because im bored (in Off-topic)


ThatOneMan April 17 2013 7:16 PM EDT

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

The frog croaks, "Miss Whack, I'd like to take out a $30,000 loan so that I can go on a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, the amphibious son of singer Mick Jagger, and he goes on to say that he knows the bank manager.

Miss Whack explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager, and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] April 17 2013 7:27 PM EDT

lol

Reminds me of;

Hans that does dishes is a soft as Chavez, for a wild green, hairy lip squid.

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] April 17 2013 7:28 PM EDT

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

AdminTal Destra April 17 2013 8:10 PM EDT

Three monks decide to go into the flower business. They specialize in man-eating plants. Despite putting out signs warning people to stay out of the yard a child sneaks in and is promptly gobbled up. The townspeople are outraged and elect their biggest man ,Hugh the blacksmith, to run them out of town.

Moral: Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

AdminTal Destra April 17 2013 8:27 PM EDT

There are two legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them.

Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stall holders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realize that it's really there.

So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stall holder, we have been traveling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"

The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stall-holder, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been traveling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."

The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me... all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glaze cherry. "I cannot help you..."

The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate, we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now, Do you have any you can sell us?"

The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."

The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands.

Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other, and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands." The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar..."

AdminNightStrike April 18 2013 8:24 AM EDT

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

hahahahah... I really laughed audibly with this one. Totally caught off guard!

Admiralkiller April 18 2013 8:53 PM EDT

Omg..I want to punch my own face after these jokes.

Zenai April 19 2013 1:56 AM EDT

I dunno how to embed videos here so I will just drop the link. Just in case you do not get the reference for GL's joke here you go: http://youtu.be/Y_LaVvSIT_8
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