If I suddenly vanish (in Off-topic)
it'll probably only be for a few days/weeks... I think the cops are looking for me now, and I may or may not be brought up on assault charges.
For those not interested in a wall of text, I'd advise you find another thread.
My sister, for some reason, has picked almost all of her boyfriends throughout her life from my group of friends. This would bother many people, but I don't mind it so much on the grounds that a) I know the guy and b) they know me. They know I'm about half past insane with absolutely nothing to lose (got no kids, no gf, no car, and I work the 9pm-7am shift at the Waffle House in front of the crack hotel). They know I fear not death or jail. This allows me to know they will not cross any lines.
For two years my sister dated one of my best friends (Nick). She ended up pregnant. Nick tried, though even he now admits not nearly hard enough, to be there for her and their son (my nephew, Christopher). He wasn't working nearly enough, both due to lack of decent opportunities, and his pride stopping him from taking the crappier opportunities that were present (day labor and the like). I got on him about this the whole way through, but not as hard as I should have, mainly because I knew that he truly and legitimately did care for my sister and their son.
While my sister was pregnant with Christopher, another close friend of mine (Josh) was having problems at home and needed a place to stay. I vouched for him and allowed him to live at my house with my family and even sleep in my room. Over time, Josh and my sister developed a thing for each other, and shortly after the baby was born, my sister left Nick for Josh. Josh and Nick had been friends prior to this, but that quickly changed.
Nick wanted revenge. In his eyes, this man just came in and took his family away from him. But he did not exact any type of revenge, on three occasions he was given damn near a perfect opportunity. My sister stopped him one of the times, and I stopped him the other two. I stood up to one of my best friends for Josh's sake. More importantly for Christopher's sake.
Josh seemed to care for my sister and Christopher in the same way that Nick did. And being my sister's choice, I didn't like it, especially not the way it went down, but I respected it because my sister is an adult.
A few days ago Josh thought my sister was cheating on him, and reacted by pinning my sister to a wall and screaming at her until she kicked him off of her. He then proceeded to ransack the appartment. If it was glass, it was broken. If it couldn't be broken, it was defiled (tables written on, appliance cords cut, pictures slashed, etc.). The next morning, he comes by the appartment while nobody was home and breaks his key off in the door. Calls the cops and reports her for driving without insurance (*she* didn't even know she was...), and sends my mother a text message saying that if me or Nick try anything he will kill us and that he has nothing to lose.
At that point, it's on. I trusted him. I looked at him as family. I have only three things in my entire life. My family, my friends, and my pride. When he did that, he attacked all three. I can't come at him at his house because it's a fortress even when people are home and there is nothing going on. There's no potential for legal consequence, as my sister has already filed a report on the incodent and has a restraining order pending. So I wait patiently until I see him. We both work at the same place, so it is inevitable.
Earlier this evening, I'm scheduled to work the 9pm-7am shift. I go to work knowing he's not scheduled til tomorrow, but I intend to warn the other server there that she's gonna be by herself for most of the evening tomorrow night, as she's scheduled to work with him. Before I even get to that point, I see him walking up and confront him 2 steps in the door. I tell him he can get out, or lay down. At which point, he picks up his phone and starts walking out front. I follow him and argue with him for about 30 seconds while he denies that he touched my sister, then admits to "pushing her out of the way", and claims my nephew was sleeping and didn't catch any of this going on. At that point i throw the first blow, he ducks it and i hit the waffle house window. He then starts backing up and puts his fists up and I smile and catch him with a quick 2-piece. Realising that fighting back will get him nowhere he puts his set down and starts talkin about "you know you're on camera, right?". I catch him with a few more quick jabs and bloody his nose a bit. Right as i begin taking pleasure in the tears I see rolling down his cheek and decide to go in for the all out assault, the cook on duty runs up, shoves us both, and puts himself in front of Josh. I almost hit him just for being in the way until i was struck by an ever-so-brief moment of clarity and realized, he means well, and more importantly, has a family. Realizing this, and that it would not be the last time I see Josh, I leave before the cops show up.
This is not over, unfortunately. He continues to press my family. He continues any further, and murder goes from an extremely tempting prospect, to being the only option. Either way, he will feel my pain and that of my family.
March 30 2010 1:08 AM EDT
*prays for Hatchey*
I don't want any legal trouble if the cops do want you but other then that you guys are all welcome to hang (or hide) up here.
March 30 2010 1:23 AM EDT
When you cool off, the legal options will seem better. Felony-attempted-murder won't let you help your family much. And being locked away for a year for repeat assault and battery charges won't do much to support them.
You've flexed enough muscle already. I say, draw a line and let him monkey dance in front of it. Let you sister follow up with the legal route for a month or two until he finally sees that it's over.
I've long-since given up on the "legal line" as it seems to only do you any good if you have a cop in your family, or if the offender is caught in the act. We've had many things happen over the years that have resulted in the cops being called, coming out, and filing a report only to have absolutely NOTHING come from it. There are apparently too many kids skipping school and shoplifting or people smoking weed for the cops to care about some petty stuff like domestic assault, burglary, or getting jumped by 6 people in front of your school.
March 30 2010 1:33 AM EDT
wow man, I've quickly read some portions of the thread (must have been more than half) but I'm amazed...
Take care and don't disappear! :)
Well I hope everything works out for you, and I never promote violence unless it's to protect something very dear to you. There usually is a alternate way to deal with these problems.
Some people change, some people are not the person you think they are, some people stab you in the back, some people are nut jobs. I would also in this case advise legal action against him. There is nothing you can do if you go to jail and he does not.
Do protect your family! as I know you will, I would however consider all the complications now before any actions are taken. Anger is a irrational state of mind.
not to stereotype, but I have yet to meet a redneck that hasn't stabbed me in the back given the opportunity... It's why I live in a city setting where at least most people have the courtesy to stab you in the throat.
Far as legal action, my sister has already called the police. Accomplished nothing by doing so. Now it's just harassment at this point, which cops are certainly way to busy to bother themselves with.
Far as an irrational state of mind, here's some perspective. Put a gun in my face and threaten my life and I promise you I won't flinch or break a sweat (unless it's hot). Tell me you're gonna jump me with half a dozen people if/when I go somewhere, I'll be there waiting. I don't "want to die", and I'm definitely not in any hurry to do so, but when the time comes, I'm fairly certain that if i see it coming, i will face it without fear. On the other hand, throw a wasp/bee/hornet nest at me, and I will bug out like you've never seen. While anger can indeed contribute to irrationality, "rational" is a very difficult prospect to consider. I often kid around about being insane, but I assure you, just because someone realizes it, doesn't make them any less crazy. There is certainly something wrong inside my head, I just haven't yet figured out what.
March 30 2010 7:17 AM EDT
Just to make 100% sure (even if I know the answer)... you live in the USA, not, say, Congo, Cambodia or some slums in India ?
Also, what the heck made this guy think your sister was cheating on him (did or didn't she? not that it really matters), and why exactly is he supposed to care anyway (enough to act like he did, I mean) seeing how he basically "stole" her from the kid's father in the first place anyway ?
And finally... if things are really that screwed up with the police and everything... why not just sell the darn house or whatever you still have left, and move to a different city (preferably a much more civilized and much larger one) on the other side of the country ?
I'll be praying everything works out for you (it will, I think). I have to say though, if I were one of your siblings, I'd be pretty damn thankful to have someone like you as my brother. (2c: I agree with Demi though, make sure you keep cool. As sucky as life is at times, you have people who care about you and would rather keep you around than being in jail.)
Good luck, Hatch!
in life you can decide to either act or react. when you react, you allow others to choose your destiny. just understand that it is a conscious decision to allow others to be in control of your life. instead of wishing you luck in dealing with the law, i am going to wish you luck in dealing with yourself and your emotions.
March 30 2010 8:48 AM EDT
I'm sorry but in circumstances like this I agree with Hatch. The 'law' will not protect anyone in these kind of situations. My friend had an abusive partner who continues to pester her even though they are over and shes moved on. He is always spying on her and threatening people around her. He recently scratched her new partners car and done over a grand's worth of damage (Like $1400). The 'law' has ruled he has done nothing wrong and until he gets caught beating her up they won't do a darn thing about it.
I'm afraid the only thing is a long ride in the back of a van...
March 30 2010 10:20 AM EDT
I know nothing on how do deal with this sort of complex issue, and am worse than worthless in a fight.
That being said, if you think violence will end up being a forced card, then just make sure there is a lot of "stuff" on file before it happens (to protect yourself and family).
First, get a restraining order against Josh (if you haven't already). He is not the father of the child, and he and your sister are not married (right?), and he was at your house through kindness, not family or economy. Call a domestic abuse hot-line, get a pro bono attorney (or at least a cheap one), and get an RO.
No, ROs don't very often do a whole lot of good, but they DO allow you to protect yourself (and you sound like an able enforcer).
Next, keep calling the cops. Again, not to be effective, but to make your file fatter and fatter (if they aren't even documenting these things, then perhaps leaving is the only option). If Josh comes around and starts trouble, more incidents on file mean more to get your back if some nasty crap DOES hit the fan.
Finally, all of this is only talking about the "fight" angle, not "flight". Like others on this thread, if flight is an option, I support that. By "option", I would hope you can get far enough away, and have the resources to fund it (and get re-established). Otherwise, it really isn't much of an option, I don't suppose.
I have never been much for "fight", but that is because I am not good at it and would be very afraid (unless deep, deep in a moment heretofore only imagined). As I said, you sound like an able enforcer, so now back that up with intelligence and make sure there is a paper trail supporting your need for protective behavior. You don't need a cop in the family for that. Even word of mouth helps. Tell your neighbors you are scared for yourself, for your sister, for Christopher. The more people who know that, and can report it if bad things happen, the better.
March 30 2010 10:39 AM EDT
Since you decided to take matters into your own hands already, protecting yourself from a short stint in jail might even require you to use the legal system. If he's set on getting even with you by having you arrested, then your counter can be to have him arrested on vandalism, assuming some of the property was yours (your sister must handle the assault charge herself).
The ultimate purpose isn't to have each other arrested in petty spite, but rather to agree to drop all charges as a wash.
Even if you aren't able to have him cuffed, you can still file a small claim for the damaged property - no attorney needed. It might still be enough to make him drop charges. Besides, he probably won't show up for court, granting a default judgment. You'll likely still have to file a Settlement of Judgment to levy garnishment against him, but that should pay for your own court costs.
March 30 2010 10:46 AM EDT
...assuming there is anything to garnish. It varies from state to state, but garnishment processes can end up non-feasible. If you know he has a bank account (with cash in it), that can work, or if you know he is gainfully employed (and will likely stay that way), then it is probably worth it...
(was a programmer for a collections law firm in a previous job, sorry... *smile*)
But yeah, Demigod has really good points as far as building more of an overall case. Heck, I would think you could call the police and just say "someone ransacked my house" so they come and document that, too, possibly even taking fingerprints. When you then say, "Hm, maybe it was this guy Josh that I have been graciously allowing to stay here..." I would think it would be hard for the police to ignore broken glass and damaged property that can clearly be attributed to this individual...
If I was still single, and didn't have any kids, I would break they guy...
Just ask Doug, my little sisters ex. Ask him how bad broken ribs feel, ask him how he felt after he saw the damage I did to his truck... Cops didn't do anything to me because we reported what he did to my sister.
Good luck bro, stay clean...
Hatch, make sure the Death threat to your family is noted (and all the RO stuff Sute mentions). Even if it comes to a head and your caught on CCTV throwing the first punch, go back to the death threats and reports to police to build your case.
Whatever happens, I sincerely hope this resolves itself in the best way possible.
Who's goin' chicken huntin'!?!?!... No really, be good.
Yikes, I suggest you follow what was said before, call the police every time something bad happens, make your file document a series of troubles so it doesn't sound like you are some whack job who was looking for a fight.
Thought I'd posted this last night but i guess not. Nick and my sister are now sitting in county jail without bond awaiting trial. I can't elaborate on the subject as it is not my case to be speaking of, but can say that the charges currently pressed will not stick as they are grossly exaggerated, and even the arresting officer noted as such in his police report. Luckily my sister reacted to the initial situation with a more level head than I would have and had the foresight to take pictures of the total destruction that was her appartment. These were also noted and copies were added to the police report. My nephew is now with my mother and I. Knowing DCF was involved I moved everything illegal out of the house and baby-proofed everything earlier. I love and fear for both my sister and one of my best friends, but right now, Christopher is priority #1, 2, and 3.
On another note, for job security, see your local Waffle House... From their perspective, I had to leave about 45 minutes into my 10 hour shift the other night in an attempt to dodge the cops because I confronted a coworker at the door, followed him out front then proceeded to start punching him in the face... I'm now out on bond awaiting a court date of my own for misdemeanor battery...
And they still want me to work tomorrow night...
April 1 2010 9:47 AM EDT
I hope everything works out for the better.
April 1 2010 10:46 AM EDT
but right now, Christopher is priority #1, 2, and 3.
If so, you need to use some self control and not let things like
I'm now out on bond awaiting a court date of my own for misdemeanor battery
happen to you.
Hard to do, but right now it is a misdemeanor... what if next time if things have a potentially worse outcome?
Hard to do, but right now it is a misdemeanor... what if next time if things have a potentially worse outcome?
At the time, I was in no way, shape, or form responsible for my nephew or his well being, mistakes were still mine to be made. I know where the man responsible for tearing my family apart is every hour of the next two weeks, and I am forced to let it be as such under the new circumstance. In time, things may change. But for now, I sit.
I hope everything works out Hatch.
Hatch: Even though I obviously don't know you, I've always respected you. You've always presented yourself to me as a level headed, intelligent, rational individual.
That being said: You're acting like a stupid idiot. Pride is a funny thing, and it can screw with you. Let's put things this way:
You are currently under the impression that you are the master of your domain.
This guy josh is screwing with that mental picture, and so pride tells you that "no one screws with me. I'm really smart, and I'm loyal, and I love my sister."
The err in this logic is so simple, it would be difficult for a rational individual to miss, and thus you would see it too, if pride weren't blinding you.
From what I can tell, Joshie-poo caused some collateral damage that you and yours now have to pay for (the apartment). He also says all kinds of crappy things about "you and your family and especially your cheating sister and that stupid kid that isn't even his." What a turd of a guy, that Josh.
Now step back and evaluate.
Josh and his actions are RULING YOUR LIFE through your pride. He has total control over you, and that's dumb. I'm being blunt because I like you. Ditch the loner/cowboy facade and just be there for your family.
It's what a man would do. Be a man.
a) The appartment was never mine, that was where Stephanie, Christopher, and Josh lived. The property that was considered to be on loan from my mother and/or myself (Really, we gave it to her when she moved, but for the sake of charging him with SOMETHING we are more than willing to call it our own.), was also considered property leased to them as a family unit, and therefore not criminally illegal to destroy.
b) I had my pride. It's gone. With my nephew living with me, I have but one thing. One concern. That is Christopher. When this is resolved, that may be different. But with my nephew under the care of my mother and myself, I can afford no retaliation, no emotion, and no feeling other than love for him. He needs me to be stronger than I'd ever dreamed of, and to be honest, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm scared. I am scared to death that I will let him down, and scared for what will happen to my sister.
Before all this happened, my sister was a preschool teacher, but now she's locked in jail with no bond, and a pending first degree felony (news on that in the next paragraph), surrounded by hardened criminals (not to say that there aren't possibly a couple in Steph's situation, but i was bonded out within 12 hours of being processed for leaving my job to assault a coworker right out front with half a dozen witnesses and a handful of cameras watching me... they don't put just anyone on a no bond).
The only bright side to all this is that the arresting officer did note in his report that the charge was blown way out of proportion compaired to how little she did to catch the charge, and how much Josh did and got away with entirely outside of a potential civil suit for a couple thousand dollars. She is being tried in Domestic Violence court (wasn't aware there were different types...), which should get rid of the bulk of her charge, likely even putting it all the way down to a misdemeanor. If that were to be the case, then the fight would not be with DCF to get custody back, but rather, to keep it. And if that comes to be the case, I will have the utmost confidence in my nephew's well-being, because my sister is a good mother. She goes to work every day (and will again when she gets another job. She almost never drinks (last time she was drunk was new years, and baby was with my mother), and she kept a clean house when they were on their own. Chris is always fed, has everything he could ever need, is never abused or neglected, and is one of the happiest babies you'll ever meet.
Nick, unfortunately is still being tried in criminal court, and doesn't have the same extenuating circumstances in the eyes of the law, even though the snapping point was threats made in reference to their son. He will most likely still have the charges reduced at the very least, as they are blown out of proportion to the offense committed as in my sister's case (I won't post details on their stuff in a public forum, but let's just say even if they had absolutely no reason for what they did, and that who it was done to were total strangers, the charges would still be a good bit more than what is right). But he will most likely be up against a pretty stiff charge none-the-less and may end up doing some time over this, followed by supervised visits with his son, and a slew of other garbage to deal with.
Also looking good for them is that they turned themselves in. Steph went first, Nick was waiting to bond her out but then turned himself in the next day when he found she didn't have one. Even knowing he was up against a first degree felony, and that there wasn't yet a warrant out on him, and keys to a big ol' Ford Expedition, he went in on first word of the no bond. It's why he's one of my best friends. Ever since I've known him there have been more than a few situations where he had a LOT to gain by letting me down, but he never has. I talked on the phone with him before he turned himself in, and I told him "I love you bro, and I don't see it being the case, but if at any point anywhere I see a chance to sell you up the river to help steph and chris, you're gone bro, and I will never feel bad for it." To that, he said "Dog, if you see a chance to make life better for my son and all it takes is getting rid of me, I would lose all respect I ever had for you if you didn't take it."
Again, I thank you all for your support and concern. You need not discourage violence on my part, as at this stage that is not even an option (I can hit B to attack all I want, but the button is disabled until this scene is over). And I do welcome your PMs/CMs. If I don't respond, or miss your message, I'm sure you understand I have a lot going on right now.
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