25k Pizza Slicer Poem Contest... (in Contests)

GO PATS December 14 2006 1:07 PM EST

I don't know how to run a contest so I'll just put up my rules...
1. Write a poem about a (circular) pizza slicer...
2. If it's in Dutch (not german!) you get extra points...
3. If it's in Dutch... translate to English so I can grade it... :)
4. If it's not even remotely humorous you get extra points.
5. If it's between 311 and 420 characters you get extra points... (but I won't be counting any of these poems, so don't count on these extra points unless you count for me...)
6. I'll pick a winner tomorrow...

25k to the winner...
I'm gonna write one, but I won't consider myself for the prize... unless noone else enters...

GO PATS December 14 2006 1:17 PM EST

O, Pizza Slicer, my Pizza Slicer,
What would I do without your power,
Over the fingee burning cheese,
Over the fingee burning cheese?

O, Pizza Slicer, Round and Shiny,
How I love you, let me count the ways,
One... Two...
Ok, I love you two ways...

One like a brother, and one like my lover,
If you weren't so sharp and my brother I'd marry you.
O, Pizza Slicer, cut to your hearts content!
And I will wash you with my tongue when you are cool.

(Between 311 and 420) + 2 points... Humorous... - 4 points... Bad Humor... - 5 points... Awful awful awful poem that doesn't Rhyme.. + 6 points... (You'll never understand my point system... nevermind... )

Total Score... -1.

AdminQBnovice [Cult of the Valaraukar] December 14 2006 1:27 PM EST

stainless blade sharpened
wheel cuts cheese cracks crust breaks bone
keep fingers behind the blade

GO PATS December 14 2006 1:29 PM EST

A poem without the word O and a comma after it? Hmm... extra points!

QBOddBird December 14 2006 1:32 PM EST

Dear Pizza Slicer,
You have captured my heart
What a work of art
circular, yet cylinder
I see my reflection and thrill in her
Yes, I see me in you
That's why I say 'ooh, ooh!'
My greatest love, pizza slicer
is for you

IndependenZ December 14 2006 2:01 PM EST

Pizzakoerier, pizzakoerier,
waar ga je heen met die pizza shoarma?
Pizzakoerier, kom eens hier!
Want ik sta hier in mijn pyjama
en ik maak me toch een drama
want ik wacht al een kwartier!

Pizzakoerier, pizzakoerier,
geef je mij die pizza nu gratis?
Pizzakoerier, kom nou hier!
Ik heb geen zin in deze ergernis
die pizza is al lang geschiedenis
ik sta hier niet voor mijn plezier!

Pizzakoerier, pizzakoerier,
krijg ik een ronde pizzasnijder?
Van Ali Shoarma's schapendier,
de smakelijke verleider.
Wat ben jij een zondagsrijder,
ik ga voortaan naar de poelier!

Yes, that's all Dutch. Here's the translation:

Pizza delivery boy, pizza delivery boy,
where are you going with my pizza shoarma?
Pizza delivery boy, come here!
Because I'm standing here in my pyjama's
and I'm making such a drama
because I'm already waiting fifteen minutes!

Pizza delivery boy, pizza delivery boy,
will you give me the pizza for free now?
Pizza delivery boy, come here now!
I'm not looking for any trouble
that pizza is already history
I'm not waiting here for the fun of it!

Pizza delivery boy, pizza delivery boy,
can I have a circular pizza slicer?
From Ali Shoarma's sheepy animal
the tasteful seducer.
You are such a bad driver,
from now on I'll go to the chicken butcher!

It's way better in Dutch though. Hope you enjoyed yourself!

GO PATS December 14 2006 2:04 PM EST

Wow... good job... +26 points for being in Dutch... -4 points for only mentioning pizza slicer once... but I'll give you +4 pts. for the "Tasteful Seducer" line... good stuff...

AdminShade December 14 2006 3:45 PM EST

pizzasnijder hier, pizzassnijder daar,
en een dikke pizzaboer zonder al te veel haar,
heerlijke pizza's recht uit de oven,
heerlijke pizza's echt neem ze naar boven!

Pizza's met shoarma (hmmm), pizza's met kaas,
pizza's met anchovis, pizza's zijn de baas!

Pizzasnijder door de bodem en ook door salami,
pizza's zijn heel lekker, zelfs met wat bami,
pizzasnijders heb je nodig, toch niet altijd,
maar pizza's heb je nodig, dat is een feit!

= = = = =

Pizzaslicer here, pizzaslicer there,
and a big pizzabaker, without too much hair,
delicious pizzas straight from the oven,
delicious pizzas take them above! (if you live in an appartment of course ;) )

Pizzas with shoarma, pizza with cheeze,
pizzas with anchovis, pizzas are the breeze! (or rock, though that doesn't rhyme)

Pizzaslicer through the bottom and also through salami,
Pizzas are yummy, even with some bami,
pizzaslicers are what you need, though not all the time,
but pizza's are what we need, and that's a fact! (sorry no rhyme in English)

QBBarzooMonkey December 14 2006 4:33 PM EST

"sweetie!" called i,
"where is the pizza slicer?
not the tomato dicer
nor the potato ricer,
no, nothing would be nicer,
save the slicer of pizza,
so sleek and so round.
for a hot pizza awaits me,
and hunger, it baits me
only the pizza slicer will do
if only i had the tiniest clue.
a knife, it will tear
a saw, don't go there
oh where, oh where?
the dishwasher? the dry rack?
oh misery, it grows cold!
where is that slicer, so round and so bold!"
but what do i see, in the junk drawer,
in the back?
could it be the utensil whose love i so lack?
pizza slicer, heaven's tool, i've found you at last!
man, this is good pizza!
mmmpphhn, mmm, mmmm
something that rhymes with last...

QBSefton [Black Cheetah Bazaar] December 14 2006 5:09 PM EST

O Pizza Slicer O Pizza Slicer
How lovely is your handle

Your stainless steel, so you will not rust
Your the only Pizza Cutting tool I trust

O Pizza Slicer O Pizza Slicer
How lovely is your wheel

If you you get dull, I will sharpen you
if parts get loose I will use some glue

O Pizza Slicer O Pizza Slicer
How shiny is your finish

Originally written in Dutch and translated here for your convienance. It is exactly between 311 and 420 characters. And it is a serious poem written about a serious love for pizza cutters.

QBBast [Hidden Agenda] December 14 2006 5:13 PM EST

Back story!

[RoninOgre(MooshLooLoo)] How you doing so far, Faux? Need anything?
[bartjan] Like the salt? ;)
* Miandrital just finished breakfast :)
* Bast is considering pizza.
* bartjan bought a pizza slicer today ;)
[Bast] A wheel?
[bartjan] yeah
* Bast giggles. Congrats!
[bartjan] Christmas present for my brother...
[RoninOgre(MooshLooLoo)] Mmmmm Pizza... I chopped off part of my pinky at work with one of those.
[RoninOgre(MooshLooLoo)] Needless to say, had to make a new pizza...
[bartjan] A tradition usually done at "Sinterklaas" (December 5th) is to draw a random name to buy (small) presents for, and give those together with a poem. This time we do it with family at christmas...
[Bast] So you are composing an Ode to the Pizza Wheel, as well?
[bartjan] Still need to make that poem. Will ask local pizza shop if they can give me a pizza box for gift packaging ;)
[Bast] So classy, Bart! Not using a used box.
[bartjan] Well, I have more gifts, and possibly do the main poem for another gift ;)
[RoninOgre(MooshLooLoo)] I'm gonna write a poem about a pizza slicer.. lets make a contest.
[RoninOgre(MooshLooLoo)] You can give them all as a gift!
[Bast] In Dutch?
[RoninOgre(MooshLooLoo)] Ooo... that might be tough...
[RoninOgre(MooshLooLoo)] I'd have a better shot at German.
[RoninOgre(MooshLooLoo)] Or is that the same thing?
[Bast] Shade is the automatic winner if Bart doesn't enter?
[RoninOgre(MooshLooLoo)] Dutch and Deutche?
[Bast] No, Dutch and German are two different languages.
[RoninOgre(MooshLooLoo)] Phooey.
[RoninOgre(MooshLooLoo)] I'm writing it in English... you translate if it's good enough.

*Edited for brevity and Bart's commentary on his grandmother's undergarments.

AdminQBnovice [Cult of the Valaraukar] December 14 2006 5:16 PM EST

Hah I was on topic even!

bartjan December 14 2006 5:20 PM EST

For those that care, that image looks almost exactly like the slicer I bought (same brand, but the model I bought is not curved).

GO PATS December 14 2006 5:54 PM EST

Thanks for the backstory, Bast! I didn't even think of it...

These are some great ones, I like to read the ones in Dutch to see how awful my pronunciation is...

Keep em coming, this is a close contest!

I'm upping the prize, too... 25,006 now! Kidding... I'll make it 50k because who doesn't need extra CB$?

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] December 15 2006 3:32 AM EST

De Snijmachine van de pizza! Daar niets aardiger! Wie kon een pizzageheel eten? Besnoeiing het in plakken, met uw Snijmachine van de Pizza. Een beetje tegelijkertijd, dat uw doel! Gevulde korst. Diepe Pan. Itallian. Vierkant. Ik sneed hen allen! Zonder mijn Snijmachine van de Pizza, zou ik hongerig gaan. Maar u moet niet alleen het op Pizza gebruiken. Het is een dergelijk prachtig hulpmiddel! Om het even welk soort voedsel, document, en mensen. Allen krijgen besnoeiing met mijn mooie snijmachine! De Snijmachine van de pizza! Daar niets aardiger! Rondschrijven in ontwerp. Rond gemaakt en scherp, let op de bladdraai. Ik wil u al mijn zijn!

409 charcaters.

Pizza Slicer! There's nothing nicer!
Who could eat a pizza whole?
Cut it into slices, with your Pizza Slicer.
A bit at a time, that's your goal!
Stuffed crust. Deep Pan. Itallian. Square.
I cut them all!
Without my Pizza Slicer, I would go hungry.
But you don’t just need to use it on Pizza.
It's such a marvelous tool!
Any kind of food, paper, and people.
All get cut with my lovely slicer!
Pizza Slicer! There's nothing nicer!
Circular in design.
Rounded and sharp, watch the blade turn.
I want you to be all mine!

362 characters.

QBJohnnywas December 15 2006 3:47 AM EST

My Pizza Slicer
Without you pizza too big
my mouth is too small


AdminShade December 15 2006 6:10 AM EST

I will translate GentlemanLoser's last entry back to English from his Dutch version, this should be hilarious!

The slicing machine of the pizza! There is nothing more nice! Who could eat a pizza whole?
Pruning it in slices, with your slicing machine of the pizza!
A bit at the same time, that is your goal!
Filled crust. Deep pan. Italian. Square. I cut them all!
Without the slicing machine of the pizza, I would go hungry.
But you shouldn't only use it on pizza. It is a wonderful kind of thing!
It doesn't matter what kind of food, documents or people. All will get pruning with my pretty slicing machine!
The slicing machine of the pizza! There is nothing more nice! Write in circles in design. Made round and sharp, watch the leaf turning! I want you to be my all!

AdminG Beee December 15 2006 6:52 AM EST

A pizza is a yummy thing,
That fills you full of cheer.
Cheese, olives and some garlic too,
but don't forget the beer.

But why one pizza as a whole,
When best there is a slice.
For that a big round shiny cutter,
Will complete the job just nice.

A shiny slicer is by far,
The one that bartjan likes.
Of course he's weird and lives abroad,
In the land that's full of dykes.

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] December 15 2006 7:05 AM EST

:D Shade, I prefer that version!

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] December 15 2006 7:07 AM EST

"All will get pruning with my pretty slicing machine!"


GO PATS December 15 2006 11:17 AM EST

Ok, I'll end this contest now, and I am very happy with the results! I actually got people to write poems about a pizza slicer... my first step in my plan for world domination... Next comes swallowing a school sized chalkboard whole and the awesome powers that come with it... then... the world...

Ok, I've come to the judging, and I've come up with two winners... GentlemanLoser got the most points for 1st place, and Shade gets 1.3rd place for best translation to translation to translation... I'm awful at math but I think that's about a 62/38 split... So GL gets 31k and Shade 19k. Enjoy, fellers, I sure enjoyed the poems... Deep stuff, man, deep stuff...

GO PATS December 15 2006 11:19 AM EST

Call Me Moosh (D.U.I.) Shade (Morgoth Bauglir) $19000 11:18 AM EST
Call Me Moosh (D.U.I.) QBGentlemanLoser (Ægis) $31000 11:18 AM EST

Now I'm BROKE! But, good times good times...

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] December 15 2006 11:50 AM EST

:D Thanks! ;)

AdminShade December 15 2006 12:10 PM EST

Thanks :D


bartjan December 22 2006 2:50 PM EST

See this for what I most likely will print out (color laser, I hope the fonts will come out better on paper than the pdf) and use to accompany the present. The slicer will be packaged in a (unused) pizza box, gift wrapped. Thank you for your creative input.

Don't worry, for the other gifts I will write a poem on my own ;)

In our country, it's a custom to draw names of a friend or family member to buy gifts to give on "pakjesavond". For logistics reasons, we do this for our family during Christmas instead. Who has to buy presents for who is a secret, and part of the fun ;)

AdminQBnovice [Cult of the Valaraukar] December 22 2006 3:05 PM EST


GO PATS December 22 2006 3:09 PM EST

Awesome... I'd love to get that as a gift! I'd want an actual pizza too though... Extra cheese / Pepperoni / A little well done...

CM me for shipping info. ;)

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] December 22 2006 5:23 PM EST

I want to laugh and cry at the same time! :D
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