I was bored (very much so) and decided that I would find some funny stuff, post it here, and be not so bored :D
Don't hit me if its mean, hit google :D
You know you're living in 2005 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom
of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a
cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no # 9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a
# 9 on this list.
Hymn #365
A southern Baptist minister was completing a
temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I
had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, the preacher sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, `Shall We Gather at the River'"
US-Canada
Radio conversation between a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier, U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES'' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT''S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Rufus and Clarence
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks: Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sunup, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!" Clarence would shout, "You better thank your lucky stars that I can''t swim, er I''d swim this river and whup you!"
"Clarence!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can''t swim, er I''d swim this river and whup YOU!"
Every morning. Every day. For 20 years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers came along and built a bridge. But the insults went on every morning. Every day. Another five years.
Finally, Mrs. Rufus wife had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallered one day, "I can''t take no more! Every day for 25 years you''ve been threatenin'' to whup Clarence. Well, thar''s the bridge! Do it!"
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. "I''m gonna whup Clarence!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, then turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door, bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove under the bed.
"Rufus!" cried the missus. "I thought you was gonna whup Clarence!"
"I was, woman, I was!" he whispered.
"What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," whispered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I walked halfway over the bridge and saw a sign that said ''Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches.'' He ain''t never looked that big from the other side of the river!"
How to deal with Telemarketers
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I''m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
3. If they say they''re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don''t have any friends... would you be my friend?"
7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can''t sell to employees.
9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up.
10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don''t want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.
11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.
14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how''s your mom?"
16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder... louder...
17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
Men's Thesaurus: 1
"I''M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I''m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT''S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn''t dinner already on the table?"
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to ''F Troop'', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I''ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON''T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT''S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven''t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don''t spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: ""Please don''t try on one more outfit, I''m starving."
"I''M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
Men's Thesaurus: 2
We always hear"the rules"
from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note...these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You''re a big girl. If it''s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don''t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It''s like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That''s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won''t dress like the Victoria''s Secret girls, don''t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you''re fat, you probably are.
Don''t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing''s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don''t want an answer to, expect an answer you don''t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don''t ask us what we''re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Church Message Board Bloopers
~ Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
~ Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
~ Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
~ "Ladies, don''t forget the rummage sale. It''s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don''t forget your husbands."
~ The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
~ The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
~ Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
~ Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack''s sermons.
~ Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
~ Don''t let worry kill you off --let the Church help.
~ Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
~ Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
~ A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
~ At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Post your funny stuff here too, if you want : D
