~*Convince me why an arranged marriage is a bad thing...=p (in Contests)

{CB1ate}aupStar October 11 2005 10:52 PM EDT

1st Prize: 100k CB2$
*cold hard cash - touch your monitor and to feel it for yourself...;)*

2nd Prize: 2k

Relic October 11 2005 10:53 PM EDT

Well, you could always lift the veil and there could be a dude under there...

/me cringes...

BrandonLP October 11 2005 11:00 PM EDT

Or a dude down there.

QBOddBird October 11 2005 11:01 PM EDT

Arranged marriages are a terrible, terrible thing. One might argue that if a marriage were to be arranged, money issues and such could be avoided, and the two families are guaranteed to be happy with the arrangement. However, this is a flawed idea. The fact is, if you begin as a parent saving for the marriage that will most likely occur for your child early, there are no money issues. Not only that, but the two families may have a disagreement - but then they are bound by the arranged marriage that will soon happen between the children. Not only that, but love is an important factor in marriage. Not love, like the kind of love where they stare into each others' eyes and coo, "I love you so much, you make me so happy..!" - but the kind of love where making THEM happy is what brings you joy. I feel that there's somebody waiting for everyone, and an arranged marriage causes you to be restricted to one predetermined person - what if this is the wrong person? What if you fall in love with the right person, and are bound by your arranged marriage? This could cause tension, conflict, hatred, and other problems both between spouses and the families of the arranged married couple. Even if there wasn't someone waiting for everyone, personalities at very least cannot conflict, and there's not much chance that the person chosen for you will fit with your personality extremely well. There's the fact that, though it isn't 100% necessary, and a relationship should never be based upon it, physical attraction is nearly a must, and *always* a plus. You aren't guaranteed an attractive wife if your marriage is arranged. There's also likes, dislike, hobbies, pet peeves, and multiple other things that can cause conflict in an arranged marriage - though these things are never completely avoided in a conventional marriage, they are less likely to occur and with less frequency. The fact is, arranged marriages are not worthwhile because they offer no better solution, do not solve any problems within a marriage, and a conventional marriage is superior anyways because it brings about greater happiness. This is extremely important when picking someone who you intend to spend the rest of your entire life with - after all, what if you have to spend it with someone you absolutely hate, instead of someone you adore with all your being?

{CB1ate}aupStar October 11 2005 11:02 PM EDT

lol...you need to elaborate a bit more to get the 1st prize....=p

But second prize, doesn't require much elaboration so you may be in with a chance...;)

wldflr October 11 2005 11:07 PM EDT

You could forget her/his name during an intimate moment :)
(Arranged or not, then you're dead!)

AdminNightStrike October 11 2005 11:09 PM EDT

You'll need to clarify to what degree of arrangement you are reffering. Arranged marriages range from being totally transparent to the child in question (before birth, even, families may agree that their children will marry) to parents just aiding in the decision on who to pick by having heightened interaction with the couple. There are multitudes of degrees of "arrangement" in between the extremes, though most all have been proven to be quite successful.

That said, there are definite downsides; first clarify what type of arrangement you mean.

QBOddBird October 11 2005 11:11 PM EDT

hold up - I have to elaborate *more*?

BrandonLP October 11 2005 11:24 PM EDT

I think he was referring to Glory and me. ;) And if that's the case, I'll have to elaborate via CMs.

{CB1ate}aupStar October 12 2005 12:01 AM EDT

Thanks for clarifying that for me Brandon...=) Sorry about that oddbird. Your reply was more than sufficient for someone going for 1st prize. Although, I wouldn't mind a longer statement..hehe Even so, a response will not be judged by the quantity of the response per se. It will have more to do with the quality of the response (i.e., your ability to persuade).

In reply to NightStrike, you are correct in saying that there are many extremes. I'm specifically looking for arguments against a more moderate approach where the selection process is aided by the parents.

Relic October 12 2005 12:01 AM EDT

What is to elaborate about in regards to my post? I think it pretty much sums up the worst that could happen with an arranged marriage and Brandon only furthers the point. :P

Gilgamesh2090 [NCB Shop] October 12 2005 12:41 AM EDT

sounds like a school assignment is up for auction

Special J October 12 2005 2:04 AM EDT

Because removing self choice from anything negates self responsibility of the outcome and lowers the self worth of a person.

{CB1ate}aupStar October 12 2005 4:05 AM EDT

Gilgamesh2090...I'm studying engineering at university..

The closest question to what I've asked would probably be "how would you marry iron and aluminium into an alloy?" =p

NB: The engineering question is purely hypothetical.

AdminG Beee October 12 2005 8:20 AM EDT

After a few months of marriage (based on your own choice) you all too often discover it's a bad thing.
God alone knows how much worse it would be if you didn't actually get to pick your own particular partner in the first place.

/me shudders...

Although in saying that I've tried to arrange an alternative marriage for wifey on a few occasions but alas - they keep sending her back :/

Caedmon [Revenge of the Forgers] October 12 2005 9:39 AM EDT

Well, if the wedding isn't arranged, nobody will know where to stand, or who says what...trust me, improv weddings aren't as glamorous as you might think. :)

QBRanger October 12 2005 9:51 AM EDT

Would you ever buy a car without a test drive?

QBJohnnywas October 12 2005 9:53 AM EDT

lol at Ranger.

test drive... =)

BrandonLP October 12 2005 9:59 AM EDT

LoL @ Caedmon.

That could possibly be the funniest thing I've heard all week.

QBOddBird October 12 2005 10:18 AM EDT

a test drive, Ranger?


miteke [Superheros] October 12 2005 12:04 PM EDT

I'm afraid I'll have to weigh in on both sides.

Arranged Marriage benefits:
1) The parents generally DO know better when choosing a mate, particularly if the pair is young.
2) People are idiots when it comes to romance. If you marry because you are 'in love', what happens when 2 years down the line you aren't feeling the same way and that fun-loving bundle of everything-that-is-good turns out to be a credit-card waving maniac.
3) You are much more likely to get a spouse that will enjoy a trip to his/her in-laws.

Chosen Marriage benefits:
1) You select someone you know you are attracted to. It would completely suck to get married off to someone you are not attracted to.
2) Sometimes the parents can choose a partner that is to their advantage instead of yours. It happens!
3) You don't have to grow in love, you start that way.

But really, in spite of all that, a marriages success is 90% commitment. I hate to tell you this but I can assure you that there are some nasty marriage breaking laws:

1) You will not be the same person you are in 5 years.
2) He or she will not be the same person they are in 5 years.

In particular the man will generally become less romantic. Count on it. All those sweet and romantic things he did are cut significantly. This is natural so don't bother complaining about it.

The woman will become less and less attractive. Sometimes dramatically so in a short period of time. Having children will often change a womans matabolism and cause them to become fat. And once they got their man they don't have the incentive to stay trim (not to mention the havok a baby plays with exercising). It goes both ways guys. You stopped being as romantic, remember!

The corollary to these laws for marriage success are:

1) You have to love the spouse for who they are.
2) You have to commit to loving your spouse when they change.
3) They have to love you for who you are.
4) They have to commit to loving you for who you become.

Thus you often end up in the same situation you would have had with an arranged marriage - saddled with a woman you never really chose.

My suggestion - whichever route you take stick it out and choose to love your spouse. One of the best parts about being married is knowing you are loved even though they know all your dark secrets. Mercy and forgiveness are the lynchpins of a successful mariaige (not to mention saying you're worry a lot).

QBOddBird October 12 2005 12:52 PM EDT

Excellent response, but it doesn't seem like you convinced him it was a *bad* thing, per se...

Maelstrom October 12 2005 2:35 PM EDT

I have a bad habit of playing the devil's advocate, so I'll argue the other side here.

I have a lot of friends from India, some of whom will be returning to India for arranged marriages within a year, and some who are here in Canada with their spouses from arranged marriages.

The general impression they give me is that an arranged marriage is just as "bad" as a "love" marriage. Think of it: when you marry a person, everything changes, whether it was arranged or for love.

When you marry a person for love, you expect them to stay the same, that you will get along, and so on - you know how they work. Or rather, how they _don't_ work.

When you go into an arranged marriage, you normally don't have any expectations from the person, and you normally don't love them. When you get to know a person as a spouse, and not first as a friend, you learn to love them as they are, not as they were. In other words, there aren't really any expectations to be let down, and you can't fall out of love when the person changes, because you didn't love them in the first place.

In many modern arranged marriages, the parents would choose your potential spouse, and you would get to know them a bit, and have the option to refuse the marriage. Thus you probably wouldn't get forced into marrying a person who is horribly ugly, whether in appearance or in personality.

The major disadvantage of an arranged marriage is that you might never fall in love with the person, though this isn't as common as you might think.

Statistically, arranged marriages last longer than "love" marriages, though that may be because arranged marriages normally occur in cultures where divorce is frowned upon.

[Tranquility]-USDForger [Azn Forgesmith] October 12 2005 5:29 PM EDT

I support arranged marriage all the way.
Especially few of them at the same time.

Thraklight Resonance October 12 2005 6:54 PM EDT

A major disadvantage of an arranged marriage is your complete inability to control who you receive as your in-laws. India continues to have problems with in-laws who, if they aren't satisfied with the bride price that they receive from the parents of their daughter-in-law, are also happy to arrange for the "accidental" death of the daughter-in-law so that their son can marry again for another bride price.

48Zach October 12 2005 6:58 PM EDT

lol nice ranger

{CB1ate}aupStar October 13 2005 3:18 AM EDT

Hey, some great responses so far. Keep up the good work...=)

Although, I doubt ranger tries his toothpaste before he buys it...;) j/k

thrakattack has a point, but the dowry doesn't have anything to do with arranged marriages and is also technically illegal in india.

{CB1ate}aupStar October 13 2005 11:49 PM EDT

Winner will be announced Saturday night...=)

AdminQBVerifex [Serenity In Chaos] October 14 2005 4:28 AM EDT

In an arranged marriage, when you get old, you know your significant other will want to kill you and might go ahead and do it. Versus, the naturally occurring marriage, where when you get old, you might want to kill them, but you'll probably just play CB instead and get it off your chest.

Rommel [Darkest Hour] October 14 2005 10:55 AM EDT

marriage is a commitment, anyone who enters a marriage based on emotion if doomed to failure (whether that be devorce or a life of unhappyness) the only way for a marriage to be successfull is for both participants to do it willingly and commit to staying forever together. so an arranged marriage has little different from a marriage by choice. (assuming both participants agree with their parents authority which is usually the case in areas that support arranged marriages). neither nor are bad per say, any more than christianity is worse than judeaism. both are systems of belief interposed upon by financial and political neccessities. The only real advantage of marriage by choice is the ability to choose the phyisical apearence of your partner. in a true love relationship this is of little consequence. beauty is only skin deep. besides, any intelligent parent would not arrange a marriage that completely went against the child's wishes, as the parents only stand to gain from the marriage if the married agree to make it work. but i don't trust my parents to be so capable or intelligent so i will choose my own spouse ; )~

{CB1ate}aupStar October 17 2005 12:46 AM EDT

So sorry about the delay all. I've been really busy with my exam preparation lately.

Due to so many great responses I found it impossible to decide who the winner could be....o_O Faced with such a dilemma I ended up asking an old clan mate Biscuitback to judge the winner of this contest. I would like to thank him a lot for what he has done...=)

Without further deliberation I would like to congratulate... *drum roll*
ODDBIRD in winning this contest...^_^

Couldn't decide who came second so I've decided to just send 2k to everyone who contributed to this contest...=) Thank you all for giving me this great insight into this difficult question.

QBOddBird October 17 2005 12:47 AM EDT

yay! free money, now I'm happy!

[T]Vestax October 17 2005 1:43 AM EDT

I'm not going to play Devil's advocate here nor will I use the more direct approach. However, when it comes to the act of marriage it may be better to have little to no choice in the matter. The introduction of choice in marriage is problematic. Once one gets to choose their mate they then become responsible for what happens during the marriage. The price paid in pain for cheating becomes much more severe. The expectation of love and affection is also much higher. You made a choice and so to be unaffectionate or unfaithful then becomes taboo.

Marriage itself has always been arranged when you follow its roots. The fact that it developed this way may indeed explain why an arranged marriage might be better then one made for love. When did this conception of marrying for love develop in the first place anyhow? If I remember correctly, women who did not marry went to convents long ago. When the Catholic Church's power wained in Europe the convents became closed and there was a flood of available women. But there was not enough money to promise a dowry for each and every wife-to-be. So instead the idea of marriage because of love was developed to alleviate this problem.

But like I said I am not here to play devil's advocate. I'm here to win this contest I suppose. You sort of leave out where exactly this marriage is taking place and by what religious authority, if any. I will assume the marriage will take place within the United States because that is what I'm most familiar with. According to the law of this country you are bound to your spouse financially and somewhat legally. Marriage is not really a relevant issue when it comes to the right to raise children, the children usually go to the mother anyhow. Aside from being able to claim each other on your taxes and a few other privileges like being able to visit your hospitalized spouse as a family member, there exists no other real tangible reason to marry as far as I know.

There are plenty of reasons for a couple to live together, to sleep together, to have children, to visit each other's families during the holidays. But you need not be married for any of this to happen. Seriously, I think there to be more cons to being legally and financially bound to an individual who may indeed become another person down the road then there are pros. The only other reason I can see is a spiritual one where you believe your marriage to be ratified as a real thing that will matter in the kingdom of whatever. But I'm not about to argue for or against a religious belief since that would be a pointless endeavor to prove an unprovable point.

My conclusion is this. It does not matter to me whether the marriage be arranged or not in the end. In all honesty I think it better to not be married at all. Vows can still made. Two people can still come to love each other and produce a happy and healthy family. Why should you then allow a third party to set the terms of your relationship?

Special J October 17 2005 1:47 AM EDT

Vestax makes a few good points, but to me marriage represents more than vows, it is the act of two people showing devotion for one another. Letting the rest of the world know that the person is spoken for, if it is a true marriage and not one that is going to last a few months and end up in a bitter divorce.
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