I lost the love of my life (in Off-topic)
I'm currently a senior in college, this girl I've been dating since I was a freshman. Our personalities fit so well and for a good portion of those years I was convinced she was the one and that she would do anything for me. We had our ups and downs and broke up that first summer, but we got back together after that summer.
During that summer though, she was with other guys. And I guess I never really learned to accept it. So the next summer I cheat on her, and she sticks by me. We eventually work through it until this year, where I cheat on her again because the score was never really even, and she walks in while I'm doing it and I literally put my relationship on pause for a week to see if I could be with this new girl. When it didn't work out I came back to her and it took her a long time but she finally took me back but she never really forgave me because the image would always come back in her mind.
At this point I realize that I've been a terrible person and insecure and that she deserved better, so I've been trying to be the best boyfriend I could be, which she will even admit. A week ago she tells me she doesn't love me anymore, but I convince her to give it some more time before we throw our 4 years away. I give her all the space she wants. 3 days ago she tells me again that she does not love me, and that's the end because she just wants to finish the rest of the year alone. I convinced myself that I just simply needed to give her space, and maybe try starting over as friends so she can fall in love with me. She lets me visit her house just as a friend and tonight I came over I saw a guy in her room. I finally got her to confess that she kissed him and she says she's had feelings for him for "2 or 3 days" although she didn't have a bra on when I was talking to her, so I doubt they simply stopped at kissing, and I'm sure she's been considering leaving me for him for quite some time.
While I was talking to her trying to get some closure, the guy calls the cops on me. She walks with me out of the building to talk to the cops to tell them there's no problem. They bring her inside and I stay outside and eventually me and the cops exit the building together, they told me to not come there again or else it could be considered trespassing.
I texted her and asked her if she wanted to talk for real, but if not, then I would leave her alone. I send her another text messaging pleading for any response, even if it's a no. Then I send her one last text message saying that this is the last text message you'll get from me, I promise. I tell her that I'm sorry for everything and I do deserve it, and I tell her I wish she finds the happiness she's looking for.
The truth is, I do deserve this. I was morally bankrupt for the longest time, but it sucks that she falls out of love when I was finally ready to grow up. I genuinely want her to be happy and I will be trying my hardest to leave her alone. But at the same time, I just lost half of my soul. She was compatible with me in every way. I loved this girl so much, and no one I could ever find in the future will ever complete me as much as she did. I know this has been a long story, most of it not mattering, I just had to explain my story to someone, much better than I would be able to explain it to my real life friends. But what do I do now? I know there's a grieving process and I'll be OK but the truth of the matter is I'll never be whole again, no matter what girl I meet in the future.
April 2 2011 10:05 AM EDT
Well as an older person in the community I can understand the loss you are feeling and unfortunately I have no good news for you. As you stated with how you didn't forgive for the first summer flings and then you cheated not once but two times and she walked in and caught you, most women won't get through that and really how could they. Most guys wouldn't be able to either. It sounds like she has moved on and you might just have to recover from a broken heart and try to move on yourself. Not great words of wisdom, but the silver lining here is that you are young and there are indeed other people out there and you can be happy again. Don't lose hope that maybe she will call you again when and if the guy she is with doesn't work out, but I wouldn't stop trying to move on hoping for it because it just might not happen.
Sorry I couldn't be of anymore help, but if you ever feel like talking just send me a message. I will be more than happy to listen and give advice that this old man has gone through in life.
April 2 2011 12:35 PM EDT
I loved this girl so much, and no one I could ever find in the future will ever complete me as much as she did.
Don't be to hasty to say you'll never find anyone to complete you as much as she did. To my understanding you are still young and there are lots of women out there. In all honesty I feel any relationship is built on trust and if that's rocky in the beginning then your almost asking for problems. I feel for you, and wish the best for you. My only suggestion is that you do your best to move on knowing that you have extremely deep feeling for this girl. Maybe take a break from dating and let love come to you.
I never understood people who cheat, your significant other is basically your best friend. Would you ever steal a large sum of money from your best friend ( not your Gf ). Trust is something that is gained over time and when broken is really hard to repair and sometimes can never be fixed. My advice is move on, lick your wounds and learn from your and her mistakes. You will find someone else.
April 2 2011 2:40 PM EDT
But what do I do now? I know there's a grieving process and I'll be OK but the truth of the matter is I'll never be whole again, no matter what girl I meet in the future.
What you do now is move through the motions of daily life and wait for the feeling of loss to subside. It sucks, and it takes a long time, but that's the way it works.
ALmost exactly a year ago, I lost my fiancee. We were together for 7.5 years in what I can only describe as pure love. But as the wedding date approached -- and after I bought a house for us -- she panicked and called it off at the last minute. After a few months of picking other dates and bumping those as well, she called it off for good; she took the dog, left the ring, and I never saw her again. There was no argument, just a stunned feeling of loss.
In the following year, I've dated others (one for three months), but my heart just wasn't ready to move on. Of course it has gotten easier, and it will for you as well. It just takes a lot of time. But I will say that dating others, even if half-heartedly, takes a lot of the edge off.
April 2 2011 5:14 PM EDT
The passage of time solves almost everything in that particular problem category.
April 2 2011 5:31 PM EDT
Let me see if I have it right.
You were in a relationship. You broke up during the summer. During the time you were broken up, she dated or even slept with other people. Then after that summer you got back together.
The next summer you, while still seeing her, cheated on her. Then this year you cheated on her again, and tried to be with the girl you cheated with. When that did not work out, you got back together with the girl you say you love.
And now you're upset she broke up with you???? Hello McFly!!!
If all that is correct, I have but one thing to say-You deserve everything you have gotten.
Of course she was not the "love of your life". If she was you would have never cheated on her.
I have been married for 16 years and never once cheated. Never felt the need. My wife is my love and my best friend. Sure, we have fights, we sometimes hate each other, but in the end, I know she is the one for me.
Perhaps you can use this experience as a "growing up" lesson.
But right now, you're a cad and a jerk. Grow up or this will happen over and over again.
April 2 2011 7:37 PM EDT
Here is me being nice.
Be thankful she did not try to stab you with a fork once she saw you in bed with another woman.
Be thankful she did not cut off your hooha while you were sleeping.
Be thankful she took you back for a while before coming to her senses.
Be thankful you are still young and can learn from this experience.
And lastly, be thankful you have your health. You are young and bound to meet countless more women.
I think every male in the US has been through something close to what you have. No, not cheating on someone and getting caught, but having their heart broken.
It just takes time.
And my best advice: Do not drown in self pity. The best thing to do after getting thrown off a horse is to jump right back on. Get out there and force yourself to meet people. Keep your time occupied so you do not obsess with her. And try to go on as many dates as you can.
You will become whole again. You are not alone.
April 2 2011 10:13 PM EDT
I feel like I shouldn't say anything, being a guy thing, however I feel compelled to give warning... Don't go to fast or with too many while you do need time and you do need to put yourself out there so that you will learn to move on, a great many people at this point will start forming a REALLY bad habit when something like this happens... Namely you go out with someone, break up, go out with someone, break up, repeat until you have formed a habit that can endanger you from every being able to commit permanently... Having seen you realize that it was in essence your fault and actually acknowledge it out loud so to speak I would really hate to see you not be able to use the lesson you have paid for with such a high price... So yes move on, keep hope if you have too but don't ever let yourself become unable to move without that hope, and always know that while your healing from this by going out again the person your with has feeling and history too...
April 2 2011 11:18 PM EDT
I'm going to post something that will likely surprise the crap out of everyone; I agree with Ranger.
First time I read the sob story (and I really wasn't paying much attention, hence the error) I thought it said she cheated on you before you cheated on her. And thus I felt for you, as much as I could at least.
But I misread. Ranger's post prompted me to re-read your first paragraph. You two were broken up at the time, so everything was fair game. YOU screwed up and cheated on her when you got back together. YOU'RE the tool here. And she has every right in the world to dump you for it.
My advice: first, stop whining. You're getting exactly what you deserve. Second (and I KNOW at least one person is going to pounce on me over this), buy yourself a bottle of your favorite liquor (something really, really nice: a top shelf liquor) hire a few, um, working girls, and drown away your sorrows in sex and booze. Go all Charlie Sheen for one night. The day after, man up, realize you're the one at fault, and move the heck on.
April 3 2011 7:09 AM EDT
I agree with Ranger also - in this life there are tough and easy decisions to be made. One of the easiest should be - shall I cheat on someone I profess to love risking losing him/her/it/them/yourself.
April 3 2011 1:51 PM EDT
Ranger + 1
I can't believe you actually spent a week+ with the other girl. Then when it didn't work out you went back to the supposed girl you loved, that you had cheated on with the same girl. This is the reason why its so hard for nice guys, because jerks take advantage of women.
The women take advantage of us jerks.
You wish the women would take advantage of you gun :P.
April 3 2011 8:30 PM EDT
That they do.
Ranger is my favorite person.
It's cool that you guys are attacking me after I already admitted it was my fault. If you'll reread the last paragraph, you'll notice I didn't blame her, I blamed myself. I asked for advice on what I could do to move on, but instead I get posts like "stop whining" by people with their head too far up into their own tunnel of doom.
April 3 2011 10:01 PM EDT
In all honesty the best thing to do is pick up a hobby and just let time heal everything. I almost hanged myself (literally) after a rough break up from what feels like a life time ago. After a crazed year of binging and causing grievous personal harm and near death to myself, life got back on track.
I think back to then and am shocked that person was even me. You will know when you actually meet the love of your life, since you won't be able to cheat on them. It took a bit for me to meet mine, but it has gotten to a point now where her life means more to me then mine. When you get there, and you will, you will look back and realize the difference between yourself then and now.
All you need is time. If you are young, then you already have everything you need.
April 3 2011 11:42 PM EDT
I asked for advice on what I could do to move on, but instead I get posts like "stop whining"
And I stand by that advice. You deserve every bit of hurt you've brought upon yourself. You come on here with such a sob story, then expect sympathy and help? If you don't like what I had to offer, oh well. It's the best I have to offer someone like you.
And as far as who's head is up what tunnel, I'm not the one who cheated on the love of his life.
Sorry, but I have no sympathy or respect for cheaters. I have a real rage spot for those who cheat on their loved ones.
And on a side note my sister went through the exact same thing as your girl did with you, though for some ridiculous reason she's back with the jerk.
I don't need your sympathy, I needed advice. I don't know why you keep posting in my thread for any other reason than being a [novice edit]. Yeah, I messed up. But she messed up too. She was with two other guys our first summer. Yeah, that doesn't make what I did right, but I know I deserve more respect than to be repeatedly attacked by you.
April 4 2011 12:08 AM EDT
I know I deserve more respect than to be repeatedly attacked by you.
You know wrong!
Enjoy your fine for breaking the stupid PG rule though.
Oh, I forgot. Because I am a person in the process of growing up that sometimes makes bad decisions and terrible mistakes that I am not a human being with his own feelings that matter as much as your own. You're so right, LB, my bad, how could I think otherwise?
As for the fine, I really don't care. You can fine me as much as you want, you still need to get your head out of your own butt.
April 4 2011 12:27 AM EDT
..that I am not a human being with his own feelings that matter as much as your own.
Oh, you certainly are. It's just that, in this case, the feelings you have are exactly the ones you deserve.
you still need to get your head out of your own butt.
I'll again point you to your first post and remind you who REALLY had their head up their butt.
My advice move on, in both this thread and in life.
April 4 2011 1:00 AM EDT
Yeah, I messed up. But she messed up too. She was with two other guys our first summer.
We had our ups and downs and broke up that first summer, but we got back together after that summer.
But you weren't dating. You've held it against her that she was with other guys when you weren't together?
My advice? Play video games when you think too much about it and it bothers you. They're great for numbing the mind. Time heals all wounds, including puppy love wounds, and at least that way you can help make that passage of time more bearable.
Lets be honest here. You blew it. To cheat on the one you "love" twice... You pretty much deserve to of been ditched. Move on. If you loved her that much you wouldn't of been so un-caring when you were together.
I'm sure you'll find someone else : )
April 4 2011 6:22 AM EDT
Here's the long and the short of it. If you two were right for each other you wouldn't have split up, you wouldn't have gone with other people, you wouldn't be writing this post now.
It is that simple. Anything else is complication of your own making and choosing. Walk away and move on.
April 4 2011 9:24 AM EDT
My advice move on, in both this thread and in life.
Couldn't agree more. Simple answer as to what to do next is learn from your mistakes and grow from them...don't dwell on the past and prepare for tomorrow.
in addition to nov's edit, i had already had to edit this thread once as well. for that reason it is now closed...perhaps we can all move on.
This thread is closed to new posts.