Your thoughts about this very short story? (in Off-topic)

Sir Leon [Soup Ream] July 28 2006 12:12 AM EDT

Something i just wrote up because i was just in one of those moods. Sentence structure sucks etc. I dont want to hear anything negative on this thread. If you want to flame me do it via cm. Not in public. Again, this didnt take long and was rushed.

You may have to read it twice to get a good feel for it.

I close my eyes and think silently to myself.

Its dark, I'm anxious, walking through nothingness, I see I see someone, im not sure who it is. I walk closer, im behind a bush peeping, looking at you. You're sitting on a rock looking down behind it. I'm not sure what you're looking at. I look around and don't see anyone. I trip and stumble through the bushes and you jump up. I smile with embarrassment as I rise to my feet. I stutter and barley manage to say Hello. You chuckle and say hi. Then you look back down behind the rock. I ask what you're looking at. You don't move. I ask once more. Growing impatient I look myself. Guess some things just aren't meant...

What did you see//think when you read this?
I'm just curious as to what others see and what i saw when i wrote this.


Zacharia Andrew Pa!n July 28 2006 12:13 AM EDT

I was thinking about watching a small spider as he makes his web as I often sit and do.

velvetpickle July 28 2006 12:16 AM EDT

liking the story Leon....

Wish I could write :)

Mem July 28 2006 1:11 AM EDT

I see a thousand and one ways to make this better, although that doesn't mean it is without potential. It's a very powerful introspective peice. I dare say you could elaborate with great effect. Unfortunately for me, I tend to get lost in spelling and grammar mistakes so I can't say that the story had any personal relevance to me, but on the whole I liked it. If you'd like to hear any of those thousand and one ways to make it better I'm only a CM away...

Mem July 28 2006 1:11 AM EDT

And I'm sure you'll jump at the chance to heed my advice when I can't even spell 'piece' correctly...

Stephen Young July 28 2006 5:48 AM EDT

The whole part about "You chuckle and say hi," followed by "I ask what you're looking at. You don't move," was creepy to me for some reason.... Then I saw the dead body behind the rock and understood why.

Xiaz on Hiatus July 28 2006 6:00 AM EDT

I think you should leave _me_ alone. :P

Seriously though, didn't really have any reaction to it.

AdminShade July 28 2006 7:08 AM EDT

While on holiday I'm going to write 1 out of 3 versions of a short movie script my friends and I will be filming.

This short story has some nice impressions :)

QBBarzooMonkey July 28 2006 9:04 AM EDT

I see the object of your affection preoccupied with watching some (unspecified) baby animals playing together. Since they're babies, your stumbling through the bush didn't scare them away, and I see a happy ending (but I'm a hopeless optimist)


Sir Leon [Soup Ream] July 28 2006 11:59 AM EDT

Thanks for the feed back! I still want more!


If this helps at all

When you see a Comma, simply pause breifly.

QBsutekh137 July 28 2006 1:04 PM EDT

I see yourself behind the rock. You have stumbled out, but somehow, you are still there behind the rock, too. A time paradox perhaps? A ghost?

I like the tone and I like the voice of the piece. Also like the fact that it could be fleshed out into a short story of sorts, or have a format change to become more of a rides that fine line, which I think is very cool.

NSFY July 28 2006 2:16 PM EDT

I don't think that you should be peeping - it has a negative connotation. Perhaps you could be peering ? How about peeing ? You are behind a bush, after all. And then when you are caught peeing, you could freeze up and tip over!

I should be an editor. Maybe after I retire from ombudsmaning.

Slashundhack [We Forge Our Own Stuff] July 29 2006 12:10 AM EDT

At first blush I thought the unseen thing something dead ,to much tv I guess .But on the 3rd read I thought it had to be that persons lover and you and the other were never to be . Not that I know much about writing unless you can pick up something from reading tons of sci-fi & fantasy.

Sir Leon [Soup Ream] August 2 2006 4:03 AM EDT

I still want more info, C'mon people!

/me would think Bast would have some input on this...

QBBast [Hidden Agenda] August 2 2006 4:10 AM EDT

You put rather a lot of restrictions on what you wanted by way of feedback. :P

Sir Leon [Soup Ream] August 2 2006 4:54 AM EDT

"If you want to flame me do it via cm"

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