Some advice sought - real life girl troubles (in Off-topic)


Mythology March 7 2010 11:36 AM EST

Okay got a bit of a problem at the moment and seeking help from others with a little experience.

About two months or so ago I broke up with my girlfriend of two years, the main issue was a clash in personalities, while she was very very attractive that alone cannot make for a lasting relationship.

Okay so my troubles of late. While I do quite well with the ladies, I am generally confident and dont look like I fell out of the ugly tree. I almost manage to attract ladies when I don't try at all. So all sounding good so far, well there is a certain girl at work who I would describe as so what I look for in a girl in terms of looks that i'd cut off my foot to be with her.

Whenever I try to speak to her though I immediately freeze up almost like paralysis, I stutter and say things I normally wouldn't and what average levels of confidence I have vanishes.

Basically with in mind what happened to me with Ex I actually just want to get to know the girl, see what shes like and if we can even get along. I cant't even have a proper conversation at the moment let alone act normally.

So how does one overcome this? Any tips / advice? Anyone? :)

Also I'm going to be working more with her in coming months and know I'm at huge risk of getting "stuck" being unable to just talk freely and naturally with her. Or does the fact I can't speak normally with her mean it can't work with her anyway and is an early warning sign?

I'm not even asking to be able to get with her, just to be able to just sit down and have a regular conversation :D Help pleasE! :)

Admindudemus [jabberwocky] March 7 2010 11:40 AM EST

in any situation where you feel like your foot is trending towards your mouth, pause for ten seconds before saying anything. that gives ya time to formulate your words and the added benefit of appearing to really listen and think about what the other person is saying! if you still end up with your foot in your mouth, hopefully she will think it charming! ; )

Mythology March 7 2010 11:41 AM EST

noted dudemus, wise words I feel, will endeavour to remember that tomorrow :)

thank you, any more for any more? :)

Zenai March 7 2010 11:50 AM EST

Understand a few things and you will undoubtedly do well.

1) She is a person(attractiveness aside)

2) People will either like you or not.(This is not particularly based on any set number of things it will be up to you to remember that.)

3) Stop pressuring yourself.(If you are pressuring yourself you are not relaxed which causes problems.)

4) Do not put her on a pedestal(If you think she is out of reach she will be because you have made it so.)

5) Relax, when you are relaxed you can think better which is your only problem right now.

6) Remember your goal, you are not trying anything more than just to have a conversation. (Put your mindset into perspective.)

Mikel March 7 2010 11:52 AM EST

Quit over-hyping her in your mind. You are placing un-real expectations upon her in your mind and she will have a hard time living up to them.

QBJohnnywas March 7 2010 11:53 AM EST

Just talk to her. Treat her the same way you treat everybody else. The only danger of that is she might feel you treat her like everybody else!

My opinion though, is that if you find it hard to talk to somebody, that doesn't bode well.

Alternatively, you could picture her on the toilet.

(I was going to suggest picturing her naked, but that's probably the problem!)

QBRanger March 7 2010 11:55 AM EST

Whatever will be will be.

You can only be yourself. She will either like you for that or not.

If you try to be someone else, in the short term things may work out great, but later, things will go bad and you will be hurt again.

Just be yourself, talk to her like you would anyone else. If you get along, great, if not, there are plenty more girl/women out there.

And when you least expect it, you will find someone.

I met my wife while preparing for a date with my ex girlfriend, who I was trying to get back with.

Things just work out that way.

Good Luck.

AdminShade March 7 2010 12:01 PM EST

You did fell out of the ugly tree :p
(you didn't belong there)

AdminNightStrike March 7 2010 12:08 PM EST

Don't pee in the company pool....

AdminNightStrike March 7 2010 12:09 PM EST

Also, google for "cocky and funny" (don't forget the funny part)

And, when you get all choked up like that around a girl, it's generally a good sign that you're smitten :)

Mythology March 7 2010 12:21 PM EST

Ty all for your input, I totally agree and understand the be yourself and she will either like that or not.

The problem is when I was younger I was much more put on a mask and pretend to be someone else.

I'm not like that now thankfully, unfortunately when I'm around her I seem to slip back into that and it's the how does one relax and be yourself problem im trying to overcome and want help with,

AdminNightStrike March 7 2010 12:23 PM EST

Valium?

Mythology March 7 2010 12:24 PM EST

lol

as currently work in drug rehabilitation substances cannot be used, including alcohol :P

AdminG Beee March 7 2010 12:25 PM EST

Brandy.


Work is the best place to get to know someone without the pressure of actually being "out" with someone. Just chill and take it easy. I presume there's neither a boyfriend or husband already in play?

PS. I met my wife at work 24 years ago. Be careful what you wish for :)

AdminG Beee March 7 2010 12:25 PM EST

Or not... :/

Admiralkiller March 7 2010 1:05 PM EST

When I was younger I tried door to door sales. I was very nervous talking to people and had a rough go at it. However after speaking to many people I was less nervous and had no troubles with talking to them.

Basically my advice is you will get more comfortable with talking to her as you spend more 1 on 1 time with her. She will notice who you are beside a fumbling, bumbling stumbler and like you or not.

This advice works for most things. It's amazing what someone gets used to.

{CB1}Lukeyman March 7 2010 1:16 PM EST

Alright, get ready for it..
say you're at work, when you two are one on one, just try to act like the world doesn't revolve around her.. trust me, just think to yourself that you don't want to get with her or anything like that, and that you don't feel like you need to impress her.

in your mind if you turn off these 'turn ons' off, then you'll relax, you won't worry so much about saying the 'right stuff' you'll just talk to her like shes just another worker, or another girl or just some random person.

that should open the flood gates towards at least saying hello and some little ice breaker convo's. and after that ship has docked, more relaxing conversations will follow because you won't feel you have to put yourself up so much or her.

all in all, just take her as just another girl, and let it go from there. :)

Friendly advice from Lukeman

Pwned March 7 2010 1:43 PM EST

all in all, just take her as just another girl, and let it go from there. :)


Yup just make her feel comfortable and remember to smile. Remember to smile. Always smile at people.

Pwned March 7 2010 1:44 PM EST

Especially people that are mad at you because they like that :)

Vicious Cat March 7 2010 1:46 PM EST

Invite her for a chat in CB, and we'll all tell her what a great guy you are ;-)

Nehemiah March 7 2010 1:54 PM EST

Best advice i can think of in any sisutation, that includes this one!

Matthew 6 : 33

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

God Bless you!

Jesus Loves you :)

Adios Muchachos March 7 2010 2:06 PM EST

Coming from a married man... just be yourself.

It's far easier to be yourself than it is to set yourself higher than you truly are. And it's devestating when your partner finds out.

AdminQBGentlemanLoser [{END}] March 8 2010 5:45 AM EST

Myth, the 'clamming up' seems to imply you've realy fallen for this girl. ;) Not an early warning sign.

I tend to think of myself as outgoing and confident, but making that opening move was always the most trying time for me.

Ignoring dutch courage (which I've used liberally, to good and bad effect!), which unless you all go out on a work do, probably isn't going to be of much help, I think I can only suggest the usual of finding out something you have in common. Doesn't even have to be personal, or a hobby or the like.

Just something to try to build into small talk, to get used to her company. If you can, (as cheesy as this might sound) start conversations over electronic media. Like emailing her at work. It's easier to compose yourself, and shouldn't leave you freezing up. Build upon this to make the small talk easier.

I seriously think this isn't a sign it can't work with her, it's more of a sign of how deep you feel about this girl.

I really wish you good luck in this, it's been my personal bugbear, and I know how difficult it can be to overcome.

Mythology March 8 2010 1:24 PM EST

Thank you very much GL :)

Demigod March 8 2010 2:54 PM EST

I'm going to be working more with her in coming months...


Right there is solution enough. You'll get used to being with her, and the nerves will wear off. You have plenty of time to chit chat, so just relax and don't force it.

And if that doesn't work, you can always just go for the "dutch courage" method of showing up at work drunk. Before security takes you away, you'll say plenty.

Pwned March 8 2010 2:59 PM EST

IMO romances in the workplace are never good. I don't like how they effect people's productivity/ethics. Plus a company pays you to work not to get groovy with workers. Just IMO.

QBBast [Hidden Agenda] March 8 2010 3:26 PM EST


Stuttering is good. Almost blurting is good. Clearly this speaks to the fact that you are out of your comfort zone. She pulls at something different in you, assuming all the self-congratulatory bits were true enough. If you just do this because she's beautiful, out of your league, too attractive, etc. and you haven't developed the standard ability to be not utterly overcome ... "oh well".

Work it. If you aren't actually blurting anything offensive, and don't actually cut off a foot, then a little "I'm not quite myself when I'm around you" can be quite advantageous. It's the Geek "in" and works wonders on a certain type of woman.

If she's flattered or interested, then she might do what she can to compensate for your aphasia or ameliorate it. If she goes out of her way to make you comfortable ... voila!

If you get the sense that she finds this a bit too powerful or she finds you a bit too dumb (literally), then you know enough about her to know she's not the sort of woman you want longer term. Unless you like being the sub, in which case, you've found that out too without first having to pretend that you aren't a sub. Kudos!

InebriatedArsonist March 8 2010 9:53 PM EST

G_Beee: PS. I met my wife at work 24 years ago. Be careful what you wish for :)

-I thought you met your wife when you were stealing from her garden.

Gunny Pew Pew [Red Permanent Assurance] March 8 2010 10:10 PM EST

That's his work.

Demigod March 8 2010 10:16 PM EST

-I thought you met your wife when you were stealing from her garden.


Are you sure you didn't misunderstand him? He might have said he stole her "flower." It's a term that means something ever so slightly different...

:)

Revs March 8 2010 10:20 PM EST

My apologies for sounding harsh, but it doesn't hurt cutting to the chase here. First advice is don't base your relationships on looks. That shallow thinking got you in trouble last time, and it seems it's already getting you in trouble now. If you really want to get to know the girl, then do so. Quit putting the cart before the horse. Just spend the next couple months asking her questions and be a friend, and hopefully she'll do the same for you. I would challenge you to look for depth of character, hopefully it's there. And if she's anything worth pursuing, she'll be looking for the same in you.

If you don't know how to build a lasting friendship, you'll never be able to build a lasting relationship (and eventually marriage should that situation ever present itself).

Admindudemus [jabberwocky] March 8 2010 10:28 PM EST

looks are what us humans are about though from my experience.

{EQ}Viperboy March 8 2010 11:03 PM EST

if u feel so nervous around her and you donj really feel like that around girls. You should probably realise that you shouldn't let this one slip and you should play your cards smart and get with her sincerely. Talk with her when you are ready a few times as friends then ask her out one day. hopefully she says yes.

Salketer [big bucks] March 9 2010 2:20 AM EST

"daddy's home" usually works... :)

AdminQBVerifex [Serenity In Chaos] March 9 2010 2:46 AM EST

And finally, if all else fails Myth, no woman can refuse a man who has cut off his leg for her. ;)

I would just find a way to break the ice with her, and then get to talking. Remember, you don't need to start dating her right away, just make small talk, if you are as charming as you claim to be, that shouldn't be a big problem. lol

AdminG Beee March 9 2010 2:50 AM EST

Jeepers IA, I must have been drunk when I told that story because I can't remember talking about it.
You're almost correct, but not quite. I was stealing strawberries from her older brothers garden. That was before I met my wife however and when I was still a kid :)


PS. Myth, re-reading your thread title I'm glad that you're actually talking about problems with a "real life" girl and not one of those cyber chicks that seem to be all the rage these days :)

Eliteofdelete [Battle Royale] March 9 2010 3:06 AM EST

Psh G Bee, your just jealous that you can't have one of those cyber chicks :P.
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