice...
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