Best Joke Contest (in Contests)

Same as the title is. Post a joke you think is great and add an entry fee of $100. You automatically get 2 armor pieces (You can sell them back to the store if you want and will get more than $100). The winner is the one who submits the best joke as judged by myself. Don't worry I'm fair. The winner gets the rest of my cheap armors including Towers, HLA's, Kites, and SSBoots (the cap is 10). All the other armor that is not given away will be sold to the store.

Good luck and make me laugh!

I am adding basic armor to this contest also :)

alright, it's an oldy but a goodie:

guy walks into a bar and sees that there's a miniature man only a foot tall playing a miniature piano on the bar. He asks the bartender what the deal is, and the bartender replies "you won't believe this, but if you rub that moose head down there on the wall, your wish will come true". The man is skeptical, but he decides he's got nothing to lose, so he rubs the moose head and makes his wish, and suddenly the bar, the parking lot, everywhere is filled with ducks. "What the heck?, I wished for a million bucks". and the bartender says, "tell me about it, you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist!"

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks,
"and get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back
a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass
and bawls "and get me another whisky you idiot!" Quite upset, the girl
comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach
"I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now, moron, or I'll
give you a slap."

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and
thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "for someone who
can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"

These are great! So as of now Myth as sent his entry fee of $100. This will be sent back.

There is no entry fee now. Besides, I didn't specify to which character. So blah.

Anyway, The Everblacksky is now another judge.

there was once a remote island on which lived a tribe of pygmies, called the Tridd. For the most part they lived happily, except for one thing: also inhabiting the island was a large cyclops. Since time inmemorial, the tribe had lived in fear of the cyclops, who would every so often come into the village, take a few pygmies (a handfull sufficed) and punt them as far as he could into the ocean.

Now one day there came to the island a devout jew, who lived amongst them for a while, ministering to them, and generally doing what religious people do to convert people. One day the cyclops approached , and he happened to be nearby - when he saw what was happening he felt moved to help the poor pygmies, who were about to end of a fair distance out at sea... So he ran up to the cyclops and demanded:
- Spare them, please! If nothing else, kick ME instead!

the cyclops merely chuckled, as one might react to a child's naive question, and replied:
- Silly rabbi, KICKS are for TRIDDS!!!

Well there is a man right? and he is so happy cuz hes making his last child support payment of 5000. SO he says to his daughter, "go tell ur mom that i made my last payment and tell me the expression on her face." so she goes to her moms house and comes back. the dad says "so what was the expression on her face?" the daughter says ,"mommy told me to tell you that your not my father and she wants me to tell her the expression on your face."

ooooo burn gimme da money now !! lol

Great so far that's 4 people in only half a day too!:
mchaos
[SoV]Mythology
maulaxe
Bull3t F4c3[LoaningCBD]

Anyone else willing to join this contest?

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!! You went bowling again!!"

A guy walks into a Psychiatrist's office completely wrapped in plastic wrap and exclaims, "Doc, Doc, what's wrong with me? I can't stop wrapping myself in this stuff!!"

The Doctor takes one good look at him and simply replies," Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

Quite a few of these jokes are borderline or even blatantly non-pg imo...

I have no idea what imo means (How foolish of me.) But yes that is true. These jokes should be PG (At least I'm older than 13). Those who have submitted PG jokes will still get the armor but cannot win. Any who from now on post PG jokes will not get anything.

Oh and the contest ends this Saturday.

Which jokes were not PG? imo = in my opinion

I don't see anything here that is objectionable. Certainly nothing kids wouldn't say or hear at an elementary school playground.

Ok, send armors to Hillbilly, and same with the prize if i win.
I wasnt sure how many we could sybmit, but here are my 2 favorites:

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

10 Reasons Not To Jog
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

How about you all go back to FAQs-Terms of Use figure out which are non-pg.

So much for enforcement.

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:

Don't hit the ducks.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"

"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere.
Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?"

The one who had done it admitted "I did."

Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said.

"Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.

"I told you not to hit the ducks", he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"

The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.

The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"

"A sea gull crapped in my eye," the pirate replies.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

If we're allowed to submit 2 :

"Doctor Doctor! I think I'm a moth!" the doctor looks up,
"You're joking right?" the man looks down hearted,
"No one takes me seriously, please, I think I'm a moth! Help me please!" the Doctor starts to take the man more seriously;
"Hey look sorry, Im just a general practioner, you really need a pyschitrist to talk to" the man nods;
"Well I was on the way to see him, but I saw your light was on...."

:D

same ^^ (just in case)

A young executive is leaving the office late one evening when he finds the CEO standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in her hand.

"Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," says the young executive. He turns the machine on, puts the paper in, and hits the start button.

"Thanks." says the CEO as her paper disappears inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Q. Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. ...Because he was dead.

Yup, about as bad as the previous one...

This is somewhat off topic, and is truly not intended to be a wiseguy comment, I both understand and respect the desire to make CB a clean place, but while reading the FAQ regarding the PG-rating of this game, I was reminded of the Nutty Professor II, in which there is a scene involving a giant hamster and the dean of the university which I was shocked could make it into a pg-13 movie.

A blonde walks into a doctors office and says:

When i touch my head it hurts

He replies:

Well stop doing that then!
----------------------------------------------------
What's on top of seven eleven?

A roof buddy
----------------------------------------------------
What's in the middle of Texas?

An X
----------------------------------------------------
And no I'm not entering just putting my two cents in.

Great so far that's 9 people in only a day:
mchaos
[SoV]Mythology
maulaxe
Bull3t F4c3[LoaningCBD]
Smashure
BooDiggity
HellRazor22
thebloomdog12
Chargerz-Back

Anyone else willing to join this contest? Oh, and you can submit twice but only one will count for first prize (the best of course).

wait a minute, werent we supposed to get some free stuf just for entering, i never got mine :(

Sorry, not yet. I will send them on Saturday. "Automatically" meant without any thought to how good the joke is. But don't make lame jokes and post them for the armor. ;P

A Hard Leather Armor [6] (+3)
A Hard Leather Armor [6] (+1)
A Cloak [1] (+3)
A Cloak [1] (+3)
A Pair of Leather Boots [2] (+2)
A Pair of Leather Boots [2]
A Pair of Leather Gloves [1] (+4)

yeah like i have all that stuff just sitting around.....

A blonde went to electronic store and she asked, "How much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes." She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?" "Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."

SO... One day, a man walks into a bar....

Ouch.

what do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter he won't come when you call him anyways.

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

So I was driving down the street one day and I noticed a penguin lying off to the side, so I picked it up and drove to the police station. I asked the officer, "What should I do with this penguin? It was lying on the side of the road!" The officer hastily replies "Well, take it to the zoo, thats what!" So I run out and go to the zoo with the penguin.
The next day, that same officer sees me driving down the road with the penguin. He pulls me over and asks, "I thought you took that penguin to the zoo!?" I say, "Yes I did, and we had so much fun. Today, we're going to the museum!"
*drums and cymbals* :D

Okay 1 day left:
mchaos
[SoV]Mythology
maulaxe
Bull3t F4c3[LoaningCBD]
Smashure
BooDiggity
HellRazor22
thebloomdog12
Chargerz-Back
CBMan11
DizzyGuy
Smashure
RedWolf

Two fish are swimming down the river when one swims right into a wall and says "dam".

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?" The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, 7 nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?" She replies "Touchdown, tie score." The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."

A fairy is walking down the street when she comes across two statues. Oh dear, look at the poor loves, must be pritty damn boring just standing there all day. I know she screams and waves her wand three times. And the statues came to life. Now my freinds says the fairy, u now have one hour to do whatever u like. Thank u miss. Then both the statues went into the bushes and started making pressing noises:uuuu,aaaa,iiii,oooo, they didn't stop for about half an hour.Then they both came out and the first one said:So what we gonna do?We still got another half an hour! I know, this time u hold down the pigeons, and i'll poop on them.

Poo jokes, eh? Well, I personally think the second one should count out of your 3, Glory.

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed
out all of the tests and went back to his desk...

When the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The
professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill
to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point!"

The next class the professor returned the exams to the students. To
the student who had attempted to bribe him, he handed back his test
and $37 change.

Here are the real meanings of some commonly-used resume terms...

Phrase: I'm extremely adept at all manners of office organization.
Meaning: I've used Microsoft Office.


Phrase: I'm honest, hard-working and dependable.
Meaning: I pilfer office supplies.


Phrase: I take pride in my work.
Meaning: I blame others for any mistakes.


Phrase: I'm personable.
Meaning: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.


Phrase: I am very adaptable.
Meaning: I've changed jobs a lot.


Phrase: I am on the go.
Meaning: I'm never at my desk.


Phrase: I'm highly motivated to succeed.
Meaning: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy

To go outside, and there perchance to stay
Or to remain within: that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell.
To sit, to stare Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
As if transfixed by doubt.
To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten?
Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.

~shakespaw

two penguins, standing around on an ice-flow. Nothing for miles around except maybe more ice, and lots of water. One penguin waddles up to the other, and says -Hey, you know, with your feathers like that, it sorta looks like you're wearing a tuxedo...
the other penguin casts a sideways look back and says - What makes you think i'm not?


i know its sad, but this is my favorite joke...

Okay that's the end of the contest and judging is taking place the contestants are:
mchaos
[SoV]Mythology
maulaxe
Bull3t F4c3[LoaningCBD]
Smashure
BooDiggity
HellRazor22
thebloomdog12
Chargerz-Back
CBMan11
DizzyGuy
Smashure
RedWolf
Glory
RAMPAGE

TheEverblacksky and I, Tribute are currently deciding.

hahaha, mine were just little off-beat jokes to be different, glad to be one of the "finalist" =P

i vote mchaos for his 12 inch pianist joke , and i vote Smashure for his cigarette joke

TheEverblacksky and I, Tribute are currently deciding. I.E. Zach, shut up fool :p

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic
and so am I.

i thought this stuff was supposed to be send out and the winner be chosen today..

a clean shaven man with a tie on walks into a bar and sees a pretty girl. the man approaches the girl and says "hello you sure are pretty." the girl says " get away from me i dont talk to homeless freaks." the man walks away shocked and turns back to see the girl talking to a man asking for change. the man walks back toward the girl and asks "how did you know i was homeless?" the girl responds " all your wearing is a tie."

A bachelor goes to the store one day to pick up a few items, aftershave, frozen pizza, deodorant, condoms etc... When he gets to the checkout line there is a really hot girl checking out his groceries. She says "Hi" to which he replies "Hello". The girl then asks "You're single aren't you?" He says "Yes, How did you know?" (Thinking it was because of the things he was buying). She simply responds "Well...you're ugly."

Why did Tigger go down the toilet bowl?

To find Pooh. :-)

Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

Because they are ugly and they stink. =)

The winner is, though you may not all agree, Glory for the joke: A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?" The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, 7 nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?" She replies "Touchdown, tie score." The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Halftime, switch sides." It made me laugh the most. Some of them I didn't understand too well. Armor will be sent over now.

Finally done sending stuff. Glory got the best stuff and the most of course. The rest was random. Smashure was accidentally in the list twice and I made sure I did not send to him twice. Some items were sent to farm characters because of inventory limits.

Great job, those who participated! Did you think that was pretty good for a first try? Please reply with feedback (if that is within this forum's rules).

evenm though i didnt participate , i loved him. i laughed so hard at some of these jokes :P

That's good. I would really appreciate more comments and suggestions if possible.

Funny Funny Funny!