Funny Thread! (in Off-topic)

Jokes, jokes, jokes!
That's what I'm after.

Here's one to start us off.



A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand..."You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a profe ssional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you." Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged.. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was, " Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

lol. kk. my turn. cheezy and stolen from a movie.

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. sit and order a couple pitchers. After a few hours of drinking the giraffe gets drunk and falls over. The man gets up and starts for the door. The bartender yells to the man "hey! you can't leave that lying there!" the man turns and looks to the bartender and replies "Its not a lion, its a giraffe!"

For the techies!

A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts 'mypenis' in, and the wife busts out laughing, nodding her head while pointing at the monitor because it said.."Error: Not long enough."

Man walks into a bar. Sees a horse at the bar with a bucket filled with money. On the bucket is a sign "Make the horse laugh and cry and win the money, 20$ a shot.".

Guy says to the bartender "is this real"

Bartender says "yep"

Guy whispers in the horses ear, horse starts laughing uncontrollably.

Guy then takes the horse into the back alley and when they come back the horse is crying hysterically.

Man takes the money and as he leaves the bartender says "what did you say/do to win".

Guy says "I whispered in his ear my penis was bigger than his, then I showed him".

HAHA

Man walks into a bar, early in the day. Nobody else in the bar so he strikes up a conversation with the bartender who is the owner.

Man says "I bet you 10$ I can bite my own butt sitting on the stool"

Bartender says "OK"

Man takes out his false teeth and bites his butt.

Bartender is upset but pays the 10$.

An hour later the Man says "I bet I can lick by eye for 20$".

Bartender says "OK".

Man takes out his false eye and licks it.

Bartender is really upset but pays the 20$.

By this time the bar is getting full and the Man goes around talking to people in the bar.

He stays at a table with 4 men and 6 women for a while.

Near the end of the night he goes back to the bar and asks the bartender "I bet I can piss into a shotglass at the end of the bar for 100$ and get every drop in the shotglass".

The bartender thinks; false teeth, false eye, false ???, then says "OK".

The man pisses on the bar and does not even get a drop in the shotglass.

The bartender is all happy winning 100$, which the man pays to the laughing bartender.

As the Man goes back to the table with 4 guys and 6 girls the bartender asks "Why did you make that bet when you knew you would lose".

Man says "See that table over there, I made a 500$ bet with them that I could piss all over your bar and you would clean it up with a smile".

Yuk Yuk

a Woman once said to her husband that she wanted a great gift for her birthday, she gave this hints:
"it has to be kind of small and it has to go from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds"
the next day on her birthday, she found a package which says "Happy birthday!". the woman opened the package and infront of her was a brand new scale.
since that day her husband has been missing.

A guy needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse.

In order for it to go, you said 'thank god' and for it to stop you said 'amen'. So the guy went, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse.

A few hours later, he woke up and was going off the edge of a cliff. So he shouted 'Amen!' and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge. 'Whew,' he said. 'Thank god.'

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie