Post a joke (in Contests)

Admin{CB1}Slayer333 [SHIELD] October 15 2008 8:23 PM EDT

Make me laugh, keep it PG, winner(s) get some portion of 1m, depending on how many there are.


Lady Die October 15 2008 8:25 PM EDT

A little boy pushed a little girl in a mud puddle!

(I know, I know, not hilarious, but it is dirty and PG!)

Hakai [Aye Phelta Thi] October 15 2008 8:32 PM EDT

First Isn't Always Best

A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch."

Admin{CB1}Slayer333 [SHIELD] October 15 2008 8:32 PM EDT

multiple entries are OK!

Sickone October 15 2008 8:33 PM EDT

A man walks into a bar with a horse, the horse lies down and the man starts drinking.. After a few drinks the man staggers to the door to leave, but the bar tender says "Oi! you cant leave that lyin there!"

The man says "Its not a lion, its a horse"

A horse walked into a bar

The barman said: why the long face?


Two men walk into a bar,

The third one ducks.


2 fish in a tank.
one says: 'I'll drive, you use the gun'

What is green, has 4 legs,and will kill you if it falls from a tree?

A pool table

Q: What do you call a dinosaur with four eyes ?
A: Doyouthinkhesawus

The credit crunch has hit Japan. Origami Bank has folded.

What's red and bad for your teeth?

...A brick.

What do you call a midget who is the subject of millions of bad jokes?

Chuck Norris

Sickone October 15 2008 8:35 PM EDT

Q. What's orange and sounds like a carrot?
A. A parrot.

Q. Did you hear about the prawn that went to a disco?
A. It pulled a muscle.

Guy, "what do you want for christmas this year darling?"
Girl "a divorce"
Guy "whoooo I didnt want to spend that much"

A blonde is on the millionaire show.

Question #1: How many years did the "hundred year war" last?
a) 116
b) 99
c) 100
d) 120
The blonde dowsn't know, and calls a friend

Question #2: From which country originates the Panama Hat
a) Brazil
b) Panama
c) Equador
d) Costa Rica
The blonde asks the crowd

Question #3: In which month did the october Revolution happen?
a) September
b) October
c) November
d) December
The blonde goes with September

Now, if you're laughing at the blonde, check your answers:

The Hundred Year War lasted for 116 years
The Panama Hat originates from Equador
The October Revolution was in November

3D October 15 2008 8:35 PM EDT

One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right year Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."

Hakai [Aye Phelta Thi] October 15 2008 8:37 PM EDT

Calling The Jerk

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a Jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a Jerk!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the Jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a Jerk!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a Jerk, there sure are a lot of Jerks in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a Jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Don, you're a Jerk!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two Jerks to call. Then, after several months of calling the Jerks and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying,
I yelled "You're a Jerk!", but I didn't hang up.
The Jerk said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jerk #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jerk!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.


Watching two Jerks kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

Sickone October 15 2008 8:41 PM EDT

One Transylvanian, one Hungarian and one Rodhesian have their wives give birth the same day at the same hospital.
Th hospital is stumped, as they failed to record the proper birth mother.

Somebody thinks they shouds ask the Transylvanian.
He picks the black baby.

The doctors, confused...
"This is obviously NOT your baby"
He answers...
"Well, at least I am 100% certain he's not Hungarian..."

AdminQBnovice [Cult of the Valaraukar] October 15 2008 8:53 PM EDT

Why do girls wear makeup and perfume?
Because they are ugly and smell bad!

Eliteofdelete [Battle Royale] October 15 2008 9:07 PM EDT

We all know girls take time and money....
Girls = time x money

And money = time....
time = money
So Girls = money^2

And the money is the root of all evil...
money = sqrt(evil)

Girls = sqrt(evil)^2

Or girls = evil

Hakai [Aye Phelta Thi] October 15 2008 9:13 PM EDT

A tribute to G_Beee:

Scottish Kilt

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...

"I don't wanna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"

Hakai [Aye Phelta Thi] October 15 2008 9:21 PM EDT

Skinny Dippers

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

QBsutekh137 October 15 2008 9:30 PM EDT

I like Jesus, but he loves me, and he's everywhere.

So, it's been awkward...

Windwalker October 15 2008 9:51 PM EDT

> I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
> A half-gallon of 2% milk,
> A carton of eggs,
>> A quart of orange juice,
>> A head of romaine lettuce,
>> A 2 lb. can of coffee,
>> And 1 lb. package of bacon.
> As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
> While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
> I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items
>on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
> Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

> The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

QBBast [Hidden Agenda] October 15 2008 10:07 PM EDT

Joe the Plumber.

QBBast [Hidden Agenda] October 15 2008 10:08 PM EDT

Even better: "Elections have consequences when Presidents are nominated. "

Rizy October 15 2008 10:10 PM EDT

i just watched a horror movie, from 1972, called "frogs".... you'd think frogs were just, frogs...... but oh let me tell you - frogs can kill!

Hakai [Aye Phelta Thi] October 15 2008 10:18 PM EDT

Rabbi Playing Golf

The great Rabbi of a big city is a golf addict. He loves nothing more than playing golf on a warm sunny afternoon. Unfortunately, on shabbat, he must refrain himself. This is a big dilemma for his soul: the temptation to play golf, and the consciousness of doing wrong if he tries to do it on shabbat.

On a summer saturday afternoon, his soul is in dire straits : he was never so tempted of playing golf. The sky is blue, the grass is green, his clubs look at him with sardonic eyes... Finally, with great self-reproach and bad consciousness, he yields to temptation. He puts a fake beard on, sun glasses, and goes to the tee.

As he does this, the Lord is in the sky, looking at him very angrily. The first Angel is at the Lord's side, protesting, "Lord, look at this great Rabbi who goes playing golf on shabbat! This is shameful! This is a disgrace! This is a scandal! You MUST do something!"
God, in cold rage, answers, "Oh, don't worry, you bet I will do something."
And on they look on earth ...

After a while, the Rabbi is about to shoot the first ball. He raises his club, and...five hundred meters away, sends THE BALL DIRECTLY INTO THE HOLE!

The first Angel, astonished, looks at God, "What...what are you doing? This is the great Rabbi, playing golf on shabbat, which is a terrible sin, and yet you let him make the best shoot he ever did?!?" The Lord answers, "Yes...and to whom will he be telling it, eh?"

Wizard'sFirstRule October 15 2008 10:34 PM EDT

We all know girls take time and money....
Girls = time x money

And money = time....
time = money
So Girls = money^2

And the money is the root of all evil...
money = sqrt(evil)

Girls = sqrt(evil)^2
Girls = +/- evil

so, girls = evil or -evil (which I interpret as opposite of evil...)
Or girls = evil

Being a guy myself, I would like to believe that it is true. However, there is a fatal flaw in your logic.

Girls = sqrt(evil) ^

QBsutekh137 October 15 2008 11:43 PM EDT

Sarah Palin

BootyGod October 15 2008 11:44 PM EDT


3D October 16 2008 12:18 AM EDT

Go sut!

Cube October 16 2008 12:35 AM EDT

Sorry, Painkiller. Maybe you should review algebra =)

Also, sut -thumbs up-

InebriatedArsonist October 16 2008 1:28 AM EDT

One more for G_Beee:

A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty.

"Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked.

To which the barman replied, "they're waiting for happy hour."

NooneKnows October 16 2008 2:14 AM EDT

what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

...the holocaust.

Wizard'sFirstRule October 16 2008 4:19 AM EDT

Girls = sqrt(evil)^2

yes, I was tired, and must have treated the brackets wrong.

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] October 16 2008 4:44 AM EDT

Once upon a time there were three bears.....

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] October 16 2008 4:45 AM EDT

Now, there's thousands of them!

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] October 16 2008 4:48 AM EDT

I was stung be a bee yesterday. He wanted οΎ£20 for a jar of honey!

Last Christmas I went bob sleighing. I killed 20 Bobs.

A psychic Dwarf escaped from Prison. Next day the Police released a report that a small medium was at large.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He opened a warehouse.

Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] October 16 2008 4:50 AM EDT

did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He lay awake at wondering if there really was a Dog.

Mirick October 16 2008 5:59 AM EDT

Q: What is the difference between a crow and a raven?
A: It is a matter of a pinion.

Zoglog[T] [big bucks] October 16 2008 8:59 AM EDT

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

Two old women are sat on a bench chatting away
a nudist jogger runs past
one of the women had a stroke, the other one missed.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The barman says "What do you think this is, a joke?"

AdminTal Destra [C and S Forgery Lmtd.] October 16 2008 9:02 AM EDT

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

A Cop pulled a car over for speeding.

When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late.

The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Cop that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Cop told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car, and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Cop got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Cop observed him doing this, and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my butt to jail, cause there's NO way I will pass that test."

AdminTal Destra [C and S Forgery Lmtd.] October 16 2008 9:03 AM EDT

When I die I want to go like my Grandfather, in my sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

Hakai [Aye Phelta Thi] October 16 2008 11:49 PM EDT

So when are you calling this closed? ^_^

3D October 17 2008 12:11 AM EDT

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

This made me lol, I feel its PG enough, if it is not I apologize in advance.

Brakke Bres [Ow man] October 17 2008 3:40 AM EDT

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] October 17 2008 8:47 AM EDT

What was Bruce Lee's favorite drink?

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] October 17 2008 8:47 AM EDT


kevlar October 18 2008 3:20 AM EDT

2 of the best pick up lines:

Scenario 1

Dude: Hey baby.. your parents must be nuclear physisisssts!!
Babe: Why's that?? O_o
Dude: Because, baby... YO DA BOMB!!!
Babe: <3

Scenario 2

Dude: Hey baby.. if your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas... can I come visit between the holidays??
Babe: <3

Rexozord October 18 2008 4:29 AM EDT

I hate to correct you both Godwolf and Elite... both your arguments are flawed, or at least interpreted incorrectly.

You are both correct until you reach "Girls = sqrt(evil)^2".

However, both of you draw incorrect conclusions from this statement. Elite says that means Girls = evil. Godwolf says that means Girls = +/-evil. While Godwolf is closer to the correct answer, he's still a little off.

Girls = sqrt(evil)^2 => Girls = |evil|.

In verbal terms, Girls are the root of evil squared implies that Girls are absolute evil.

Thus Girls are not evil. Girls are absolute evil.

Colonel Custard October 18 2008 12:49 PM EDT

Actually, if girls take time AND money, that would mean that
Girls = time + money, not time x money. "And" means addition.

So then time=money, so
Girls = 2money

The love of money is the root of all evil, so loving half a girl is the root of all evil...

You then make the assumption that it is the square root, whereas it could be the 3rd or 4th root, or anything else, really. So
Evil = (Girl/2)^c, with c being an unknown constant.
So Girl = 2 * log c (Evil)

This is just not going anywhere that makes any sense...

Mesoshort October 18 2008 6:20 PM EDT

No no Kev... this is the best pickup line ever ;)

Dude: Excuse me, do you have a bandaid?
Babe: Why do you need a bandaid?
Dude: Because I scraped my knee falling for you =)
Babe: <3

Mesoshort October 18 2008 6:32 PM EDT

And actually, going off what everyone else did, here is a picture lost sent me a long time ago and I thought it was pretty funny and know you guys will enjoy it. ^_^

Admin{CB1}Slayer333 [SHIELD] October 20 2008 11:01 PM EDT

Sickone wins with:
"The credit crunch has hit Japan. Origami Bank has folded."

Windwalker takes second

honorable mention to Sut with Sarah Palin ;p

Obscurans October 20 2008 11:18 PM EDT

CC: actually interpreting your field of numbers to be GF(2), the logical operation of "and" is equivalent to multiplication :P ; addition is "xor".

Wizard'sFirstRule October 21 2008 3:26 AM EDT

as a guy those pickup lines seems very cheesy. certainly nothing I would say, unless someone can guarantee that would get me a girlfriend or something better.

Sickone October 21 2008 3:28 AM EDT

Wohoo, I finally won something \o/
Thanks a bunch !

SimplyNic October 21 2008 4:32 AM EDT

Lol even though its kind of over already.

2 guys walked into a bar, they should have ducked.

Zaekyr October 21 2008 6:43 AM EDT

My funny:

Go into a bar and pick a chic that you find attractive.

Go to her and sit at her table or next to her on a stool.

Look her in the eye and say...........................Pause

..................."20 bucks".

1. Then if she says "What kind of girl do you think I am"?

Reply: "I know what you are I was just haggling over price".

2. If she says "I'm not that cheap"

Reply: "I thought I might give you a discount since your so pretty".
This thread is closed to new posts. However, you are welcome to reference it from a new thread; link this with the html <a href="/bboard/q-and-a-fetch-msg.tcl?msg_id=002ZHZ">Post a joke</a>