random jokes (rate these jokes from 1-10) (in Off-topic)
Fictitious country song:
"My best friend ran off with my wife and now I miss him"
February 25 2009 2:49 PM EST
I just got a Brokeback flashback and am not very pleased.
I've followed you, talked to your neighbours, tapped your phone, and even shot at you to see how you would react.
From my observations I have come to one irrefutable conclusion:
You are Paranoid.
It seems that The Count on Sesame Street was giving a lecture on his thoughts on Godel's Theorem and there was a great need for extra transportation services to this event. After all, people like Gordon, Bob, Maria, Mr. Hooper, and all can only take so much of the "Which is not like the other" mentality. Anyway, since the Speedy Delivery Service run by Mr.McFeeley (what a name for a character on a children's show!) was being pushed out of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood by Federal Express, he thought he would sign on as a bus driver for the Sesame Street Bus Company. Besides, he was do for another trip to the Magic Kingdom and that was getting expensive these days.
On the morning of the big event he kissed his wife goodbye and hopped onto his bus and began driving his route. At the first stop there were two rather plump twins, so he stopped. As they got on he said "Hi there! Welcome to the Sesame St. bus! I'm Mr. McFeeley, who are you?" The twins said "We're named Patty" and they then waddled to their seats. He started to drive and at the next stop he saw a rather dejected looking man and stopped to pick him up. "Hi there", said Mr. McFeeley,"why do you look so said?" The man said, " I have no friends and I'm terribly lonely." With that Mr. Mcfeeley replied,"what is your name?" The man replied, "Saul". "Well, you can be my special friend Saul", said Mr. McFeeley. The man looked much happier and skipped to his seat. Mr. McFeeley then went on his way to the next bus stop and saw two men waiting, though one looked rather familiar. He stopped and gave his greeting to the first man. Mr. McFeeley learned that his name was Lester Cheese. Mr. McFeeley then recognized the other man to be Don Rickles. Apparently he looked to be in some kind of pain. "Welcome to the Sesame Street Bus Mr. Rickles! You look like you're in a lot of pain." "That's right, I've got bunyons you hockey puck!" And with that Mr. McFeeley completed his route to the symposium.
When Mr. McFeeley returned home his wife said, "How did it go today dear?" Mr. McFeeley replied, "Just great! I had two obese Patties, a special friend Saul, Lester Cheese, and Don Rickles with Bunyons all on the Sesame Bus!" They then took their valium and went to the Magic Kingdom.
A group of scientists has found a way to cross a praying mantis with a termite.
They've come up with an insect that says grace before it eats your house.
Next year's license plate slogans:
California - "The Guacamole State"
New Jersey - "1,001 Mobs"
Maryland - "Cradle of Graft"
New Mexico - "Skin Cancer State"
Nebraska - "Gateway to Arkansas"
Lone Ranger: "Indians! Indians all around us! Well, Tonto, ol' kimosavee, it looks like we're finished!
Tonto: "What you mean...We?"
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,
"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
I think I've discovered a major cause of credit card theft. At a restaurant recently, I noticed the alphanumeric display on a credit card verification terminal. In large fluorescent green letters it said Swipe Customer Card. I paid cash.
An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down.
Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything feeling himself a "guest" and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver:
"Listen", he says, "when you went through the red light, I didn't say anything. But, why, in heaven's name, are you stopping at a green light?!"
The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged:
"Are you crazy?!", he shouts. "The other guy has a red light -- do you want to get us killed?!"
February 25 2009 6:43 PM EST
Shall we burn him?
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