The Funniest Thing that happened to You!! (in Contests)

CB has been a fun place for me to be over the years but now the time has come for me to leave. I promised the wife I would. I've been around a long time. I remember when you could get $20 for 1 mil CB Got all my kids Christmas presents one year from that. But now in leaving it's time for me to give back. What I want is for you to post the funniest thing that ever happened to you. I will be the sole judge on what makes me laugh the most. The prize is all the money I have left which is just over 44 million. Of course there is the transfer fee so when I send it it will be a little less but still allot of CB cash. So if you are up to the challenge make me and the rest of Carnage Blender laugh.

One time, I was eleven and my grandfather was teaching me how to fish. I was fishing and then when I went to cast, I got the fish hook caught in my head, actually so far that I had to get to the hospital... so basically.. I went to the hospital with having a worm and fish hook into my skull... Lol.

Wow... I'm not even going to post a story. I'm just going to say that that's honorable, especially in light of a wave of people trying to profiteer lately. And I hope the winner might consider doing something equally generous with the proceeds...

When I was in 1rst grade we had a piano recital. I played my song and then a girl I supposedly liked played her song later. We were sitting next to each other and after her song as she took her seat, I put my hand on her leg. She then took my hand and put it back onto my own lap and didn't budge with any facial expression. Rejected in the 1rst grade, doh! (I don't recall any of this, but my family has pictures to share the story with any gf I have had since)

I am a twin and when i was first learning to crawl, my sister copied me and went backwards for the first week :)

When I was in young, I was new to a school. During lunch break the kids were playing baseball and asked me to be the pitcher. On my very first pitch the batter struck the ball and it hit me directly in the nose. As I ran to the nurses office crying and not being able to see (because of broken nose) I ran down a small slop tripped and smashed my hand (clutching my nose) into my nose again doubling my pain. Not a good way to become known in my new school.

Not so funny for me but maybe funny for you. :-)

slope* ^^

When I was in 5th grade I had a girlfriend named Kay (as far as girlfriends go in 5th grade, anyways). So we would hang out after school in the playground and chat over AIM almost everyday. One day my older brother (1 grade above) asked me how far I've gone with her. I said we haven't done anything. He then told me I should kiss her and I agreed, so I did the proper adult thing: I sent her an email asking her whether or not she wants to kiss. She responded 'ok,' which had me bouncing off the walls. At school the next day, I walked up to her at her cubby (little kid locker). She had a lower cubby so she was crouched down. So the only logical thing to do was close my eyes, bend over, and pucker up, like in the movies! As I leaned in, Kay finished packing up and started to stand up. When I kissed her, we both paused... we froze in position, with me kissing her butt! My first kiss :)

I guess I will share an embarrassing story since Kevlar reminded me of one.

When I was nineteen and in my 2nd year of college, I started dating this beautiful girl. Everything was going great, and the time came for her mom to come and meet me. When her mom arrived at my apartment, I offered her one of the recliners to sit in while my girlfriend sat in the 2nd recliner. I had no sofa at the time, so I just plopped down in the floor almost Indian-style with my elbows on my knees.

We chatted for half an hour, telling stories and getting to know each other, when her mom told me something funny. I can't even remember what. All I can remember is that somewhere between me being slightly nervous, sitting bunched up, and tightening my stomach to laugh -- a single, loud, squeeky fart rung out across the room. And even more-so, I remember the room falling silent as her mom awkwardly pretended like she didn't hear it.

One of the funniest moments that happened to me was on my 21st birthday

While we where out at the bars after a long day of drinking and grilling. I managed to loose everyone...probably because they where partying like it was their birthday also. I was wearing large overalls, without the straps strapped cause chicks digged it at the time, anyways while I was being drunk and tumbling outside. I started walking towards on of my buddys by the cars, as I was walking another buddy came outside to checkup on me. Alright so I get halfway to the car and.... as my friends described it, my overalls fell down and I tripped and fell face first, but with my legs still standing like I slammed my face down to hold myself up my butt was up in the air with my overalls all the way down to my ankles and my face planted on the ground.... They said it was like I just gave up and didn't even try to stop it from happening, they said they saw it in slow motion.

So naturally I have no memory up from the last 3 shots I took at my buddies house "like around 7:00 PM, when there was still daylight" until I woke up in the back seat of a car I don't remember getting into. "This was around 3:30 AM ". The reason why I woke up was because someone had turned on the car's alarm and man, that thing was ridiculously loud. So I find myself in backseat of someones car and I get out and I'm all like "wow where the $#%@ am I?"

Luckily I was outside my buddy's house and I walked into his apartment to find people still partying. I was like "damn my face hurts" and they all laugh, thinking nothing of it, I go and hit on the women. We drink, we play card games, we chitchat. End Night.

I wake up and man, I really gotta piss. I go into the bathroom, "DUDE! MY FACE!!"

21st birthday out drinking with some friends get totally wasted ended up ditching them( don't remember this fact since i was wasted" Nest thing i know i wake up see some old lady (like grandma's age" making breakfast I sit bolt up put my shoes on and run out of the house. As i'm leaving she tells me to wait i never told her my name gave her some fake name and ran away. Left my favorite hat there too.

Epic thread!

I got married a few years ago and arrived at the airport to go on honeymoon. It might have been the result of the drinking at the wedding reception, or my body saying thank god you got through that alive, or just a bug. But at the airport after we'd checked in I developed an upset stomach. I left my wife with our hand luggage and ran off to the toilet.

I came back a little while later, feeling a bit better. But my wife was laughing her head off when she saw me.

I'd managed to split my trousers, a long split from front to back and hadn't even noticed. I'd not even noticed people looking and laughing. We had twenty minutes until our flight so fortunately I had time to buy some new trousers, because all my other clothes were in my suitcase already checked in. Just as well there was somewhere to buy some, because otherwise I'd have had to spend five hours on a plane then another hour getting through the airport wearing trousers split front to back.

And really, the split was nothing to do with the upset stomach. It was bad, but not that bad!!!

I peed on my uncle's face while getting baptized.

Not so much funny for me, but for mostly everyone else involved.

Quite some years ago, I started getting interested in a barmaid who worked at one of our local nightclubs.

So one night, I decided to pluck up the courage, and ask her out. I can only assume it didn't go too well. ;)

We started the night off by having some booze at home, being cheap students trying to squeeze in some drinks before we have to pay club prices. Plus I wanted a little dutch courage.

I remember getting into the club. And then waking up in bed the next day. Everything else I had to be told.

My mates remember seeing me with a pint in each hand, a mouthful taken from each. Then after a circuit of the club, seeing me with two new pints (it was only a small club).

I was next found, as the club kicked out, lying in the gutter, crying, wailing about how much "it" hurts, while getting mocked by all the clubbers leaving for thier journies home.

One of my best mates managed to pick me up, and get me walking to a local cab office, to get me home. While waiting for our cab (it was a bit of a wait, the office was packed), I needed to relieve myself, so stumbled over to a nearby wall and started.

Of course, at this point, my cab turns up. My mate calls for me, and I turn around and walk towards the clud, without zipping up (and possibly stopping yet).

After the ride home, I tumble out of the cab, crack a kneecap, and then throw up in my lap.

My mate finally gets me home, and the next thing I know is waking up the next morning wondering how the night went.

I didn't go back tot he club for about 6 months.

But this story doesn't hold a candle to that of an old workmate of mine, who woke up naked on the roof of a Woolsworth store. ;)

Even $44m isn't enough to get me to commit this story to print.

Suffice to say it includes my adulterous friend, an 18yr old girl, a cell phone, a kiddies push bike, a taxi and way way too much brandy.
The story title would be something like, "The day I hit last number redial by mistake".

what about 45mil Beee?

I will run this thread until Sunday at which I will announce the winner and give the money to him or her. Also if anyone wants my top character they can have it but must pay for any transfer costs as my money will soon be gone.

Great contest Kingelfstone! Very classy way to bow out! It's a shame to lose you!

Anyways, my story. In high school I was into debate, and it was a weekend. There was 5 of us: the coach, two girls, my friend/debate partner, and myself. We had set out plenty early to get to the destination town that was having the debate tournament, so we had extra time and decided to stop at a Dillons store for snacks and breakfast food. Our coach stayed in the school suburban while the rest of us ran in and grabbed some donuts, oj, and whatever. We didn't have a lot of time though, so we ran in, grabbed our stuff really fast, and ran out and jumped in the suburban. The two girls had already sat down in the back seat, and my friend and I were about to, when we suddenly came up with a winner of a question. Since when did the school suburban have a car seat in the middle seat? With a collective gasp we all jumped out, and looked around bewildered, only to find our debate coach a few spots over crying he was laughing so hard.

Well, I thought it was funny at the time. We were all pretty embarressed. Oh, and I know the contest is for funny stuff that happened to us, but a friend from work told me this great story that happened to him. Not sure if it's true, but I'll let you judge that.

My friend was in basic training, and things weren't going so well for their squad (or whatever the groups are called). They were sloppy, people were doing things wrong, etc. So their commander, an officer who was this pretty smart guy with a college degree, told all of the group leaders to have everyone show up the next day 'en masse' and assumed they would know what to do. The next day he goes out to find every single person wearing their gas mask and in formation. Apparently if you're not sure what en masse means it sounds somewhat similar to 'in masks' and they heard/assumed that was what he wanted. According to my friend, this really didn't help his anger about things being done wrong very much. Again, not sure if it's true, but makes me chuckle all the same.

Military training does have some very funny moments after all.

I had my first class of new recruits, they were so new that they hadn't even put on uniforms yet, they were wearing the civilians clothes they showed up to the base with. They had already screwed up multiple really easy things so they were already down doing pushups for awhile.

After about 20 seconds of pushups, one of the new recruits stopped and knelt up looking at us.

Of course I went over to yell at him/ask him what the problem was.

His response:

"Sir I think I am doing something wrong, I'm getting tired and the pushups are starting to hurt my arms."

Well I guess since everyone else is dumping out some funny stories that are a bit embarrassing then I might as well give this one up......

I had just gotten out of the Army and was unsure of where I was gonna work next so I called up a few friends. Well the call netted me a job as Assistant Program Director(Rank of Corporal) at a Middle School for a new program they were trying out Leadership Officers Training Corps. Yes it is a twist off of JROTC and ROTC just remember this involves 4th and 5th Graders.

At any rate things went well I meshed in quickly, the students liked me, the staff liked me and I even managed to net me a nice girlfriend. People found out I was heavy into martial arts and exercise so they asked me en masse to start up a Tae Bo Class. I considered it and decided I would be nice and help them out for a while until they could find a full time instructor.

My girlfriend and I were getting serious and tonight was gonna be the night but she asked me a favor or rather heavily suggested it. She liked men in bikini briefs and had bought me a special pair just for me......Pink with her name on them. Yeah I decided it was a good thing to do as it was a small price to pay sooo yeah I wore them.

Now to tie all this together:

I had gotten off of work early for the Date that I had set up with my girlfriend. I had managed to get a friend to cover the after school activities with the LOTC students. To be a nice guy I had scheduled an early class for staff, it went off with out a hitch. I took my shower and got dressed in the nicely pressed clothes I had gotten out of the cleaners the night before, Nice white long sleeve shirt, pleated black slacks, form fitting undershirt and of course the bikini briefs.

When I was ready I came out and the class was wrapping up with some conversations and of course everyone was like "Oooo lala big date huh?" and I blushed and answered back yea. Then she arrived well dressed in a beautiful form fitting crimson dress, yup stunning to say the least. More cat calls from the staff at me and they escorted her to the side to incriminate me. I had never told her that I was an instructor at the school just that I worked there so she wanted to see what I could do and the staff wanted to show off what I had taught them.

Yeah I know it's Tae Bo not much to show but I had a soft heart for these people and obliged them. Well after a few moves the side kick came up and yup I tore the pants front to back showing off the nice pink bikini briefs and just at that time luck would have it the blinds had been lifted and the after school LOTC kids were looking in and.....yeah everyone saw the goods........everyone said I turned red as a Cherry. I turned and ran as quickly as possible, without showing more stuff, to the bathrooms to change back into my other clothes. Of course there was echoing laughter following me................

For a month afterwards I was called Sensei Bikini Briefs by the staff and Corporal Sharon by the kids. >.<

I was trying to think of something remotely PG when a phone call from a friend reminded me of this gem:

Years back, some buddies and I went camping out in the deep woods and being prepared young men we took with us Bear Mace (basically pepper spray). Which we never even touched much less thought about during the entire week.

Upon arriving home the bear mace was rediscovered prompting many conversations among the three of us along the lines of "I wonder if this works / What does it feel like?"

Long story made short, I convinced 'Steve' to let me give him a quick spray in the face "just to see". There may have been beer involved. Anyway, we went into the bathroom just so we would have ready access to water and easily cleaned surfaces. So far the plan was brilliant, except for the role Steve accepted of course.

Two lessons were quickly learned on this one.
1) Bear mace REALLY hurts
2) test spray into the shower so that you have some idea how fast the spray comes out.

My 'quick' spray basically surrounded his head in a cloud of pepper spray causing screaming and an unbalanced collapse towards the tub. I reacted quickly to stop him falling and hurting himself... and unfortunately plowed through the remaining cloud of bear mace...
So the two of us are lying in the tub blind, choking and possibly screaming. 'Bob', third member of the group, pulls his shirt over his face and leans over and turns the cold shower on (thank god) then retreats to a safe distance and laughs himself silly at our expense.

The rest of the evening was spent drinking our way healthy while Bob mercilessly ridiculed both Steve and I. There was, however, one final lesson for the evening. Bob learned that night how quick and vicious the hand of karma can be.

After the beer and pizza Bob retired to the same bathroom followed by the usually jokes of 'turn the fan on'. 15min later an ungodly scream (as opposed to smell) was emitted from the bathroom.

Turns out that when you mist your bathroom with bear mace some of it will sink onto the toilet paper.... and lie there.... waiting for the first exposed backside.

So, we three intrepid explorers learned some valuable lessons.
Steve learned that your friends value their own entertainment more than your well-being.
I learned not to be a hero.
Bob, well, Bob learned never, EVER, mess with karma!

*note names were changed to protect the ridiculously stupid

Okay my one last story, and this one is true.

I was going to another debate tournament, and this one was an overnight one. It was exciting, a bunch of us highschoolers and one old coach that had a hard time staying awake through even the debate tournament. After the day's work, we went to eat at a spaghetti place. They are packed, so we have quite the long wait. One of the other debaters, a fun and maybe even a little crazy guy, nicknamed 'Beef', was arguing with his friend. He was utterly convinced, certain beyond doubt, that the bread knives were not sharp (the serrated blade knives with wooden handles). After a few minutes of arguing the point, he decided to go and prove everyone else wrong. So, he took the knife, pressed it up against the back of his hand, and pulled it down hard. First his face lit up in disbelief, then confusion, then shock, and finally embarrassment as everyone starts laughing. So now he's bleeding, the entire back of his hand is cut open, and he's too embarrassed to ask for help since everyone is laughing. We did get him fixed up, but man, I've never seen such a funny misguided idea before. And no, no alcohol was involved in this whatsoever, which makes it all the better.

:( that scared me V

I went to a party where all the guys had to dress as girls, and all the girls had to dress as guys. Got completely drunk and ended up getting duck-taped to this girl, but I was hammered and thought she was a guy, and freaked out yelling, "I AINT GAY!!!!" but we were stuck together and fell. As soon as I hit the ground I started projectile vomiting everywhere. Poor girl was screaming for the whole 10 minutes it took to cut us free.

Still got her number.

The Winner is Lochnivar great story! Thanks everybody and Merry Christmas!

I knew as soon as I read Loch's. It was the only one to make me laugh out loud!!

Nice contest!

And - A very nice leaving gesture! Best of luck!

Excellent contest!

Too bad my best stories are no where near PG enough for this thread.

College days you know!

grats Loch!

wow... just woke up and logged on

Thank you very much kingelfstone.
A scholar and a gentleman you are.

Take care and come back to visit us inmates here at the asylum.

Bravo! Bravo!

Yeah after I read Loch's I was sure he would win too.....lol

Good job Loch! KingElfstone I hope that at least every once in a while you come back around and visit us :-)

http://www.reddit.com/r/rpg/comments/agjp7/leaving_a_game_by_giving_away_everything_you_have

I work in this store and around christmas time our boss gives each employee a bonus, and i work only part-time in the store so i usually get $100 or so in cash in an envelope from him and this has been the case for several years. Now this year the economy was bad and the store isn't doing as well so he is so cheap he instead of giving cash is giving employees checks of their bonuses meaning you have to pay taxes on your bonus now and he didn't give everyone out a bonus check at the same time but spread it out over several weeks so people don't cash it in at the same time. Presumably because he doesn't have money. Most people got their on Thursday before christmas, but I didn't work that day I did work on Saturday and he gave some envelopes out and finally while leaving early he gives me an envelope too.....and I open it thinking I'm gonna be rewarded for all my hardwork right? Hell no, its a lousy $10 check, i make more in an hour. So whatever. Now what sucks is that I can't even spend it cause its not even cash, i gotta pay tax on this $10, and i gotta deposit it at the bank before i can use it. So i take a trip to my trusty bank. Now in this bank there are many lines and great businesses where customers are making real big huge business transactions and doing serious stuff and I get in line with my $10 check feeling stupid. Finally I get to the window and scribble my name on the check and i slide the check under the window to the teller. He looks at the check and gives me a funny look. he seems confused for a bit and then irritated. Here we are in the great bank, everyone doing real transactions and i'm wasting his time with my $10 check after looking at me funny, he takes out his wallet from his pocket and pulls out his own $10 bill and slides it under and gives it to me and tells me to go and not waste anymore of his precious time.