What makes a Relationship Work? (in Off-topic)


Zenai January 17 2010 12:09 PM EST

I went to a site: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/10-things-you-should-never-say-to-your-boyfriend-562952/ and it got me to thinking about what makes a relationship work. Well these are my ideas, I would like to ask you though (Links are ok but I would like it in your words): What Makes a Relationship work?

I have been with my wife since 2000, we got married last year :-), Overall honesty helps a lot, but so does common sense, use the Golden Rule for EVERYTHING. If you wouldn't like it done to you then don't do it to your significant other period. The stuff you would think is ok, think about it again and apply it to the situation at hand BEFORE you open mouth and let forth noise(There is a time and place for everything). My wife and I are on a very high level of honesty with each other but we have learned through trial an error that some things are better left unsaid no matter what.


There is 3 (or 4 if you are religious) Types of Stimulation Absolutely needed to live, especially in a relationship. If any of these are missing then that person will look for,( a replacement), a reason to end it sooner or later due to incompatibility issues.

1) Physical Stimulation(Interaction by touch Including but not Exclusively Sexual :P)
2) Mental Stimulation(Communication is key even better when with the significant other. Sharing is caring.....lol)
3) Emotional Stimulation(Romance goes a long way but it is only one facet of this gem.)

4) Spiritual Stimulation (For the Religious Types)( This is arguably a mix of all of the above for which I will digress on. However, if you care for the other person then you will either embrace or at the very least tolerate their way of life without a hitch. More often than not this is the Maker/Breaker of most relationships(If one or the other is Religious.) leaning in both directions.(Religious or Not you WILL be affected , prepare for it.))

To add a bit more to this there is also the Pyramid Guide(I like to call it, give it whatever name you like XD) to a Healthy Relationship. Even if you have the Types of Stimulation covered without these it is doomed for failure.

1) Trust(Without this what is the use of being in a relationship? )

2) Commitment(Honor your Word! Do it if you say it or else problems are coming for you.(Yes Taking out the trash counts :-/) If you are with someone stay there, if you feel the need to go off and do something with someone else then end the relationship first it's in the hole already.)

3) Communication(Honesty and Common Sense are needed to make this section work properly. Sometimes things are just better left unsaid.)

4) Compromise(Sometimes that argument is just not worth it. If it is not uber important LET IT GO!)(My wife and I have the Penny Save Routine to solve a petty argument. If we both agree it is a dumb argument but do not want to let it go then we flip a penny call it in the air and what ever side it lands on facing up that person wins, argument over.)

and to cap it off

5) Forgiveness (We all make mistakes, besides it is way too tiring to be mad or angry.)

A Little work in all of these departments daily will help a great deal in making things work in the long run.

Admindudemus [jabberwocky] January 17 2010 12:18 PM EST

my wife & i have been married over 21 years now and when asked how we have stayed together for so long we both give the same answer...low expectations!

Lochnivar January 17 2010 12:23 PM EST

that made me tear up Dude....

.... just so beautiful!

As a long time single person I can tell you how to stay OUT of relationships/ :-)

AdminG Beee January 17 2010 12:30 PM EST

Been together 23 years and married for 18 of them. I've found that as long as I do what I'm told, when I'm told, then we get on just great.

TheHatchetman January 17 2010 2:23 PM EST

1) Trust(Without this what is the use of being in a relationship? )


The reason my last relationship ended. While trying to convince her I was trustworthy, it dawned on me that I can't trust anything she says. I could tell she's not the cheating type, but isn't a habitual liar almost as bad?

As a long time single person I can tell you how to stay OUT of relationships/ :-)


It's not difficult, just raise your standards above your league. I've been doing that lately without even trying. Turns out half a brain in an open, honest woman is just way too much for someone like me to ask for. This isn't saying that they are rare to find or anything negative about women in general. Just that being a good person doesn't seem to be worth as much as it used to be. Though tbh, I much prefer this road than having to deal with the leeches in the event I was famous and/or rich... ~_^

TheHatchetman January 17 2010 3:00 PM EST

A Little work in all of these departments daily will help a great deal in making things work in the long run.


Unfortunately, no it won't. Can't make love work any more than you can make it exist.

Trust is something you have no control over. Either you trust them, or you don't. They might could earn your trust or betray it, but whether you think/say you trust someone or not, you have no choice in the matter.

Commitment is a much simpler one. Either you are commited to this person or you're not. You can force yourself into a commitment for a little while at a time, but eventually if you're forcing yourself, you're gonna "slip" and end up somewhere else... Really look into your mind, and don't try convincing yourself, just ask yourself "Is there anyone in the world I would run off with?". If yes, prepair for the worst. If no, congratulations.

Communication is extremely important, but without trust, entirely useless, if not counterproductive.

Compromising is a important but not too many people are capable of. At least not truly capable (the willing aren't able, the able aren't willing).

Forgiveness is something you have even less control over than love or trust... It is sooooo easy to say that you love/trust/forgive someone... I've forgiven a bunch of people myself (both in trlationships and friendships), that to this day I'm not sure if I've entirely managed to forgive due to the fact that I'm still continually haunted by some wrongs (both by me and against me) in my past (ever wonder why I live in EST, work in the daytime, and I'm still around to say good morning to people in the EST, that's why!)


So yeah, while there are certain things people can do to improve a situation, or to be a better person, it really comes down to who you are. What makes a relationship work is when two people truly click without "working on" anything. What makes it even worse is the radical personality changes people go through in their teens, then apparently there's also a switch in everybody that clicks over in the late 20s to early 30s, changing who they are as a person. When you, and your partner both change, some are blessed by being changed to move closer together, while most are cursed by moving further apart.

The real curse is when people rely too much on the history of the great times they used to have, and can't see that those times are over.

AdminNightStrike January 17 2010 9:19 PM EST

Ugh. Given enough time, all relationships fail :(

{WW]Nayab [Cult of the Valaraukar] January 17 2010 9:31 PM EST

Well thats an overly pessimistic attitude NS.
I have no experience in this matter at all having had no relationships of such magnitudes in my 15 years of life. But I still agree that these aspects need to be addressed in all relationships, mostly because i have seen friends get together, break up, rinse then repeat. If you didn't make a week the first time then why are you trying again?!

{CB1}Sparticus [Screwed Justice] January 17 2010 9:47 PM EST

Hand cuff's and duct tape are usually a good start.

Admin{CB1}Slayer333 January 17 2010 10:06 PM EST

I don't think Stockholm Syndrome is a valid relationship plan.

Lochnivar January 17 2010 10:14 PM EST

+2 Slayer

Zenai January 18 2010 12:28 AM EST

my wife & i have been married over 21 years now and when asked how we have stayed together for so long we both give the same answer...low expectations!


In a way I totally agree dudemus. I have gone back to looking at old shows/movies from when I was a kid and I have to say they really pump your expectations for Prince Charming/Princess Beautiful and that Happily Ever After :-/ I would call it Realistic Expectations though :-D

A Little work in all of these departments daily will help a great deal in making things work in the long run. Response: Unfortunately, no it won't. Can't make love work any more than you can make it exist.


True which is why it must be there first, you can have all the chemistry in the world and click perfectly but that is only a starting foundation the rest IS work no matter which way you cut it. Getting into a Great Relationship can be hard, especially hard for some, but STAYING in that Great Relationship is far harder that you might think. Upkeep on the things that were listed above are essential in my honest opinion, ask people who have been in a relationship for years and years this is where I got the info from :-)

Trust is something you have no control over. Either you trust them, or you don't. They might could earn your trust or betray it, but whether you think/say you trust someone or not, you have no choice in the matter.


Honestly I am not sure I agree with this statement Hatch. My reasoning is of course a personal opinion but I see it like this. Trust is something always earned over time, hard won in other words. I do not Auto-Trust anyone ever, but, they do get the benefit of the doubt. Giving Trust is fragile because it is a way of showing what is under the armor of our personalities. True some have no control because they have gone to an extreme(overly trustful or completely distrustful), but for those in the middle yes there is control. That amount of control is different per person and is determined by that persons life experiences and how they continue to let them affect their judgment in one way or the other.

On Communication Hatch I totally agree with you. For the Commitment go back and read again. It is not just about being with that person it is also honoring your word with that person. If you say I am going to clean the house then you had better clean the house because to the significant other it is a commitment by you to them and they are trusting that you will do it :-)

On Forgiveness I have to say I disagree, everyone is variable. I think though that too many tend to mix Forgiveness and Forgetting into the same pot. Just because you Forgive a person does not automatically mean you forget it as well it just does not work that way, which is why it is work. Work on yourself and work on how you view the situation and the relationship you are in because something may come up that reminds you of what happened years ago or just the other day by that person or some one different. Forgiving is a continual conscious daily process that takes Effort(work). Forgetting is a whole different enchilada though and much harder to do in my opinion, almost to the point of impossibility in some cases.

What makes it even worse is the radical personality changes people go through in their teens, then apparently there's also a switch in everybody that clicks over in the late 20s to early 30s, changing who they are as a person. When you, and your partner both change, some are blessed by being changed to move closer together, while most are cursed by moving further apart.


This I can definitely stand by Hatch. So very true and it is also a test of Love each time this change comes about. Your next statement after this though does bring a lot of things into perspective. The past is great but the here and now makes the Foundation for the Future.

Ugh. Given enough time, all relationships fail :(


Given enough time and not enough TLC yup I will agree. Some relationships are doomed before they start but there are some that withstand the test of time. Mostly because both parties continuously reciprocate TLC and work on the foundations I listed above.(and probably a few more I have missed :-D )

Hmmm personal Epiphany: The Couples ability of Adaptability plays a Key Role in making things work though changes in life. I guess that could be listed under Compromise though.


All of this is of course my own thoughts and opinions on the subject matter. In no way am I saying I'm perfect(Far From it!) or that anyone should follow my lead.(Sometimes I prefer to follow :-D )
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