Best Caption Contest (in Contests)

You guys have a better, creative imagination than I do, so I came here for your help! Whoever comes up with the funniest caption for this image will win $100,000 CBD.

More info:

• Anything is permitted. If you want to submit something non-PG, DO NOT post it here, unless you want to get banned. Instead, PM me your idea, or clean it up before posting.
• Old style/archaic/Shakespearean language preferred.
• Old style/archaic/Shakespearean translations of modern day phrases is also preferred.
• Phrases being spoken by the man in the picture are preferred (as opposed to just a caption that goes along with the man).
• Phrases being spoken by the man and the man only are preferred - that is, no two-way dialogue with another character off-canvas.

I'll choose a winner at the end of the week. Good luck! Let's see what you can come up with!

Lol the picture itself made me giggle. This is gonna be AWESOME!!!

I've seen Shakespearean edits of that pic before... shame I can't remember the funny quotes.

For clarification, I'm looking for original captions.

lol I love the expression on his face!

i got:

Move along citizen, you have no business here...
Hey, check you that picture I got with knives in Shades back...
Photons have mass? huh I didnt even know they were catholic!
Hey, cant you paint any faster, Im not exactly in my prime anymore!
Hiding bodies is a stress that everyone can relate wit
Duck tape will save your life
You've got to verb the adjective noun
The only sympathy I want from you is in the form of you crawling into bed with me!

the last two would be my official submissions.

oh wait...

Pimpin aint easy!

This might help:
http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker/index.html

Too bad they're not funny.

Ey I know you! Flogged your mum. ;)

Here are my captions, the link directs to the images I immediately thought of when I saw yours.

I want THOU for U.S. Army

Or, lol, much better:

Only thou can prevent forest fires.

Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.

You're doing it wrong.

the lady doth protest too much, methinks! ; )

I'd make it into a card with caption,

"Be mine, this Valentine's"

All great entries! So far I'm liking Cause Fear's entry "Photons have mass? huh I didnt even know they were catholic!" the best.

But the contest isn't over yet! Keep them coming!

Hey ladies... I'm off at 6

Check you later dude...

I'll pay you 1 million dollars to sleep with your wife...

Pull my finger..

Laudanum... Hell of a drug

Pray tell me what that is there betwixt thine ears... a face you say... how droll!

Fancy Lads (The original backdoor men)

To a fiery hell I damn thee heretic, yes you over there with the pox scars

An irreputible cad says what-est? Hah Gotcha!

No matter if it's up in the bath house, or down at the theater I am the miggidty mac and my concubines be the least disease ridden of them all

I say Mr. Franklin your trousers have come undone and a wee piglet has escaped through the barn door

Wouldst thou care for a dram of Steel Reserve? (Fancy Lad meets Ghetto Fab)

Prize of $100,000 sent to Cause Fear for his photons entry! Congrats!

I didn't mention a prize for second place in my original post, but I sent an additional $50,000 to novice for a couple other entries that made me chuckle. Congrats to you as well!

Thanks for your participation everyone :-)

wow great contest!