Repossession Of America (in Off-topic)

TBH never enough gabber May 31 2007 11:08 PM EDT

Subject: FW: The U.K. repossesses the U.S.
Date: Thu, 24 May 2007 21:08:01 +1000

NEWS FLASH! Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of USA:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you notice.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell - checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of ヨize. You will relearn your original national anthem: God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Holden Monaro's (known as the Pontiac GTO in America) are also approved.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also a British Colony, see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try
Rugby the Aussies and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Aussies first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen. Only God can.
John Cleese.

Eurynome Bartleby [Bartleby's] May 31 2007 11:15 PM EDT

Big LOL.

SBW May 31 2007 11:16 PM EDT

LOL ash... you're randomly responding to forums... you THAT bored?

Eurynome Bartleby [Bartleby's] May 31 2007 11:20 PM EDT

I though Big LOL reflected my opinion about this here thread perfectly :)

There are times for intelligent posting and nights for...big LOLs.

Admin{CB1}Slayer333 [SHIELD] May 31 2007 11:21 PM EDT

A Lesser AR of 15 [Red Permanent Assurance] June 1 2007 12:20 AM EDT

Huge amounts of LOL.
About time I say! We have been living a series of lies. We need real teas, real sports, real chips, and real lager! Vote Ron Paul for French Maid '08.

~Signed, [CB1]Vegetable_Peeler~

Flamey June 1 2007 12:39 AM EDT

LOL, awesomeness.

mikes wanton rage June 1 2007 12:46 AM EDT

I don't want to be British. I enjoy being heterosexual.

Slashundhack [We Forge Our Own Stuff] June 1 2007 1:48 AM EDT

I heard some one shot John Cleese .No no that was he was doing shots. Sorry for the confusion.

Wasp June 1 2007 1:59 AM EDT

Great thread : )

AdminShade June 1 2007 4:01 AM EDT

didn't read thread, fixed thread's title.

IndependenZ June 1 2007 5:23 AM EDT


That was the Inde "Sign of approval", in case you were wondering.

BootyGod June 1 2007 1:30 PM EDT


/me goes to put on his native american costume and grabs a box of lipton ice tea...

SaintMichael June 1 2007 4:08 PM EDT

Hah! John Cleese is brilliant!

I'm surprised he's still around, and kicking. =)

A Lesser AR of 15 [Red Permanent Assurance] June 2 2007 11:59 PM EDT

Think gwolf was confused by mike's words.....
Also thought Lipton came to be in America, if not Canada. ;)

bartjan June 3 2007 7:25 AM EDT

Did John Cleese write it or not?
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