June 29 2012 3:39 AM EDT
This is going to be a bit odd and I hope those of you who don't care can forgive me.
My brother died a few days ago (Tuesday morning). He was 2 months into his 21st year of life. He died of a heroin overdose at around 4:30 in the morning. He had sent my father a text message 3 hours earlier asking for help with his taxes so he could get straightened out for financial aid for college this coming year. The coroner guessed he had done the drug less than 10 times and probably fewer than 5.
After having originally dropped out of high school, he got his GED and had just recently finished his 1st year of college with a 3.85 GPA (He had a 4.0 through most of it. We only now know the explanation for the slight drop at the end.)
I am not a social person and I never have been. I make few friends, fewer girlfriends and can honestly say that very few people are close to me. My brother was the only human being in the world who knew me at all. I would have done anything for him, including take the hit that killed him.
I even worked at the same place he did and had for over 3 years. 50+ Staff members and 220+ residents knew both of us my name and face. I am terrified of going back to work and facing that.
But he's gone. He was always a partier and a druggie and I accepted that about him. I never thought he would do heroin. I figured he knew as well as I did that heroin was just... Not something you do. Like playing Russian Roulette without seeing the gun loaded.
But he did. I blame exactly no one. Not the girl who got him hooked (He was ALWAYS a sucker for a woman), not the friends who didn't tell us. I don't even really blame him for doing what he did. He was a man and made the choices he wanted to. And he paid a very high price. No one gave him the syringe and no one forced him to do it.
There has been an amazing outpouring from the community. Friends I hadn't seen in forever, family members I've not seen and, prior to this, despised have come over and given their sympathy. It's amazing how many "burnt" bridges can be fixed by the death of someone too young.
But I still feel I have no one to talk to at all. As I said, I'm not social and it feels so foreign to me to try and discuss something like my feelings about this with someone I don't really know. I've hugged more people in the last two days than I have in the last 2 years combined. I've spoken to almost every single friend and family member I have.
And I have never felt so alone.
I need something and I've not been able to get it from anyone IRL. Maybe it's just a place to say how much I miss him and how I don't ever think I'll feel right again. I know time heals all wounds and that life moves on. But I just can't understand how something like this ever heals.
If anyone has any advice, I could use it.
Its sad to hear that.
I dont even know where I could start with all the thoughts in my head to say that could be called advice. I understand your desire to get it out of your system to feel better. All I know is for some people they never forget and feel like they never heal, and it does not for everyone. For this to heal you would need closure to your brothers death. If you dont feel comfortable talking with your closest friends or even your parents, you might have to seek professional help.
All I can say to you in the end is dont let this stop you, time will make fools of us all. You have two choices, live regressed over your brothers death or change to be a better person that is strong in ways you deem to be inadequate.
My thoughts are with you at this time mate.
Losing a loved one, however you do, for whatever reason, hurts.
There's no real way to describe the loss felt, but everyone who's been in similar situations can relate to the pain and devastation.
As for advice, the only thing I could say is deal with it safely. I'm one for escapism, and I love going to the cinema to watch movies. When my Granddad died, I took a day off work and went by myself to a local cinema and just sat and watched a bunch of movies back to back. Didn't really matter what I watched, and I can't even remember what I saw. I'm sure I was joined by family and friends throughout the day for some of them, but in a selfish way, the movies were for me. If that makes sense.
Just be safe in what you do.
Time I don't think heals all things, it just makes them bearable. The pain dulls, the memories fade, and we can cope better. But it will still be there.
I've used CB many times to help me manage grief. It's not only the awesome people that are here, but writing out my feelings and pain is cathartic. Don't stop! Use CB to the fullest to help you.
If you ever wanna drop me a CM to chat about stuff, anything at all, don't hesitate to do so!
June 29 2012 7:59 AM EDT
There's absolutely nothing I can do to help, but hopefully the cathartic act of typing it out to us will help you move through the heavy grief. Just don't let it bottle up; nothing good will come from that. Even if you hit a wall where you can't talk about it with family, tell it to us or talk to a counselor. I know you must be in hell right now, but things have to get better.
June 29 2012 8:12 AM EDT
After I lost my mother I had this same feeling of being in a veritable social blackhole. Nothing and no one, for a while, could connect with me. Time doesn't truthfully heal all wounds, it does however allow you the ability to develop better coping skills.
There are a million cliche's out there that I could spew but nothing will be just right. So I will simply say I hope that you do not follow the same route of using that your brother did and that you learn to cope quickly. My condolences for the loss of your brother and best friend it is never easy to lose someone you love. My CM box is always open if you ever want to talk.
June 29 2012 1:42 PM EDT
All I can say is, it dulls over time but unless you forget entirely (which is highly unlikely), it will always stay with you.
When it comes to advice,its impossible to know. I identify how you relate to people so I would probably turn to movies, gaming etc. Unless you actually would want more reciprocal altruistic relationships to others (which I do at rare occasions myself). Keep in mind that "escaping" emotions and trouble is in no way a disrespect of the lost one, but more "doing the best out of it" approach.
Or you could try to establish a relationship to those you have re-encountered recently. I sense a kind of emotional ambivalence in how you treat the idea of sharing with others, Im there right now tbh, but I have no grounds to assume anything on your part.
I dont mean to be disrespectful in anyway in this comment, im not sure im sensitive or not at this point. This has to be in some sense written in pure arrogance as I put myself in the position to have any opinions on this tragic subject, even though I might rationalize it to be some sense of well intended outreach. Take care mate.
I also don't know what to say and probably won't have any advice for you but am here if you need me. *hugs*
June 29 2012 3:03 PM EDT
So so sorry to hear that.
Losing a loved one is a strange thing. Here's something that might not seem helpful, but trust me in a few years time you might know what I mean.
It doesn't heal. Right now that's the worst thing, especially if that person is the person you would have gone to, the person to talk to about things. But what happens is that you handle it better, the stuff that hurts now becomes the stuff that will make you smile as you remember that person. In a way it's like they stay with you always. And that becomes a good, no a great thing. It's never as good as still having them around but it's been an unexpected pleasure for me out of loss.
The important thing is to deal with it how you feel best. If you're not a talkative person sometimes talking can help. But if you're not then write about it. Write about him. Start a blog or something and put down all your memories. If you make it a public blog you might find complete strangers come and comment, discussion starts and something somebody says helps start the (non)healing.
Just remember you're right in the middle of things now. It can take a while to get through the fog of things. You will get through I promise.
June 29 2012 5:27 PM EDT
You won't forget. You'll always remember. You'll always be sad, angry or feel hopeless. But in time, it will hurt less and less.
Not much of an encouragement, I know, but that's what will happen.
Seriously man, not going to lie, I'm tearing up a bit while writing this. I feel for you, I really do. My brother is coming home tomorrow, I haven't seen him in 6 months because he moved away to Colorado 8 months ago, I miss him every day. I was with him every day for 24 years of my life, he's one of my best friends. I couldn't imagine losing him. Just thinking about it hurts enough, if he was ever gone I don't know how I'd react. I know there is nothing I can say to you to make things any better, and losing someone that close to you has got to hurt more then I can possibly imagine. Life isn't kind, life isn't fair, life is what it is, and bad things just happen sometimes and these are things we need to learn to accept.
But my sincerest apologies for your loss, really I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I wish I knew what else to say, but I really don't.. I think I'd be in the same boat as you if it happened to me..
June 30 2012 9:49 PM EDT
I greatly appreciate everyone's feedback. It's actually helped more than you might guess. We had a memorial service for him today.
July 5 2012 1:13 PM EDT
Just wanted to wish the best. I'm very close with my brother and can't imagine what you've had to deal with, my heart goes out to you.
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