Why I want some goats (in Off-topic)

NSFY February 19 2008 1:01 PM EST

I like this story about goats. I didn't use to like goats but now that I know about fainting goats and after reading this story I'm convinced more than ever that I need some. At least with the tip over goats you can startle them if they get too annoying with their taunts. Goat Story

AdminLamuness February 19 2008 1:12 PM EST

I would like a chicken. They make great pets. They're useful. And if you ever get hungry, they provide nourishment if you know what I mean.

QBsutekh137 February 19 2008 2:00 PM EST

Great story, but the author fails to mention one animal on the farm which is truly the most powerful, intelligent, and horrific creature alive: The Hog.

A hog could eat a goat for breakfast. It will gnaw on the corpses of its own kind, probably after having killed it itself with exhaustion or simply piling on it until it dies. Hogs are insane and shrewd, and don't mind any sort of dirt, grime, or fecal matter. It's all the same to the hog.

And power? I once saw a 200-pound butcher topple my 200-pound brother like he was Fisher-Price bowling pin (you know, those yellow hollow plastic types). If you let swine get its snout under something, it will lift it. Gates, humans, tractors, other hogs...doesn't matter. The neck of a hog is raw power. And tasty when not raw.

Does this power come with a speed trade-off? Indeed, no. Hogs can run very fast, and when you are in their way, you will no longer be standing. You will just be lying on the ground watching the backside of the pork moving away from you. Quickly.

Now let's talk fertility (to take over the world, it is going to take a lot of hogs). Try this on for size: the gestation period of a sow is 114 days. Remember the rule of threes -- "three months, three weeks, three days." And get all those lame single-offspring mammals out of here... A sow can pump out massive litters, fifteen piglets at once is not at all uncommon. Eight or nine is a small bunch. According to the Alberta Pork Congress, 34 pigs in a littler is the record. Each piglet with cute little tails and eight needle-sharp teeth _at birth_.

And hogs are tough. They get huge, and their attitude makes their size look puny. I'm not even going to tell you the hammer story, but let me just say I have never seen 16 ounces of hardened steel do so little damage to a life form before, during, or since the incident. Maybe it did have an effect -- to just make the sow meaner.

Don't get me wrong. I like goats too. They're cute. And the toppling thing is a nice failsafe. Wish there was something similar that worked on hogs. Then again, if a hog topples, it's probably going to do some damage on the way down.

That's the nature of the hog.

QBBast [Hidden Agenda] February 19 2008 2:38 PM EST

The fertility rate of the hog being somewhat less impressive given the infant mortality rate. From my reading of the helpfully-posted signs in the farrowing exhibit, most offspring will die of a sound squashing if their dear mother isn't penned-up such that she can't roll over on them.

QBsutekh137 February 19 2008 2:47 PM EST

Which is why farrowing houses are especially built so that doesn't happen (much), dear. *smile*

Even in our somewhat antiquated operation (no sprinklers, no A/C, poor ventilation), we did not lose many piglets to that sort of squishy demise. More modern facilities have better ways of keeping the sows comfortable, thereby leading to the sows being more inclined to stand up again when they hear the high-pitched squealing and feel the strange bump beneath them. But when a sow is hot and tired, she can't really be bothered to make yer 500+ pounds of bulk erect again unless a human runs very quickly from the house, up the hill, into the farrowing house, and starts screaming and slapping her back. *smile* Yes, I have been a baby-pig-savior in my time.

If I didn't know better, I would say your statement was meant to cast a pall on the might of swine! Or at least expose a weakness! You had better beware, Bast, as the pig army could easily come for YOU!

Lochnivar February 19 2008 2:58 PM EST

Pig Army?

Thank you George Orwell.....

QBsutekh137 February 19 2008 2:59 PM EST

That being said, chickens are a fine animal too, what with the production of eggs AND the ability to eat the critter... Though I guess cows and goats give milk, too... But chickens work for chicken feed. *smile*

NSFY February 19 2008 3:20 PM EST

You left out the most awesome (and unfortunate) aspect of all for the hog - the smell.

I have only been in a couple of hog barns and for short periods of time but the imprint on my olfactory system was indelible.

My father-in-law sent us some "authentic" ham slices and bacon from someplace where hogs outnumber people and as soon as I opened the package there was a whiff of that smell. I don't know if that was part of the authentic experience but the ham went directly to the trash in the garage. The bacon had enough bacony goodness to overcome the pig-stink so that was OK. mmm...bacon

Anyway, I don't like any animals that get bigger than me and that includes pigs and bears.

QBsutekh137 February 19 2008 3:23 PM EST

I am imagining you toppling at the smell in the same way the goats get startled. It's a funny image!

And if I ever received ham that smelled like a hog-barn, I assure you it would go in the garbage for me as well. Ham is not supposed to smell like porcine fecal matter or body odor no matter what the packaging is. *smile*

Admindudemus [jabberwocky] February 19 2008 4:01 PM EST

"sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell"

QBJohnnywas February 19 2008 4:09 PM EST

Well, I've only a few things to say about all of this.

Hog Roast.

Curried Goat.


Armageddon February 19 2008 4:19 PM EST

/me sets up a spit roast.

You kill em, I'll cook em.

RVT February 19 2008 4:33 PM EST

My friend breeds these Nigerian Dwarfs. Very Cute.

NSFY February 19 2008 5:00 PM EST

That is an EXCELLENT goat! Does he live in that cup? I want one.

BootyGod February 19 2008 5:46 PM EST

Please, GOD, lock this post before Gun sees it, rofl.

QBOddBird February 19 2008 5:47 PM EST


Wasp [C and S Forgery Lmtd.] February 19 2008 5:51 PM EST

I would pay good money to have one of those in my back garden. It would mow the lawn for me and make me laugh!!!

QBJohnnywas February 19 2008 5:51 PM EST

Curried Tiny Goat In A Bun.


j'bob February 19 2008 6:13 PM EST

beware the man who owns a pig (hog) farm.
muwah ah ah

QBsutekh137 February 19 2008 6:45 PM EST

I wouldn't mind owning one, I just never want to be a part of OPERATING one ever again. *smile* The hogs won, as far as I am concerned, and I am 100% OK with that.

QBJohnnywas February 19 2008 7:10 PM EST

j'bob, 6:13 PM EST [collapse]
beware the man who owns a pig (hog) farm.


j'bob February 19 2008 7:15 PM EST

j'bob (Chame) QBJohnnyWas (Bank Of Johnny) $13000 -- snatch! 7:13 PM EST

I won't go as far as saying it's a running "contest". But I LOVE when people pick up on and guess my movie / song references. I've made several with no acknowledgment. Thanks Johnny.
We now resume your regularly scheduled threading. (<--not a reference.)

A Lesser AR of 15 [Red Permanent Assurance] February 19 2008 8:17 PM EST

Too late, Pip. Saw this thread hours before loli goat in a cup.
Vote Goat '08!

ActionAction February 19 2008 8:21 PM EST

Soo cute, ZRVT! I really want an ickle goat now :D.

Adminedyit [Superheros] February 20 2008 5:33 AM EST

Nice catch on the movie quote JW but :) but no one else noticed Dudemus using cake lyrics? "Sheep go to heaven, Goats go to hell"

QBJohnnywas February 20 2008 6:29 AM EST

I missed that. Was too hungry at the time. And thinking about cake would have been the final straw.....;)

Flamey February 20 2008 7:10 AM EST

brick top!

Maelstrom February 20 2008 9:07 AM EST

If you like goats, and goat-ish behaviour, then I highly recommend that you read Giles Goat Boy by John Barth. It's a completely fictional book about a boy who was raised as a goat. Mind sounds kid-ish, but trust me, it shouldn't be read by children.

The entire world in the book is described as a university, and many common phrases have been replaced by school-ish phrases (A+ for Amen, Dean of Flunks for Devil, etc). It also parallels the cold war: there's the east campus and west campus of the university, and they're at war with each other, and have each built super-computers to stop each other.

That's kind of the weird style of John Barth, who is probably one of the best literary authors. It can be a tricky read due to Barth's imaginative use of language (he's an English prof), but it's definitely interesting. Plus it's from the perspective of a boy who thinks he's a goat, who is trying to go through life/university while becoming some sort of hero.

By the way, there are several boring and confusing author's introduction sections at the start, that could safely be skipped and returned to later. It talks about how Stoker, GILES (my current character's name!) brings the manuscript of the book to John Barth, and how neither of the actually wrote it, but it was written by the super-computer mentioned in the book...??? Just skip it and get to the main book, which is weird and cool.

RVT February 22 2008 11:24 AM EST

Maelstrom: Sounds very interesting. Is it a harder read than the Silmirillion?

NSFY: No it doesn't live in a cup, but it does live with 3 cats and a chihuahua. She is actually a little bigger now, that pic was when she was a few days old.

NSFY February 22 2008 12:13 PM EST

Thank you for the book recommendation Maelstrom - I'm not sure about computers and goats or goat boys, though. I'm more of a Stephen King-, Robert Ludlum-, Tom Clancy-kind of reader but I will try to expand my horizons.
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